Tonight in the Art Gallery

This is my new find in blogville. Click here if you too love photos, photography, or simply appreciate a good shot or two. Definitely a fun page for the photography lover.

~Tootles. GoGo

Um, I thought I'd actually post.

I fold up yesterday softly into my pocket, the residuals of two years summed up in a ceremony invite. My list is almost complete, I am just that many steps, out of what felt like a thousand baby steps, closer to the prize. There is a little butterfly dancing in the belly, a tiny thing not sure what to do with the free time. A flutter of anticipation; I interviewed for a new job today. One thing begins its end; I open myself to the beginning of new things. One step closer to London, making more money to hold onto for the journey. Its still here, but its meant to get me there.

I go home, knocking on my own door to let me in. A steady beat under my shirt, I enter. I am not sure what to do with myself, except smile and avoid those side-kick piles steep against my wall for one more night. I begin to think about cleaning my home, so I can prepare to pack up my life. It’s time to decide what goes into storage, what is given away, and what is to be recycled. It’s time to wash my walls of its herstory, my story built up from three years living here – four before I go. I pause realizing that all this time I have given myself to prepare for moving across the sea has done nothing to comfort the impetuousness in it all, but left room for the constant twitter of disbelief that I am really doing this. I am really doing this.

In the last week, I came full circle. Feeling unsure, a little isolated, and not knowing anyone the first month in school, I was considered a non-traditional student because of my age. I was one of four lesbians in the program. I was living alone. It just felt weird. That first semester was me just trying to figure out what I was looking for in this whole experience, besides the degree. Then, my own quirky self kind of just fit in. Labels were removed and I found myself being this self without apology or doubt. Time took care of the rest. I walked into my 30s during this time. Walked into an age that felt comfortable. I should admit, past 25, all ages feel comfortable. I said goodbye to so many these last few weeks. People who have shared in the blood, sweat and tears in this entire school thing. I already have coffee dates and promised guests for London. Already know I will see many again on this universal path. Knowing this circle does not end here.

Now, its time to stop, take out my yesterday from the pocket and place it quietly on the bedside table. Time to put away all these thoughts. Time to sleep before tomorrow.

Check List to Graduation

Check List:

1 Support Group (CHECK)

3 days left of internship (CHECK)



1 Graduation gown to purchase (CHECK)
1 Presentation regarding internship (CHECK)
1 Learning Agreement Assessment to write (CHECK)
3 dishes to make for the last day of classes (CHECK)
1 RFP Paper for the psuedo program development course (I honestly cannot remember what RFP stands for, not a good sign) (CHECK)
5 phone calls to return regarding how stressed we all are (CHECK)
1 Relay for Life volunteer experience (CHECK)
1 Induction ceremony for Phi Alpha (CHECK)
1 Exeriental Learning Paper (CHECK)
1 Policy Analysis Paper regarding Medicare Part D Drug Negotiations (CHECK)
Make a list (CHECK)

and a partridge in a pair tree....

In short, I want it to be the end of next week! It's getting closer

Excuse me, I am now going to scream! boi, did that feel good.

Smiles ~GoGo

"I haven't done diddly for graduation"

It’s snowing outside. It’s been snowing for weeks. I don’t know why. Global warming, fluke weather. All I know is, it’s snowing. I’m done with snow.

Suddenly everything feels manageable after feeling quite full of graduate school the last few months. I am down to 3 papers and a presentation, and my last 3 weeks. They’re big papers, but I’ve gotten all the nasty research out of the way and written my outlines. Very excited to almost be done. I do have a summer class. Well one class and two seminars, but this is nothing in comparison to I've completed.

I am so excited to be walking in May, I can’t even contain myself. I love the conversations floating around the classroom right now. Everyone’s trying to see who is going to the graduation ceremonies and bargaining to get folks to go. Apparently, I am not the only person who hasn’t bought the gown or as my friend next to me just said, “I haven’t done diddly for graduation.”

I have to remind myself that I am not going to see many good friends after this semester, and more after I leave for London. I think the hardest part about transitions is loosing the connection with folks I have built over time. I know some stay and change with life’s changes, some fade away, and some are found again in some distant time not yet here. In the moment though, it is this kind of loss that is the hardest to feel. And yet, I am very excited to make new connections, explore life as it unfolds in this new unknown. Very excited to unpack my bag of all these text books hanging heavy on my shoulder...Very excited.

Jumping into life can be hard. Jumping into graduate school wasn’t always easy. I did it and came out better for it. Now, I move toward jumping into something even harder – moving to another country. I remind myself I want to be a person who faces life. It’s not the end result, but the striving that I want to be present with. I don’t mind if I complain, just as long as I am present. I am leaving at the beginning of September. I need this time to make the money to go (‘cause I have big dreams but a shallow pocket). I also need my final class out of the way and transcripts to enter the country as a Social Worker. This is my journey to come and as I wind down grad school, I suddenly feel ready to focus. I so cannot wait to check out the local music seen in London, finding a writing class and perhaps a photograhy class over there, besides the traveling.

Ah, another ramble. I start with snow and end with London. Everything in between is me.

~GoGo

Count me down, but not out

I just passed the one month marker toward graduating. Yes, that’s right this GoGo’s going to be graduating May 4th. I am very excited, albeit tired at this moment. It’s a double edge date. On one edge, all nice and shiney is the symbolic finality of this 2 year program (i.e., graduation ceremonies). I have worked hard (internship, school, work – oh my!) and cannot believe the end is so near. On the other edge, all sharp and pointy, it’s a countdown date for all the final projects due, forms to submit and the cap and gown to buy. In other words, every day toward that date brings me closer to another deadline.

I find it ironic because last year I totally made fun of my friend The Chief (all Hail), who waited till the last minute to purchase her own cap and gown. Not in a bad way, but most definitely had a laugh on her account. Hey now, her gyrlfriend, Driftwood, laughed with me. The poetic justice in this is I too find myself pushing the envelope in purchasing the thing. Yeah. Let Go and Let Karma I always say. ;)

Anywho, I wanted to publicly state I am aware the cap and gown is SOO a last minute buy.

Here I am nearing the end of what really was the primary relationship I had to this blog - school. My experiences are coming to an end. I began this blog as I started school. I wonder, will I continue my residence in blogville after I graduate? I still don’t know. I am no Dooce, no Twitches, no Daring To Write. What I am is a little bummed out at this moment. I want to write the reflections and life stories as I countdown to graduation, EXCEPT currently the pointy side of my countdown is keeping me a little distracted.

You know, the more I think about it, this GoGo feels misinformed by faculty who told us the first semester was the hardest but failed to mention the last semester is the busiest. I'm just saying a little "Dude, you're screwed" would have been helpful.

Smiles.

Ah well. If I am not heard from this month, know that I am well and heading toward another finish line…Thee finish line.

The Ironman of finish lines.

As Always With a Smile and a Laugh,

GoGo

Dear Diary,

There is a muffled silence outside. Snow drifts in powdery wetness. The whole day has this dreary grey ring outlining everything. I can’t help but feel it around me. I just want to take a nap, wrapping myself under blanket and quiet. Everyone in the school program seems to be feeling the way I am these days, like we are crawling towards spring break - fingers digging into the snow and ice pushing the dead weight of school forward, arms aching from the pull. Thoughts flash in my head of car rides under blue skies opening. I want to go now. Even if I weren’t going anywhere, I’m excited about a week off. Excited about just letting this heavy school, work, internship load drop at my side. Let those sidekick piles of mine collect momentary dust.

There is this huge part of myself that says that I should use the week to fine polish school projects and catch up on some readings. Be responsible. Make sure I make every penny I am paying for this program count. Yeah, no. My own personal rhetoric I’m too exhausted to live up to. I’m kicking it to the curb next week, leaving it in the dust of my wheels squealing.

That’s about it. Next stop tonight is a spinning class. Um, the bike kind. I don’t want to go. I can think of a thousand AND one reasons I really couldn’t possibly…but I know I will feel better if I go. My eyes won’t feel so worn and that dreariness outside won’t stick to my skin.

I really write that last statement for myself. I’m trying to persuade, convince…just plain make it happen.

Cheers. GoGo

drama and porn

seven posts in February. will people stop reading? have I lost my mojo for this page?

no, just busy....finished the CV for London. Well, until I do something else to be added. Watched Season 3 of the L-Word - hey I'm a single lesbian over my head in an MSW program with no time to date, at least that is what the last gyrl told me...I need lesbian drama and porn. Finished 2 papers and turned them in, prepared a presentation for upcoming events, and bought new socks. That's just a taste of my week. I do plan to go to the beach on Sunday after my quaker meeting. I need nature and the sunset over the Great Lake. That or a dinner and a movie with some friends.

Blah. Bad post, sorry.

compass

Time has filled itself to the brim of my day with academic obligations, work negotiations, and internship reviews. Still something has changed. Something in me and around me has moved. It feels as simple as moving a knickknack from one shelf to another, a minor detail only the owner would notice, yet I am impacted like my whole house has changed.

My internal compass twists and sways in my days ever steady, it continues to point out my direction. When I turn south it reminds me where my north still resides. With this, the pace in my days does not faze me like it once did, though I still look forward to reprieves, still defend against built up stress…still think my administration class is just plain stupid.

~GoGo

This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it....flicker

First and foremost, Good luck Bendingpeak!!

I’m sitting at the University library NOT writing my paper. Yes, these words are another distraction, another attempt at procrastination. My paper is a synthesis paper for this Administration class. I am to reflect on the logic model and program designs for a made up program I and my group members have created. There is nothing like pretending to do something. Did I ever write that this is the class I am not into? I’m the type of gyrl who likes challenges. I don’t enjoy anything to do with policy, so that just makes me want to work harder at understanding policy. This class where I am learning to design a program is tedious as hell though, even for me. This Synthesis paper is due tomorrow. This paper has been long put off for the sheer tediousness I feel regarding it. So, in the attempt to make writing it feel like tearing off a band-aide slowly with as much excruciating pain as possible complete with de-rooted hairs, I thought I would write something for the blog. I know I should just get at it already.

This is a sign of mild burn out, complete with “I don’t wanna” and long detours into reading fiction that has nothing to do with school. Currently, I am reading House of Leaves, by Mark Z. Danielewski. Well not currently, currently I am writing for the blog. I was reading the book earlier when I had daylight to write my paper. For those who have any sense of my herstory on this blog, you can see the distinct deterioration of my study habits. I am in fact, procrastinating BIG TIME. Anyway, this was not the best choice of books to distract me from my studies. I had to tear myself away from it. It wasn’t one to read between things. I knew that when I bought this book. That’s why I was waiting to read it when I had more time between things then I do now.

What can I say, it was sitting on my end table looking all nice and shiny. I had a few moments of not wanting to do anything and thought what could it hurt to crack the book. You know, read the copyright page, maybe flip through and read the author's bio....smell it. The next thing I know, I am reading the introduction, hands caressing the whiteness of the smooth paper, eyes dialated by the sheer joy of experiencing the read. It was all over from there.

Yeah, I’m in trouble. Oh, not because its past midnight and I haven’t started my paper. I’ll get that done tonight. Once I get started I will be fine. I’ll write something sweet. It’s the sheer inability to start it that is troubling. It’s also not my habit to procrastinate this bad with so many dstractions, which again brings me back to mild burn out.

…maybe I should leave out mild.

I ask myself, what do I need to do to rekindle my candle this semester? I know. Stop writing this and get to it?

Tomorrow is going to be a crappy sleepy day…

View from Home

Long night. Wednesday is my study night - for sure, without doubt. Friends flow in and out to partake in this informal study group I've created. Its nice to have company among the clutter of studying at the coffee shop. Tonight's task is Lit searches again, this time I am looking at policies relating to the aging driver. I can happily get lost in Lit searches. My eyes go blurry from all the information being fed to my brain. I am contented by the process.

I have so much to do this semester. Perhaps it's self-induced amnesia, but I don't remember this much piled on at once. Its everything. Add to it trying to get my check list done for London, contacting people, filling out forms, while simultaneously covering my a$$ regarding Licensure for this country too. I read an article today regarding the cost of living in London. Its crazy. I'm going to wind up with 20 roommates or living in a closet. I think my idea of having a kitchen to cook in is quickly dwindling to a hot plate. I keep telling myself, if I can at least boil water for the morning coffee, I'll be okay. :) Ah, but less space means fewer things which means less clutter.

I don't know what else to say at this moment in my life. I have much more years of living to do, so I figure its best not to get overwhelmed by the little things, though my messy bathroom and piles of clothes causes a little anxiety at the moment. I can feel the clutter creeping in. What am I saying?! It's here, baby, and its getting heavy around the corners! But, it will get done. The best gift from life is time, I'm not spending it stressing about it all. Everything will get done one task, one step, one thought, one moment at a time. As for writing, unless its school related its not happening at the moment. No that's not true, I get cracks of writing on the weekends, but since Monday I have been trying to write in my personal journal without time to do so. Perhaps tonight right before I go to bed, or in the morning before work. It all depends on my threshold of tired.

What am I trying to say? Why did I decide to type words on this page tonight? The things that interest me seem weird to post about like Lit searches and London dreams....oh and the school gives away the New York Times in the building I have classes on Tuesday, so I find myself getting up earlier to drink coffee and read the paper before class starts. These things feel good to me in my busy world. These things comfort me when I read bad news or wake up to President Bush still being our president. I'm busy. This statement is my thematic overview for my life in school, and yet, here I am enjoying every moment....knock on wood.

Yes, I know. Boringly happy.

Till next time ~GoGo

Post Number 315

Sitting at the coffee shop drinking chai tea and quickly loosing my attention span for my policy class and the readings on practice advocacy. It’s a pertinent topic. It reflects the idealism and doer attitude I have, and yet I’m kind of done reading about the topic. This program I am in is most definitely circular in educating. I’ve read this before, with different words. I’ve been on this page by another author. I’m done for the night.

My thoughts go instead to tinkering with words, letting them mix and mesh. When and where can I use the words isolated absolution? I have no idea how those two words got fused in my cerebellum, but now I want to incorporate them in a paper or something.

OR Can I write a poem about orange tangerines without sounding redundant? Seriously. I have the line “She was an orange tangerine…” Sounds like a song title, really.

My thoughts go toward a need to go to the grocery store tonight to pick up some ingredients I need for this Friendship bread I am making. Do you know about Friendship bread? It’s a yeasty substance passed from friend to friend. You follow this 10 day complication and then you split the yeast concoction into some you give away while the rest is made into your own loaf of bread. Now that I think about it, it’s a very friendly STD, without the sex. Did I mention the idea was created by the Amish? Hmm. What if my bread doesn’t rise, does it mean I am not a good friend? I actually love this idea and look forward to making the bread tomorrow night. I do hope the bread rises though.

My thoughts go and go and go. My thoughts go anywhere but where they should be, in the book doing a voice over narrative for the practice advocacy text I am reading. Hmm. Perhaps if my internal dialogue mimics a Welsh accent while reading?... Do I even know how to do a Welsh accent?

Good night,

gg

Spring Semester 2007

First week back to the grind of school is always busy. Getting situated with classes, organizing the internship, downloading all the articles we have to read is a muttered mess of organization. Added to this, I had to work out some details for graduation this spring. I am graduating in Spring 2007, but am taking a couple more classes this summer to fulfill some elective credits. That’s the task commentary for the week. I am taking three classes - a policy class on Aging, Family and Group therapy, and a MSW administrative class. The last class is going to be the tedious one. We are learning how to "develop" a program. Yeah, I’d rather do hands on learning, thank you.

Internship is going swell. I am training a new MSW intern, so there will be two of us now. I keep meaning to post more about what it is like to be a MSW intern at a Veterinary Teaching Hospital for the owners of animals in crisis. It’s a rather unique experience. Its also nice to have a fellow student involved for two reasons. It takes the spot life off of me as the poster child for this unique placement and I have company. Its nice to have another student around to talk about the whole affair.

Which leads me to the job. I did not get my promotion. Oh, not because of anything I did or didn’t do. The position I was gaming for was filled by someone laid off. In fact, no one interviewed for the position, the union simply demanded she get the job opening. Personally, I am disappointed, but completely understand. If I was laid off, I would hope the union would help me to get another job within the organization quickly. It just happens in this case, it was another woman and the job I wanted. Ironically, I will be working with her, so I’m glad I see the bigger picture in all of this. Lets hope she has a good personality. Still I’m bummed I didn’t get the promotion.

That's the week in a nutshell. Pretty dry at the moment. It takes time to settle into the routine of things. But isn't this the cutest kitty pic! Somewhere, somehow, I turned into a big ball of mush for furry things.

~GoGo

"To bed, to bed," she said.

Long day, good day, fun day, school day.

:-)~

~GoGo

Finished

Just turned in my last final. Wooohooo. I’m feeling mighty proud of myself at the moment. Sure it can be the residuals of staying up for the good portion of the night to finish this last final – a 5question 10 page total take home.

I think its okay for me to take this moment and absorb the finale of a semester well done. For the first time, the internal voice of doubt that I can do this is silent. It’s funny how the recordings get stuck in our heads from childhood and continue to play against our consent. It takes experience and personal growth to take the power back on the play button to turn it off and re-record. I could go into depth regarding what this old belief system is and where it stems from. It did not stem from my parents who gave me the courage to face off with the public school system for the opportunity and rights that I inherently had, but that socioeconomic status marred. It was my parents’ faith in me that encouraged me to continue to believe I can do anything I want in this world with enough conviction (within reason). Still the recording lasted until now.

For anyone who has old belief systems burning thoughts into their head, I can only offer it first starts with confronting the old dialogue. Even if you don’t believe, if you act “as if” it is true, the truth will begin to take hold and fill in the cracks forming, building a new stronger foundation for the self. I say this because I believe it. Why not? If untruths can be believed, why not truths reformed?

I say this for myself. I say this for anyone who was told in childhood that the sum of the self was limited to social expectation.

What are the recordings you want to change?

With this said, its time to stop for a while and just be.

Final One: Research

I'm about to present my final presentation for my research class. I've worked hard for this class and am glad I am almost done. I'm feeling anxious. Presentations make me nervous.

This poster is my inspiration to be calm and know I can do it.

Thought I'd share.

Wish me luck!

GoGo

Initial Letter to School June 28, 2004

Dear [Important Person],

I got your email address off the Social Work website as a contact person for questions regarding the MSW program[edit]. I hope you do not mind me contacting you by email. I am looking to re-enter school in the Fall of 2005 to get my Masters in Social Work. Though I have volunteered in paraprofessional crisis counselor roles, my BA degree is in English Literature. I realize that what really pulls me in life is counseling others in forms of empowerment, but I recognize I may need to do some preliminary course "catch-up" before I go for my Masters. I was hoping that I could set up an appointment with you regarding this and some questions I have regarding [edit]'s program. Please let me know the best way I might be able to make an appointment with you.

This was a big step for me, then. Now, its trying to organize all my articles and research into my two drawer filing cabinet. I might just need to let go and buy a bigger one. :-) ~GoGo

Time and I are having arguments these days

Time and I are having arguments these days. I have 2 and 1/2 more projects to complete, an internship, a job, and personal to do's...to do. One personal to do is to spend time in my home reconnecting to me, my direction, and rebuilding my home. By nature, I do my best personal work when I have time to be the archeologist of my home - moving furniture, organizing my papers, sifting through the past parts of me and decided where does it need to be at this time in my life. I've been putting this off in order to attend to the more public sphere's of my life like a policy analysis, interventions, final exams, internships....you know the list.

Increasingly, my body, mind, and soul has been creeping up in my head with little plees to begin internalizing myself for a while in my home. I have a thousand projects in my head and the longer I put them off the larger the list grows...and the more I want to get started. See the part of me that needs this precious me time in my home does not beat to the rythms of time, but of the heart. My heart does not answer to anything but herself. I learned this much too late in life and the head part of me has learned to submit to her when she changes the beat of my life. It is a very special lesson I honor above all others. But how do you tell an organ that works when you sleep, keeps you alive, and well functioning, that you just have to wait a little longer?

I will put out there that my life has not been all or nothing in the self-care world. I have treated my time with myself like a lover whose been too busy to be around all the time. I've enjoyed the pockets of time when I get to focus on me and listen. I've even stopped my life in order to be with me for a moment...checking in. When your in school there are two things you learn to do well...skim read and power date the times you have with yourself. And when I say these things, I hope that bloggland doesn't see me as arrogant or self-centered. I truely believe the primary relationship in anyone's life is with themself. If you cannot be with yourself or honor yourself whole, how can you possibely be present...truelly present in anyone else's life or any other sphere. I just want more time right now, that's all.

All right, that's what happening for myself this week. Thanks for listening.

Grad School Reality Check

How I retain perspective while in Grad School.

Grad school...hard

Sitting through a speech George W. Bush makes...harder.

If I can do that, I can do anything.

One Thing You Shouldn't Do In Class

Psst. I am in class. Bored as hell. We are talking about group think, mcdonalization, and group power. Should be interested, but I can't pay attention to save my life! Group Presentation 1 went well. My group did well. I am always blown away by how I pull off talking in front of a class. It terrifies me until I actually do it. Hopefully I will make it happen again for presentation 2 tomorrow. Wish me luck.

To Pout or Not to Pout?

Hmm. Tired. Could someone please make my bed for me, clean my dishes, and make me a good meal that IS NOT from a resturant? Just finished with yet another group project. I now have to go to work and its getting to me. I miss Sunday's when I clean my home and make a good home cooked meal. Don't get me wrong...school is my choice, I knew exactly what I was getting into and know I am still doing just fine. My burn out level is pretty low and will address it as it comes along. With that said, I don't want to be funny tonight; I don't want to go to work; I don't want to have to pick up the pieces from other people in my group falling apart; and I don't want to come home to an unmade bed.

If I throw a tantrum, will anything get addressed? No. Damn it.

The Agenda

Remember undergrad, if you did undergrad? Remember Friday's? Remember naps? Remember when beer, illicit drugs, and Fun were Friday's Agenda? I don't and do miss those days. Somewhere I traded in naps for prioritized sleep and beer for running. How did that happen?

Friday's Agenda
1. Oh my god I get to sleep in till 8am tomorrow
2. 8:00 am Drink coffee...or tea but must have caffine!
3. 8:30 am Write that damn Paper on Regulative Principles
4. 10:00 am Run at Nature Center (Its my only free time really)
5. 11: 30 am Go to bed
6. 7:30 pm get up and go to coffee shop to study
7. 12am - 8am Go to Work