GoGo on a Page

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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Beach

Dunes copyright 2006

I couldn’t wait to get there. I got into my car and forgot something three separate times before I hit the road. It takes an hour and a half to get to the State Park beach that I go to, and I already had to leave after I finished with my Wednesday group I facilitate. I brought the bare essentials, but they were essential – Journal, colored pencils, camera, water, and blanket all packed in my backpack.

When I finally hit the road, my heart was beating fast in anticipation. I wanted to be there, now! I felt like a kid running in sprints then slowing myself down at my internal parental voice saying "slow down". I did take the time to calm myself, reminding myself that to really get what I need from a journey; I must be present throughout the trip. I settled into my drive, watching the scenery as I looked for cows to win “Cow, I win” for the day. I did. I let my thoughts flow in and out as I wondered what in me needed to come out this time around. I go to the beach to get grounded. I go to let go of residual energy of life and to embrace the energy of being there. I have not been to the beach since before the New Year. I had many things to let go of and many things I hoped to embrace.

Arriving I had the intention to let go of doubt, self-criticism, and that internal debate going on in my head these days – why can’t I just let life be as it is? I wanted to fill myself with courage, confidence, and I wanted the answers to feel like I mean something to something and most importantly to me.

The walk in is about a mile from the entrance to the dunes. It’s through hilly woods that isolate the soul from the day-to-day experience. It’s peaceful, quiet, with only wind and birds to greet the ears. And of course my internal dialogue. I choose the mile trail so that I can focus on my breathing, and try and control my brain that is ever tick tick ticking with a constant beat of conversation.

The moment before I hit the beach is always a reflective experience for me. I come out from the woods and am met with high dunes that block my view from the water and her overriding sounds, but the air smells wet and blue and open. I always pace myself so the moment when I hit the zenith of the hill, I can appreciate the paramount view of Lake Michigan. It always brings my ego self to my knees in awe. I am then greeted with the sound. Oh the sound! It’s a rhythm that fills every sense, so powerful it naturally changes the pace of my heart beat. The constant lapping of water from wave to shore stretches into infinity on either side of me. It instantly recalibrates my soul.

I spend time just staring at the water as I watch the calm waters lap up around my ankles. Its cold and I vary the position of my feet in and out of the water. I then move toward this dune of all dunes to climb to sit on the bluff and watch the sunset. It’s a difficult task, even at my healthiest days, but I find the ambition always leads to lessons of self I need to explore. This time, this lesson was a constant focus to just stop thinking already. Every inch forward was met with self-thought, self-introspection, self-doubt, and really nothing of self in the moment. I had barely made it to the first line of trees I needed to pull myself forward with and my mind was exhausted by the annoying internal sound. So, I decided it was simply time to stop. Stop moving, stop thinking, stop trying to find myself in this world and just be in it – etched, imperfect, and flawed – at least until I got up the hill. I could promise myself this.

Bluff copyright 2006
The rest of the trip upward was all about the body in the elements around me. Every touch of hand to tree or knee to sand was met with a monologue of silence. I never smelled with such intensity, touched with such texture, or listened with such intent.

At the top of the bluff where the dune meets the woods again, my mind wanted to start beating me up against the current of the water I heard. My body physically exhausted I decided I couldn’t let it anymore. It was time for me to move from mental introspection to physical contemplations. It was time to focus this heady head on something else.

I love the beach.

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Trying to Figure out the Parameter of GoodBye

I am on the periphery of saying goodbye these days. An artist is passing into another journey that none of us can tread. She is dying. All of her friends have built this web of support around her. This web extends to those of us who live at a distance via email. Its a spiral of support connecting all involved. Ten years ago I wouldn’t have thought that email lists would serve to connect the living with the dying as they move beyond us. It really is a beautiful process, and though the topic is morbid (excuse the pun), it is profoundly important. What a celebration of life in that in those last steps forward, you are met with a connection of folks supporting one another and you through it.

Like a rain drop falling into a river, a person leaving this world becomes the epicenter of a ripple flowing through all of us. This ripple lets us know how much the person has affected our lives. The process of connecting the people with her and those at a distance is an affect of a very powerful force departing. An artist, playwright, frontline liberation worker against sexual assault, home owner, friendship, laughter, and courage are some of the connectors in her life. As I watch this process between life and the beyond, I have realized that death is not a process of disappearing. Yes, she now has a journey different from us. She gets to see what happens when the body dies and what journey might lay beyond. But on our end, like the rain drop joins the river, her journey disperses into ours.

Of course, this is me just trying to write what this feels like. This is me trying to understand this goodbye that is welling up inside me. ~GG

And C, I hope these words greet you with comfort.

Monday, March 27, 2006

20 Things That Keep Me Healthy

I get up every morning, happy to see me (even if I have to drink coffee first).

I draw, write, create, clean, sing, and laugh like they are appendages in my life.

My relationships are based on the uniqueness of the experience,
not on what they can do for me
or what I can do for them.

I eat properly and exercise, grow a garden, ride a bike and walk when I can.

I read incessantly on a daily basis (right now its school stuff).

I avoid dynamics where people need me to take care of them, rather leaving my role as caring for them.

I face my fears of being alone.

When I cannot feel through doubts, fears, anger, or insecurities I sit with them like a child who needs comfort. (For the most part).

I avoid writing insults or judgments about people because I know words are weapons
and more importantly a poor reflection of self.

If it is the best option for me or reflects a closer truth of self, I will speak up in a group.

I avoid groups who need constant cohesion in order to survive.

I let myself laugh on a daily basis.

I embrace relationships where support, fun, and history are balanced like tides of strengths.

I strive for the comforts of life, and assess daily what that means for me.

I let myself hold my heart in my eyes like a window open.

I attempt to see life as an ebb and flow I can’t always control and not as a dire situation.

I walk besides my fellow humans, not in front or behind.

I embrace life like a journey, even when I cannot find my path.

I let myself be etched, flawed, and human.

I read blogs that inspire me, harbor my passions, and are just plain fun to read.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Burning Ring of Fire: Burn Burn Burn...

When the snow fell in a minor dust of white, I thought to myself its winter’s final dander falling from the clouds. When the snow fell in moist droplets of whiteness, I thought to myself its winter exfoliating its final layer. When the snow began to fall in clumps, I thought to myself its winter shedding. When I just went outside and watched the snow fall in huge doll-ups of clustered white, I knew she wasn’t anywhere near ready to shed her skin.

It’s another over night shift here in my world. My eyes are burning from the rear side forward. I have been here less than 2 hours and I want to go home. I had to come into work earlier today to get in some hours I needed before midnight only to then proceed to rent and watch movies before I came in. I only slept two hours before I returned, so this is me tired from not doing what I should have done - sleep. I wish I had justification to complain, but I don’t. It would be nice to live in the delusion that I have no control, but in the end, I screwed up and am now going to pay for it. Damn.

Tomorrow I have another field liaison meeting from 1pm until 6pm, so I have to power nap before and after...I call days like this the alpha/Omega strategy. Okay, I just made that up, but from here on out I am going to call days like this the alpha/Omega strategy.

I love sleep. What a beautiful word - sleep. Oh, that moment between consciousness and the dream world where the thoughts half awake meld into ridiculous commentary, conscious thoughts mold into unconscious interpretations. Or that moment when I release and give into sleep like a sinner giving into redemption.

Okay, I think I may have crossed a line with the sleep fantasies.

P.S. Can you guess the movie I watched?
That song is now in my head, except I'm singing burn, burn, burn - these eyes are tired, these eyes are tired...again....crossing a line here.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Exciting Thursday Adventure of a GoGo

It’s a gray day. Winter is still doing her best to stay which has left the air full of chill. It’s a stagnant, moist chill that sticks to your skin and gets in your lungs. The day reminds me of putting my face in the freezer and breathing in, except outside doesn’t have that freezer burn smell.

Don’t judge me and my freezer.

Of course, I am going to take this opportunity to run today. I’ve been itching to get out into the Nature Center and run. This last month, I’ve made it there to walk every week, but I have yet to put on my running shoes and go. Mmm. Being in the woods is a necessity for me.

I have way too much to do with class work tonight. At the same time, I just don’t want to do it. I feel like procrastinating, so my theory is I’ll do some healthy procrastination to balance out the guilt of avoiding doing work. Yeah, see this is what happens to a person in grad school. Task list become a constant companion like a dog or cat, except you really can’t pet a task list…unless you put it on really sweet paper then pet away. Task lists can comfort you though – when you check something off. The bonus of having a full task list is when you actually have free time to do nothing, NO GUILT. If you get to the spot where time is free, suddenly crashing on the couch is a bonus prize all your own….Um, I think I am digressing.

Anywho, if I where to sit on the couch tonight there is no way I will do what needs to be done (which is read 3 chapters and do a take home exam, and reading some articles for the DBT group presentation). Even if I did, the guilt ratio would be through the roof once I started on the projects. I have learned that once midnight roles around and I haven’t made it a 3rd of the way through something, my frustration level increases, and so does the exhaustion levels the next day. However, if I remind myself that I went running, in the woods none-the-less, I can justify my actions as work and NOT procrastination. Mmm. Hmm. Logical isn't it.

Like you don't do the same...come on think about it? You know you got some complicated rationalizing process for something...sweets, tv...relationships? Mmm. Hmm.

Now, will I do what I say I am going to do? Check out next time at the same GoGo time on the same GoGo channel…I will also be discussing what class am I going to skip so I can go to the beach next week. I must go and smell that change in the seasons from the top of this bluff I love…its absolutely incredible…which means I’m cutting class! Yeah, you can tell I'm a wild one.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Channeling Direction

She has rewritten this sentence five or six times, writing micro bursts of thoughts. She has watched the cursor blinking, getting lost in the beat. She has asked herself a hundred times “what am I writing today?” About the finale of the semester where projects and time are racing one another to the finish line? About daydreaming of her garden or books she will read once she crosses? Perhaps she should write about the direction of her academic/career goals, or how this semester is turning out?

She has asked herself repeatedly, “what do I need to say?” What direction is she going? And why her mind can’t seem to find a place to stay? Met with the off beat of this cursor, she decided she must be all typed out today.


Monday, March 20, 2006

Standard Deviation

Mmm. Spring’s about to burst. Can you feel it? The windy coldness is swarming like a hive of displaced bees. I believe I posted last fall about how the belly of the wind turns cold in winter, well in March mother nature starts to churn her breath into warming freshness displacing all that cold. The wind today revealed the earth is beginning to grow something new.

I was sitting on the bus today thinking over spring. For me, it means I’ll be outside more. I am excited about sitting on porches in good conversations, working the garden, running in the woods again… I can now start to ride my bike to class. I am a big baby when it comes to riding in cold weather. I can read a book outside and lay under the stars that I will wish upon to be a good writer. The first time I wished this I was 5 years-old, after I wrote my first book of poetry. It was the usual freshmen piece, words that rhymed with my name or ‘Mom’ and I could spell. I haven’t stopped wishing to be a good writer and won’t until I self-actualize my goals.

I was also thinking about how the end of winter was rough for me – back to the darkened corners, karma, scraped knees, social ineptness, blah blah blah. Just like the wind churns cold to warm and back again, so does the human spirit, displacing the equilibrium of self in order to reestablish it. How else can we make room for change we need in our lives? I understand this necessity for growth. With all that said, I hope that like the wind in spring, I am coming to the time where I can begin to smell the change I’ve been looking for, and that something new is finally growing.

May something new grow for all of us.

P.S. Look Ma, I actually made a link to a previous entry! I'm all grown up now.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Social Butterfly?

More like social butterflies in my tummy.

I am imagining a huge dumb ass sign all neon and flickering above my head. Why? It feels fun to feel like a dumb ass, its one of my favorite feelings. Okay, sarcasm aside because when I get nervous I tell stories. I pull from the pocket of myself interesting, funny stories that make people laugh. Um, that may be an exaggeration; maybe chuckle 5 out of 10 times is more like it. When life is in equilibrium, this is all find and dandy. But when I am nervous, I feel like I am puking stories all over people and I just won’t shut up already. Tonight, I went and hung out with friends, which is a normal pattern, but the group of people varied enough that I couldn’t ground myself. I am one of those unlucky people who hide my fear of socializing in being social. Besides feeling like a huge dumb ass, I am also an oxymoron. AND now I am writing bad puns.

Someone needs to stop me. The effect of this is my over critical mind will now commence with a thousand ways I should have been quiet, took way too much focus, and look self-absorbed.

Don’t get me wrong I prefer groups of people who can chat over and around each other, stopping and starting stories in a natural progression of unscripted dialogue. The best conversations fill the room with crowded noise. So, why do I feel bad when I am a part of it? Am I really as bad as I think I am or just askewing myself because socializing is my secret fear?
Hmm. Why doesn't life come with a manual and why hasn't anyone invented the book Being Human for Dummies?

I’m done sharing my fear of my own social ineptness. I am going to now go home and toss and turn before I sleep.


Cabbage Soup

"There has been complaints about your soup"

"Oh no, what were they? It didn’t taste awful did it?"

"No, everyone thought it was great and we ran out."

"Then what were the complaints?"

"There was no meat in it."

"Oh, well did they include some protein with it?"

"They made beans as a side dish."

"Did people eat the beans?"

"Yes, but some coworkers were complaining because you made soup with no meat."


And thus, started my work shift.

Some days I feel like a very young soul in a complicated world.

That or an old soul in a complicating world.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Eyes Wide Open, Eyes Wide Shut

Walking in the shadows before morning light, my mind is awake, but my eyes want to be closed.

To stay awake I made Cabbage soup at work. We had all these vegetables that needed to be used, including cabbage, so I thought why not make soup. Its filling this whole place with olfactory goodness. I feel accomplished. My work here is done, now I can go to home to bed. Oh wait, I have 3 more hours.

Today’s routine: I woke up surprisingly early and went to the library to do a Literature Review for a group presentation on Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I enjoy literature reviews and find myself having to pull back, otherwise I would spend more time then I have doing them. They remind me of when I was a kid and would spend hours reading the encyclopedia. I would start out with one subject, then flip to the other articles recommended at the bottom of the page, only to do the process over again at the end of the next page. I know, I know....I should have been practicing putting on makeup and creating visions of my wedding day in my head. Anyway, I loved the process. A Lit review is the same process. There are a thousand ways to find articles on a subject. I stopped at 27 articles knowing my group members wouldn’t appreciate my zealousness for information as much as I do.

I then worked on my internship application for next year. Rewrote the resume for the 100th time. I left the library and turned it into the Social Work Department. Met up with some peers who were doing the same thing. We chatted about the whole process, revealing gossip about what we heard about next year’s schedule. I learned the two people I was talking to think I’m anal. I kind of feel bad about this because I’m not...no seriously. I am self-aware people. See my thing is, I am lazy and loose attention pretty fast, so its best to do things quickly with detailed attention, so as not to have to worry about doing it later when I can be watching 6 Feet Under. I use efficiency so I can slack. But in the end, I just have to let go and hope its projection and not my anis in question.

Then when it was all said and done, I went home and went to bed to sleep for the overnight shift. I was awoken by a friend of mine who got a teaching job at the local community college. It took me a minute to realize it was my phone ringing and not my alarm clock. I kept hitting the thing, thinking all the while that 10 minutes sure do go by fast when your tired...I woke up when my phone beeped I had a message. I was happy for my friend when I listened to the excitement in her voice. Time finally paid off where patience was waning and she deserves this new experience. I wish I would have woken up fast enough to answer and tell her directly how proud I am.

After that, I went back to bed for about a half hour. My eyes were wide awake and didn’t want to stay closed any longer. I would like to point out to my eyes we could have had 2 additional hours tonight if they would have just stayed closed! :o).

P.S. I know I can turn off my phone. I do when I want to and don't when I don't...or forget.


Thursday, March 16, 2006

In the Bottom of a Dried Up Well & I Can't Stop Looking at My Reflection

I’m going through financial hell right now. Somehow every area of incoming money has decided to stop…even my job! It seriously reminds me of the Mad About You episode where Paul finds out the government thinks he's dead and for a whole weekend he can't access his bank account. Insurance company owes me money and is not paying, tax refund is still in the hands of the bankrupted government, and I have a problem with my time card hours which has delayed some funds. There is a part of me that feels just fine with this. It will work out in the end, and I know how to live broke. I’ve seen the bottom of an empty pocket before. But damn, all at once! My eye started twitching today. For about a ½ hour I was a sassy lady winking at everyone walking by….yeah, I looked cool.

On one hand, I know I will be just fine. I’ve done what I can for the moment to remedy the problems. All I can do is wait. (Insert a picture of a GoGo tapping fingers on table). This isn’t a dire situation; it just means I can’t waist my money until things clear up again. Guess, I won’t be going to the spa this weekend with the Jones. The other hand, I’m living on fumes until I get the problem fixed. And since I am not a zen master this means I am stressed out. Thank the goddess for humor I say.

My director at my internship gave me a astrological reading for a New Years gift this year. I read it again today and thought to myself “Damn, the financial trouble prediction was right on time!” It literally said, serious financial dilemma begins in March and clear up by the end of April. If the rest of it is right, I should find a “spiritual” guide in April around the time my financial woes end that will grow and end by August, then in October I will begin a new relationship and we're not talking about the plantonic chummy humdrummy relationship either. Hey, I say if it got the financial problems right, let’s hope the rest is too.

I’m so cheering for my astrological sign this year!


I just drooled from laughing.


Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Cluttered Mess of Self

She slips off her shoes with her toes. She turns on the light while shaking her coat off with her shoulders as she tosses her laptop bag in the papason next to the fireplace. She is home after a long day of working on various task, various parts of her life that needed tending to. Now, all she wants to do is pick up the trail of clothes that leads from the bedroom to the bathroom from the morning’s blurry rise. She smiles at the thought that she is picking up her history and piling it with assorted pieces of her past heaped in the corner of her bedroom. Tomorrow she’ll wash these yesterdays reinventing them into the today’s of tomorrow.

It’s as simple as that, she thinks to herself, trying to transform stagnate feelings into something new and possible. Of course, she knows the routine will be the same tomorrow – The trail of clothes as she makes her way to the bathroom, the dandruff of coffee grounds on the counter, and the coffee stained cup sitting unwashed on her kitchen table. Sometimes this varies and the cup is left on the end table next to the remote. Sometimes she actually gets dressed in her bedroom.

But she loves this routine like she loves to smile. She thinks most people just see her as a cluttered mess of self, but for her this is a ballet between morning and night. This is her dance.


Kate Peterson & Sarah Cleaver

Want to check out some great singer/sonwriters?
Check out these two: http://www.kateandsarah.com/

I worked with Kate at the music company. These two are really great folks. If you go and see them in a town near you, tell them GoGo said hello.


Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Dude, now that's funny.

The universe and I have an open dialogue. Its one of the healthiest conversations I’ve been in for most of my life. Don’t get me wrong there are days when I can’t believe the universe is bringing up one thing or another…and on more then one occasion I’ve actually told the universe “You’re seriously not bringing up that life lesson now!” On more than one occassion I've told the universe "I'm not listening to you", even though that never workds. But overall, it’s a copasetic relationship in which if I let myself, I can hear exactly what I am suppose to from the universe.

Communicating with the universe is not like hearing voices. There are no apparitions nor voices, nor glowing lights that swirl around in some “Ghost Whisperer” esque event. I’ll leave that for the especially touched or inflicted souls. Rather, this kind of communication comes from those moments of serendipitous coincidences that externally reflect what is going on for me in the internal. Now, there's a definition for you. Sometimes, it comes with the placid feeling of watching the sunrise, or the clarity in the moment of crisis. Sometimes, it comes in a conversation with someone else, who unwittingly becomes the voice for the universe. Sometimes, it just a smile.

As I said I would, I went to church this weekend. Though I am no Christian, I did miss singing hymnals and sharing a “God blessing” conversations with the elders in a church. A game I play is called “Count the # of God Blesses.” I counted 34 this weekend.

When I first arrived at my friend’s church, I was greeted by all these women in their 80s winking at me as though they had some insight into why I was there. I love the sass these women had. I’m gonna start winking the moment I get the honor of being a crone.

Where the universe and I conversed was when the minister began preaching his sermon. He was talking about laughter in the Bible. For the past year I have been relearning how to laugh, with full belly laughing…laughing that comes from the gut and disperses all of my energy into tears of shear joy. So, when on the one day I choose to go to this church, it was nice to know th universe decided to bring up laughter.

With the little life lessons that have confronted me this year – another conversation with the universe – I was wondering what I should be doing with it all. I’ve been asking myself, what am I suppose to be doing right now, if everything I am doing takes more energy than I have? School, work, internship feel like a constant dance of endurance that tightens my muscles and leaves me a little exhausted. Caring and loving myself are theories of ideal proportions, but when put into practice can add havoc to an already busy schedule. So, what am I to do? Then the universe, as the universe always does, answered with a roar of truth…laugh. Times get hard and sometimes the days seem impossible, unbelievable, and pointless. Until that clarity comes in it all, laugh. Until the mind catches up with the swirl of life, laugh. And when you get the answers, laugh some more.

When was the last time you shared a laugh that left you saying “No, stop, I can’t laugh another second.”?

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Ding Dong, the Workshops Done

My workshop went really well. I had 60 participants show and my participant evaluations reflected a very happy crowd! Its nice to only have one more workshop to do in April, plus run my continuing education group. This means I might be able to stay within my allotted hours instead of working more. I feel proud of myself. Watching people engage the presenters with valuable questions about their homes was rewarding.

One of the presenters discussed living in the Flood Plain. Here on the Eastside many residents reside in a flood plain zone and we are due for another huge flood anytime. The presenter discussed the basics of what they needed to know, as well as how to go about getting all important utilities above flood level. Many residents were not aware that there are funds to help with the renovations, so it was nice to have the information accessible to them. It was nice to see that we had ample information for every question the participants had like magicians pulling stuff from our sleeves. It took much work to get to this point, let me tell you!

After the whole thing, I went out to lunch with a friend and then crashed until I came to work. I’m sitting here on my over night shift just feeling glad to be done with one more thing. This finale of one more task has boosted my energy level some. That or it’s the fact that on the weekend I reverse my entire sleeping pattern to accommodate a paycheck. :o)

That’s about it. I’m looking forward to watching the sunrise and doing some communal praying after work... then diving into my bed and sleep.


Saturday, March 11, 2006

Heresy , Blasphemy, and Privilege: My Post Secret

The random thoughts mixing on a page send me in the direction of internal these days. Its another overnight shift here in my world. Four more hours then I get to go run the workshop for the internship, then sleep onto maybe a few hours at the coffee shop of study before another overnight shift. Back from vacation and back in the routine. None of it interests me much, or at least does not spur me to strike the keys to tell this page about them.

On Sunday I’ve decided to go to church with a friend/coworker. I’m not prone to communal worship and have long since fallen away from the one G-d theory of the Christian church. Hell, I’ve fallen away from organized Dieties all together preferring to mix my spiritual nourishment between faiths. But lately, I’ve been wanting to revisit the communal prayer. Just sit among a crowd of people and bow my head in silence. I have no intention of praying to "God" as defined by Bush. No intention of investing in the father, the son nor holy ghost, but I do intend to simply bow my head in silence and pray. It would be nice to participate in a communal prayer.

This isn’t the first time. Sometimes when I travel I visit random churches of various faiths and participate. Like I said, I mix my faith with what fits for me. My faith as I define it is a belief that investing in positive energy brings positive energy, investing in internal contemplations brings internal peace, and in all things there is no hierarchy of truth. If it is not appropriate for me to go as a passer by, I do not attend the faith. If who I am is not welcomed, then I do not go. Sometimes my church is mother nature’s sunrise burning in the eastern sky or the hollowed rings of the moon crossing against the clouds. Sometimes I sit with Buddhist as a welcomed visitor meditating, or reading a Sutra the Ajhan passes my way. Sometimes I participate in Jewish ceremonies that friends invite me to. Sometimes I commune with my pillow over what I should do. And sometimes, I just sit on my porch and listen to a choir of birds, but each time I am always with the light of faith. How many people would wince at this, calling out privilege or blasphemy. I say wherever the spirit leads you, go. This is my universal belief.

I need this right now in my life because I have no f^&*ing clue what I am doing these days. Its been 7 months of the busy routine. Its going to be a number of months more. I can’t seem to get my energy intake to match what I am using. Its not physical, its not mental (for once), its not even emotional. I have no clue what I need to get my engines burning again. So, I’m going to sit in silence in a church of faith and pray.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Turning the Corner & See'n the Finish Line

Tomorrow is my big day! It’s the second of three workshops I have coordinated at my internship for Home Improvements. One hat of two I wear here. How does Home Improvement relate to a MSW degree? I ponder that as well, but the community appreciates the workshops and my internship does focus on community. I have over 70 people signed up to attend and four awesome presenters lined up. Here’s to another successful workshop. I’ve worked my rear off on this thing, so I can’t wait until its over. I’m proud of myself, without going down the road of ego trips. Anywho, this is the second to last workshop for me. I'm very excited.

Wish me luck.


Thursday, March 09, 2006

One Thing Leading into Another: Memory Lane

It rained a thunderous thunder storm here last night. Rain came poring down in sheets of thick wetness and lightening brightened the sky. Storms here are timid compared to where I come from, which is only 150 miles away, but lake effect makes a huge difference. Lightening would strike my childhood backyard every summer. My best friend and I would sometimes run outside afterwards to see if we could find stones crystallized inside. Never did, but once I witnessed a tree split in half by lightening. I can still smell the air in my mind’s nose. I can still hear my older brother yell out “That was cool”.

Last night’s storm was nice though. I stood watching the storm while I traveled into memory’s reservoir of experience. I remembered the time when I ran out in this ridiculously dangerous storm with KN in college. We were crazy. We just ran as fast as we could then fell into a flooded patch of grass and laughed. I miss the days when the priority was spontaneous to do’s to do.

Then there was the time I played with some neighbor kids in this misty sprinkle on a sunny day. We were in the woods in this lot next to my house pretending to be fairies enchanting the sky.

Then there was the time I was caught in a huge scary storm with SC in a junk yard as kids. Yes, as a kid I believed “No Trepassing” Signs were only meant for adults. Who can blame curious kids using his & her imagination? We snuck in and pretended to play spies, running up and down the piles, ducking behind tire towers. Then the storm hit and we were scared shitless. We were too afraid to run under the fence that led into the woods where we came from…so we sucked up our pride and went into the junkyard office, more scared of the weather than the owner. Um, in kid world this is kind of is taboo. I mean admitting your wild and crazy indiscretions with an adult. It meant you busted yourself. In the end, the fence was fixed, but the dude never told our parents, though he did make us feel he would.

Its still raining these grey steady beads of rain, the kind that turns off the internal clock and sends me drifting in sleepy. The kind that does not spur me to do anything but go home and eat soup.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Back in Town, Back to Work

It’s been nice to turn things off, but now that I’m warming up the brain for the “to do list”, I wish I had more time on standby. Alas, the time when vacations spanned a summer is gone. Bye summer vacations, I miss the boredom that came by August!

This week I have my internship plus another Home Improvement Workshop I am coordinating this weekend. I also am finishing the final touches on a Single System Design Intervention Measure for a class, plus starting to work on a presentation due at the end of the month. I’ve long since given up on keeping up on the readings…I’ve learned the hard way how to skim read.

Busy. I have become so comfortable with that word, I feel like we’re bed mates. Busy is a blanket hog and pushes snooze way too much. I’m getting better at this though. I am keeping up on laundry and Six Feet Under is my stress relief these days.

Wow, this was a boring entry.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Urban Palette: Why There are so Many "I Heart New York" T-shirts!

Flowing. People here flow up and down the sidewalks, mixing with one another down streets and avenues. Sometimes flash floods of bodies crash all around in the subway stairwells, or turbulent rapids bubble down 42nd or Chinatown. The Met stoned steps were this indescribable waterfall of winter coats and hats cascading toward the street. I find myself getting lost in all the undercurrents of movement as bodies swirl around one another without ever really touching. Personal space most definitely decreases here in New York. For about a half a moment I would say sorry when I “touched” someone while waiting in line, then realized no one cares around here. They do care if you say sorry over and over again!

Color and light. The subways are this blend of ding and color folding into one another. Snow and rain stain the tiled floors and walls this grey color, and yet the absolute beauty of murals and “bill notes” permeates the imposing dirt. There are so many shades of color in New York from subway seats to paintings; I can see why artists are drawn here. The lighting spans the spectrum of a cinematographers dream – UV in the subway, the explosion of plasma color in Time Square, dramatic low key lighting at The Fez to natural lighting in the halls of the Met, and I shouldn’t forget all the shadows and light permeating the buildings. My g-d, the sun has such an artist’s palette when rising and setting over New York City.

Digesting. New York has been a great time with wonderful friends. I would love to spend more days just finding all the wonder of this place. I’d like to dare the subway by myself, go back to the Ruby Fruit Bar & Grill one more time just to hear this organist inspire this tiny tiny restaurant of people to sing show tunes one more time. Discover more. Take a taxi. Go to the outer burros. See the Tribeca Film Festival. Hell, live in Tribeca! Alas, my money flow has dwindled and my plane ticket says I need to leave tomorrow. Besides, I miss my home and bed.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Living It Up In New York City...Well I'm Gonna

I'm typing this while in my friends apartment in Harlem. I got in late last night and have yet to explore anything. The best part of this trip so far is coming into New York, clouds crowding the plane as we descended into Lagardia (SP), then suddenly BAM - city and lights every where. The geek that I am, I whispered just a little too loud "Oh, my god, this is great!". I turned to see my neighbor, who lives in New York smile this smile of "she's a first timer" or perhaps it was just my projection of it all. Either way, I enjoyed the experience and as soon as Lady M & S get back from work, I intend to enjoy more! Until then, this is me waiting...and watching cable.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Come Be a Part of the Circle

I want to depart from self-introspection and write about the circle of things in my life right now. I have a friend in California taking care of his best friend surviving through cancer. He is a dear friend caring for another dear soul. Everyone they both have touched in some way have created this virtual circle of support. Emails, list serves, and snail mailed letters are being passed back and forth in hopes that our words can comfort and support. I wish I could do more to stop this momentum of crisis in both their lives. Sitting in this chair of powerlessness, I know all I can do is shed these thoughts and send them on their way in hope that they become prayers answered. If you read this, will you too pass a thought their way…if enough are sent, maybe they’ll be heard.