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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Social Butterfly?

More like social butterflies in my tummy.

I am imagining a huge dumb ass sign all neon and flickering above my head. Why? It feels fun to feel like a dumb ass, its one of my favorite feelings. Okay, sarcasm aside because when I get nervous I tell stories. I pull from the pocket of myself interesting, funny stories that make people laugh. Um, that may be an exaggeration; maybe chuckle 5 out of 10 times is more like it. When life is in equilibrium, this is all find and dandy. But when I am nervous, I feel like I am puking stories all over people and I just won’t shut up already. Tonight, I went and hung out with friends, which is a normal pattern, but the group of people varied enough that I couldn’t ground myself. I am one of those unlucky people who hide my fear of socializing in being social. Besides feeling like a huge dumb ass, I am also an oxymoron. AND now I am writing bad puns.

Someone needs to stop me. The effect of this is my over critical mind will now commence with a thousand ways I should have been quiet, took way too much focus, and look self-absorbed.

Don’t get me wrong I prefer groups of people who can chat over and around each other, stopping and starting stories in a natural progression of unscripted dialogue. The best conversations fill the room with crowded noise. So, why do I feel bad when I am a part of it? Am I really as bad as I think I am or just askewing myself because socializing is my secret fear?
Hmm. Why doesn't life come with a manual and why hasn't anyone invented the book Being Human for Dummies?

I’m done sharing my fear of my own social ineptness. I am going to now go home and toss and turn before I sleep.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous T said...

i am glad to be privy to your funny stories in person. i never knew groups made you uncomfortable until you told me.

i've done the neon sign above my head to. that's a great description of how it feels sometimes to put urself out there.

11:01 AM, March 20, 2006  
Blogger Alexandra G said...

That sign is embroidered into my forehead so you aren't alone! I laughed as I read through this wonderful post. I tend to self-monitor myself too throughout social occasions and just hate it! I seem to only be comfortable with 1-5 people at a time or totally alone! But I say give yourself a huge break and remember all there is about you to love, cherish, & embrace, ok?

11:18 AM, March 20, 2006  
Blogger GoGo said...

Thank T and Alexandra. Writing this entry helped me to smile about the whole process. I don't have answers for myself in this area, so a good post would have to do. I enjoyed writing it.

I appreciate the reminders. Breaks are good things.

8:34 PM, March 20, 2006  

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