My life has finally come to a snails pace. I spend my time relaxing, reading mind candy only, while taking much personal space to just fill the time with self-care. I went to see Ellis
play tonight with friends and enjoyed the experience immensely. I canceled my human sexuality seminar this semester because it turned out to be a very intensive class with way too many project due. I knew I needed the rest of summer to build my energy for the fast pace of the fall. Yeah, I’m glad I set this boundary.
I have been trying to find a way to say goodbye to this page. Recently, I have felt more exposed here then comfortable with the space. My anonymity has disappeared. This page, a grace in tasky days where my lap top and I were virtually inseparable from the continuous lists of tasks, feels too vulnerably exposing. At first it was a place to just get outside the brain melt of school, then turned into self-exploratory space, turned into a place where I could let myself out into the world. Now that I am out, I just want to cover myself. Now that I am out, I suddenly am afraid I will reveal too much of the parts of me hidden that should remain that way. How sad is that? I don’t like that belief about myself.
The anonymity isn’t about other bloggers knowing my name...that’s fine really. Its more like somehow on the page I have let out into the world parts that scare me. I have an anonymity with the people in my personal life too that has been compromised, and I suddenly want to run from it. It comes from old core beliefs that taught me to hide myself to keep myself safe. And though I have left the core of these beliefs, there is still this huge fear that I will reveal something that...what...takes away a reader...exposes me to consequences I’m not prepared to make...makes me more human? I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I am afraid.
I don’t want to give up this page though. I don’t want to create a new page with a new name. This was another thought these past few weeks. Just stop writing here and go somewhere else. That way I can put myself out into the world, without really doing it. Hmm. That feels old and enmeshed with core beliefs I don’t want anymore. So what does a GoGo do?
Writing for me is completely in a self-expressive place. Words are the most genuine part of myself that does not flow unless I genuinely write with internal motivations that move the words in this self. Does that make sense?
Somehow this mask of safety I have created for myself, doesn’t feel so much like a mask anymore. My own words have turned into a big arrow that points directly to me, where I live and who I am. Now, if I read this line on someone else’s blog, I would ask "Does "who I am" have a place in this world?" If this was someone else’s blog I would celebrate that the person took the space to just be and offered support that there is worth in just being in the world. This is not someone else’s blog...it’s mine and doubt fills my mind.
This probably wouldn’t be as scary if I had more school related things to write about or if I could just get myself to write about the grocery lists of living, politics, music or anything not directly about myself. At this moment, the things that occupy my thoughts and inspire words are all about my past and parts of myself that never lived in the light of day. There is this brewing need inside myself to just give myself permission to let these darken corners of self the space to just be on this page. This scares me to pieces! I don’t trust myself on this page to not say too much.
Its like this. Words were also a space for me to tell my truth to myself growing up. There was huge portions of my past where being myself in the world wasn’t safe or okay, so I learned to hide it in the text I wrote to myself. These words were hidden from everyone and anyone in my life. Now, with a public blog, I’m scared of what the written word exposes about me. I can’t control the image of me.
I am not ready to give up this page though or compromise with the fear.
This is just a blog. Just written words on a page, and yet at this moment, it feels like a place that is making me decide is "who I am" worth the space to live in the world, exactly how I am in the moment? Do I really want my blog space to go here? What do I need from this space?
Right now, I have this overwhelming need to stop writing, toss out the password and walk away from this page....run is more like it. This feels old...the kind of old that isn’t wise or self-loving, but it certainly feels safer then the alternative...which is writing about exactly what’s on my mind. I think I do
this in my personal life too – run when I reveal too much. I don’t want to run anymore...can this page be a symbolic act of not running or is it best to change the page?
If anyone actually read this whole entry...insight, advice, and perspective would be greatly appreciated.
~GoGo on a Page
Photos are from the Ellis