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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Parameters con.


My life has finally come to a snails pace. I spend my time relaxing, reading mind candy only, while taking much personal space to just fill the time with self-care. I went to see Ellis play tonight with friends and enjoyed the experience immensely. I canceled my human sexuality seminar this semester because it turned out to be a very intensive class with way too many project due. I knew I needed the rest of summer to build my energy for the fast pace of the fall. Yeah, I’m glad I set this boundary.

I have been trying to find a way to say goodbye to this page. Recently, I have felt more exposed here then comfortable with the space. My anonymity has disappeared. This page, a grace in tasky days where my lap top and I were virtually inseparable from the continuous lists of tasks, feels too vulnerably exposing. At first it was a place to just get outside the brain melt of school, then turned into self-exploratory space, turned into a place where I could let myself out into the world. Now that I am out, I just want to cover myself. Now that I am out, I suddenly am afraid I will reveal too much of the parts of me hidden that should remain that way. How sad is that? I don’t like that belief about myself.

The anonymity isn’t about other bloggers knowing my name...that’s fine really. Its more like somehow on the page I have let out into the world parts that scare me. I have an anonymity with the people in my personal life too that has been compromised, and I suddenly want to run from it. It comes from old core beliefs that taught me to hide myself to keep myself safe. And though I have left the core of these beliefs, there is still this huge fear that I will reveal something that...what...takes away a reader...exposes me to consequences I’m not prepared to make...makes me more human? I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I am afraid.

I don’t want to give up this page though. I don’t want to create a new page with a new name. This was another thought these past few weeks. Just stop writing here and go somewhere else. That way I can put myself out into the world, without really doing it. Hmm. That feels old and enmeshed with core beliefs I don’t want anymore. So what does a GoGo do?

Writing for me is completely in a self-expressive place. Words are the most genuine part of myself that does not flow unless I genuinely write with internal motivations that move the words in this self. Does that make sense?

Somehow this mask of safety I have created for myself, doesn’t feel so much like a mask anymore. My own words have turned into a big arrow that points directly to me, where I live and who I am. Now, if I read this line on someone else’s blog, I would ask "Does "who I am" have a place in this world?" If this was someone else’s blog I would celebrate that the person took the space to just be and offered support that there is worth in just being in the world. This is not someone else’s blog...it’s mine and doubt fills my mind.

This probably wouldn’t be as scary if I had more school related things to write about or if I could just get myself to write about the grocery lists of living, politics, music or anything not directly about myself. At this moment, the things that occupy my thoughts and inspire words are all about my past and parts of myself that never lived in the light of day. There is this brewing need inside myself to just give myself permission to let these darken corners of self the space to just be on this page. This scares me to pieces! I don’t trust myself on this page to not say too much.
Its like this. Words were also a space for me to tell my truth to myself growing up. There was huge portions of my past where being myself in the world wasn’t safe or okay, so I learned to hide it in the text I wrote to myself. These words were hidden from everyone and anyone in my life. Now, with a public blog, I’m scared of what the written word exposes about me. I can’t control the image of me.

I am not ready to give up this page though or compromise with the fear.

This is just a blog. Just written words on a page, and yet at this moment, it feels like a place that is making me decide is "who I am" worth the space to live in the world, exactly how I am in the moment? Do I really want my blog space to go here? What do I need from this space?
Right now, I have this overwhelming need to stop writing, toss out the password and walk away from this page....run is more like it. This feels old...the kind of old that isn’t wise or self-loving, but it certainly feels safer then the alternative...which is writing about exactly what’s on my mind. I think I do this in my personal life too – run when I reveal too much. I don’t want to run anymore...can this page be a symbolic act of not running or is it best to change the page?
If anyone actually read this whole entry...insight, advice, and perspective would be greatly appreciated.

~GoGo on a Page

Photos are from the Ellis web page.

11 Comments:

Anonymous krista said...

Hi,

You wrote what you would do if you were reading this on someone elses blog. What you wrote is exactly what I will do-

I celebrate that you took the space to just be and I offer my support that there is worth in just being in the world.

I know what you mean in your ambivalence about the writing. It happens to me on a regular basis. I have debated deleting my entire blog several times. I have debated starting over, anonymously. I usually come back to the same conclusion- If I don't like the voice/self that is emerging, I just try to step back and observe it. I try to honour it and give it the room it demands, keeping in mind that my self/my voice is constant, ever changing, and sometime it will be ugly and sometimes it will be beautiful.

The fact that it is out there, exposed to whoever chooses to see it, creates the element of accountablility. It Pushes me further into self discovery because I am out there, naked and sometimes uncomfortable.

6:55 AM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger Alexandra G said...

I'm so sorry you're having to struggle with this! I know if there were certain people in my life who read my blog I would feel uncomfortable with it as well. I am glad you aren't going to give in to those feelings though to close your blog or "go underground" with a new site and name. But you have to do what feels right to you. I hope it won't inhibit what you have to say or that now you feel like you have to take care of others' feelings by not writing as you would otherwise. Not that we should use words to go out of our way to hurt others of course, but you also have a birthright to tell and share your truths, your experience, your stories, if thats what you want and/or need to do. Sending you a hug on what sounds like a stressful day!

10:10 AM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger Stonetree said...

Wrestling with these same issues myself. No answers here, will let you know if I find some, you do the same. Oh, and add in wanting to say things about yourself relative to other people (who some of your readers also know, or who are your other readers) but not wanting to make choices for them about what is revealed. ai yi yi

12:55 PM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger BendingPeak said...

After reading your post my first thought (as selfish as it is may be) don’t stop writing here. It sounds like you have come to a place fork in the road. You can either put your self out there and really talk about the underlying issues that this blog is making you face, or you can just stay here for a little while and ride out the hard part. Write the daily stuff, write about what is really going on, but I think that no matter what it is important to write. Do you think that the old feeling is related to what you are writing about or how you are feeling about the writing?
Good luck, I am anxious to read your next post... as always!

9:51 PM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger JourneyThroughLIfe said...

GG, the things that you are feeling fear about, are the things that I love about your blog. There aren't too many blogs out there that I feel a real connection to. I always look forward to reading your words. I connect to your journey of yourself. I connect to the depth of your soul searching.

As someone who does the same thing, I understand your fear. Fear often comes up for me with my blog. There are times when I write a post and then want to delete it. Do you remember one I wrote recently and almost deleted. It was your words that made me glad I had put those words out there for you and others to read.

It is those things that we are frightened of that are the things that we need to explore. They are the things that will truly allow ourselves to grow and evolve. Our blogs with their mixture of anonymity and revealing yourself are the perfect place to do it.

Obviously the most important thing is for you to do what is right for you. However, I would miss you a great deal if you were to leave your blog! The coincidence between our two blogs was brought to my attention again in your post with your words of "who I am". My recent post is titled "I am me"!! Interestingly, it is also a post that I considered deleting! But it is still there.

I love Krista's words about sitting back and observing the ever changing voice that emerges.

I wish I could sit down with you and have a big chinwag about this topic. I would enjoy that a great deal!

JTL
xxx

10:19 PM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger JourneyThroughLIfe said...

PS. I love the pictures!!!

10:20 PM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger paris parfait said...

Hey sweetie, we all have days of ambivalence about writing - that usually means we should keep writing! Even if it's not on a blog - that's up to you! It sounds like you're just going through a lot of changes and feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Maybe you're thinking too much about all this - if you feel like writing one day, fine; if not, wait for another day. Sometimes taking a step back can be all we need - a little rest, a little perspective. But don't give up your voice, please! We've all come to appreciate it - and you! Tara xo

5:04 PM, July 08, 2006  
Blogger Cate said...

I read this post like a story--was glued to the page, trying to figure out how the problem would eventually be resolved and the story would end.

Only, this "story" is about YOU, and your fierceness, your courage amaze me! The fact that you have ended the post with questions . . . well, that just awes and impresses me even more, because after all, that's what it's all about--formulating the questions and working through them to get to the answers.

I only know that as a reader, it is your honesty in what you write that draws me to you. And as a writer, I feel that the uncomfortable moments are usually the most important ones--the discomfort of transcending fear, taking risks, and, as you so beautifully describe, exposing oneself to consequences. It sounds, to me, like you are on the cusp of discovery--and that is a wonderful (and scary) thing!

I wish you well in working through your feelings. Many hugs for sharing yourself with us. xo

P.S. And on a personal note, I hope to God you don't go anywhere. Because if you did, I'd really miss you :)

7:22 PM, July 09, 2006  
Blogger GoGo said...

Thanks for the words. I didn't expect this kindness...just advice. I'm still not sure what i want to do, while i'm still doing what I want to do. i guess i will have to let the critique in my head just keep busy b/c at the end of my day...i just like to write and someday i hope this was an exercise for the book i really want to write.

if this is me being crazy, I guess i accept the diagnosis.

May I offer encouragement and kindness back to all of you who read.

My love,

GG

10:00 PM, July 11, 2006  
Anonymous T said...

what i love about you is your ability to be honest. u r the most sincere person i nkow. what happened that makes u want to run?

u don't hesitate to be there for me, not cause you want something in return but cause its your nature. i like u writing about u. please don't stop. i get though that these responses aren't why u wrote this another thing i love about u.

i'm glad ur still writing. write no matter what. those who really want to know u will embrace ur words. those who don't have lost.

11:47 AM, July 28, 2006  
Blogger Wenda said...

Phew! I'm so grateful you decided to continue blogging here. I'm still just catching up and though I might not have known what I was missing (if you hadn't kept writing), the loss would have been huge.

I grapple with these same issues. Thoughout my silent August, I wondered whether I would be better off writing somewhere else anonymously or not writing at all.

12:18 AM, September 04, 2006  

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