Is there a theme to all of this?

Feeling overwhelmed tonight, wondering can I really do this Masters program? How much work is ahead of me? Its all catching in the depth of my chest and I feel like I can't breath.

But I can. I have. I take on this challenge of breathing. I think this catching in my chest is the fear that already I cannot catch up...and its only been week one. But then I remember how many deadlines I've faced in my life, how many impossible tasks I have accomplished, how many unknowns I have faced in the work place, how many of the how manys I have done, and I know this Masters Program has got nothing on my work history or life herstory.

What is still catching in my chest? Oh, that's it. I haven't spent any time asking myself how I am feeling these days. I don't want to read because not all of me is ready to move forward.

So I ask myself, how am I feeling?

Scared...and that's okay.

Tonight in the Art Gallery

http://edbonsevilleno.blogspot.com/

To Pull Off a Catholic School Girl Outfit for the 1st Day

Evening Quote: Life as a GoGo can be very challenging, especially when you have two left feet.

Its late and I am doing one of my overnight shifts at my job. Dear Job, please don't fire me for posting...it keeps me productive in the wee hours...seriously. My mind goes to Dooce (http://www.dooce.com) and I wonder do I learn not from the dooces of others? Apparently not. Anywho, as I was saying its another one of those late nights on an overnight.

I like working into the wee hours. Its really a clean and sober version of getting drunk. My inhibitions and thought processes seem to decrease, except I am not wanting to get laid or drive or anything. Instead, my mind starts to go down alleys of thought I don't believe I would go if it wasn't for the loopy exhaustion tearing down some walls. For example, tonight I cannot stop thinking about what I am going to wear my first day back at class.

Sure I had a summer class already and have really gotten all I needed or wanted from High School insecurities and freshman (college) desperate need to impress. I mean, I think there is really nothing more I can gain from my own personal inadequacies or approval of others at this point in the game. So why focus so much on first day impressions when a pair of jeans and a top should suffice? With that said, I seem to be very eager about what I am going to wear my first day of class. I want to do something off beat, yet sophisticated. Something that will possibly age fuck with people, if not gender screw at the same time, right. Then it hit me in this early hours. I will find myself a little blue and white plaid skirt and a white blouse with tie, knee high socks, and some maryjanes. How cute would that be?

I figure the gender blending could come in with my butch personality. I know this is a factor because on Friday I had an interview for this very overnight position that I have taken on until they hire someone (which I hope is me). Anyway, I decided to wear this new skirt I got from a friend. Its ankle length and segregated into three layers of denim and black. A poor description but a wonderful skirt. I had worn it to a orientation I had for the fall before the interview and another lesbian butch friend looked at me crazy like, saying to me in nonverbals "You got to be kidding, your butch, what's up with the skirt?" I agree I am butch, but I personally think a butch who can pull off a skirt is more sexy then a femme just wearing the same old thing. In fact, I think its so sexy, the next time someone asks me what is my favorite type of girl, I am going to answer a butch in a skirt...

These ramblings are close to delirious. I don't know if I am going to try and pull off the catholic school girl uniform, especially now that I think more about it, I don't have the right glasses to do it right...the nerdy black rims. I don't feel anywhere close to a hot butch in a skirt, nor think I can obtain tht status. I am simply tired, and for a brief moment, I quite enjoyed my first day of school, butch in a skirt motif running through my head.

Time in a Bottle

Life is on the extremely busy side. Too many things to do all at once. Its times like these when my mind wants to go into brat mode and simply open a bottle of wine and chill out in front of a movie. But I can't, mind, please except your present overwhelming, maximum overload busy-ness. In fact, please accept it for the next two years. I promise to overindulge in drink, food, and other human weaknesses within the interludes of time I have. Please stand by.

I am starting a Master's program and today was the orientation for the program. I am very scared I am not prepared for what I have gotten into...but then I remind myself, there have been a number of situation where I have gotten myself in over my head and somehow found my way out. I can't think of a single example, but I am going to go on blind faith that this has in fact happened. My bratty mind has just interjected Mars and the belief I had until a few days ago that it was getting as big as the moon...see thegroupthing.blogspot.com. So, I tell my mind to shut up, drink some wine, and watch TV! No wait...

Why can't I title my enteries?

Its early. Just finished an overnight. Too tired to write anything, but am trying it anyway. The only thing I want to write at this moment is: sleep is a beautiful thing. There is something about an overnight that makes a bed feel perfect. Stretching out my toes and arms, curling the pillow under my head and taking a deep breath. I am a queen of sleep when dawn roles around. There's nothing like the exhaustion of living between sunset and sunrise. There is something about all nighters that quiets the soul. I feel grounded. I also feel delirously tired and am glad to be going to sleep! good night...