GoGo on a Page

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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

If Lost, Please Locate Your Nearest Random Stranger and Listen

We all have our stories. I enjoy it when I get to spend time learning about someone else's story. I feel privledged when someone shares themselves with me. Once, while traveling to Philadelphia I met a guy I call G.I. Jason. He told me all about how he wanted to become a sniper for the CIA and all the discipline that came with his journey. He happened to be on this particular bus going to DC to leave for a foreign country and one of our "democratic wars" . In the course of the night, he wound up falling asleep, head falling into my lap as he attempted a autobus version of the fetal position. This spoke pages about him.

While in Cleveland, I came across this wonderful crone who wore her years like the women in my family do, with grace and leathered toughness. She was smoking a cigarette at the bus station, under a huge sign that said "NO SMOKING". A security guard came over and asked her to put it out. The conversation went something like this:

Guard: Mame, do you see the sign?
Lady: What sign? (she inhales a puff)
Guard: The one behind you.
Lady: (She turns ever so slowly while still smoking her cigarette) I didn't see that sign before.
Guard: Well, your gonna have to put it out.
Lady: Son, I am older then the first dirt God made, but I'll put it out. (As she inhales, then puts the cigarette out on the bottom of her shoe).
Guard: Thanks, mame. (Walks Away).
Lady: (Lights another cigarette).

These memories came into my head tonight. I know they have been told and retold, written in my journal and I'm sure thought of more then once, but I wanted to put them here...to explain why I write a silly little blog on the web. Besides being a really nice reprieve from school work right now, I like to think I am sending out energy into the world with this thing. I am a person who has made many mistakes, many wrong turns, and lets face it, its taken me too long to own them sometimes. Sometimes, even though I feel comfortable in my independence and focused journey, I get lost on my road...Wondering if I am even on a path. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot remember where I am...and in this moment I feel completely scared that its not just the sleepiness I am feeling. But I never feel lost while listening to someone's story, watching our events unfold, or writing my own. My own story is a combination of self and all things that have touched me. Words in my head and words on a page are a way to connect them, and in a story unfolding I feel like I am touching something beyond me...and this guides me onto another day. So excuse me if I post too much right now. I feel glad I am going to school, glad I think I am going in my direction...but its taking much energy and putting things out here helps to remember which way I am going, what I want to put out into the world, and what I want to come back to me.

Evening Quotes, I never want to forget them

These are quotes from random conversations. Imagine two tired folks who are serious when they say these things.

Co-Worker: Lets market a catchup with hot sauce in it...what should we call it?

GoGo: CatchHot, we could then sell its sex appeal.

CW: Whatcha gonna do tomorrow?

GoGo: Besides sleep?

CW: Yeah

GoGo: Sleep some more

GoGo: I used the term "spectrum of beauty" and "this is well-written bull shit" this last week in my conversations...I feel kind of proud of myself.

CW: Yeah, well I used "My whole is so plugged I need a plumber's snake to get regular...I just feel constipated.

These lines were written with permission of my co-worker...who wants to wait for the perfect nickname, so stuck with co-worker.

Time Change?

I just realized I have to work an extra hour tonight.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The Only Thing That Can Look Good Over 150 lbs is Personality

Disclaimer: This post is full of self-righteous anger and bold convictions. It might offend, trigger, and pretty much make you think.

I've spent a good portion of this late evening twirling this post in my head. What do I want to put out into the world and why? The word FAT is in my head, then beauty and body image trailing close behind. I had a conversation with someone that is still stuck in my mind and somehow I want to release it here. HERE because I think what I said and still have to say might very well reach someone else who needs to get this!

I am many things - a woman, lesbian, 29, working class (‘cause I own it), college educated into middle class, grad student, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, grandchild....and the list goes on...
I am also many terms that feel most uncomfortable, even in the anonymity of GoGo on a Page. Maybe here, to even mention them would loose some of what I am to them, but tonight I am going to say them anyway ‘cause you need to hear them!

I am a big girl, robust, voluptuous, round, plump...and most definably FAT. I write these words in caps because that is how we say them in this society and that is how it is heard. Large capitol letters as big as that word entails for those who speak it. As big as those words are intended to be when we say them about others. Even in our whispers, we can’t help to curl our enunciation into large exclamation, holding a little too long onto each letter...fffFFFFAAATT.

I got confronted on two fronts with this word. First, beauty...guess what ladies...just cause I’m FAT does not mean the only thing that can be beautiful about me is my personality. Second, body image...I’m not gonna wait till I have figured out how to be thin to increase my body image. My image IS NOT contingent on whether I "fit the part".

I just got tired today of having the same old conversation we women have learned to carry around under our layer of skin for centuries now. Tired of the same old conversation that we women teach each other and WE women instill in ourselves. And yes, it is hard to believe your something if society deems you as NOT, but thank the blessed goddess that I am too arrogant tonight to give a flying Penguin what society deems anything, nor anybody who is in my life for that matter.

I’ll be the first to admit that I want to be healthier: I run, work out, and have spent the last few years relearning my eating habits. I’ll be the first to admit that I have lost the chance at relationships with women I like because of MY body and image and it hurt like hell too. I know these things will still get in the way sometimes. I’ll even be the first to admit that how I got here was years of just not liking myself, but tonight I have no intention of internalizing this bullshit that the only thing that can look good over 150lbs is personality. I feel like its kept me passive, always waiting till I know for sure the other girl likes me first before saying how I feel. Not letting myself completely look in a mirror because its vain to like yourself AND BE FAT. Not trusting someone’s love because it can’t be true ‘cause I’m FAT.

I’ve internalized many things in my life, but I’m not eating anymore of this bullshit, and I'm gonna call you out when you try and feed it to me.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Post blah, Pre more blah

This is an epilogue to lots of group work today. Lots! I am about to go home and sleep for a while. I really enjoy my bed these days. Its the only time I can turn off my brain. Today I find my words getting stressed and communication poor. I went for a walk at a Nature Center earlier to clear my head, do some exercise, and let go of much crap swirling in my head.

I feel pretty good though. To be completely honest, I like grad school. I like working hard and pushing myself. I don't like not having clean underwear, so I bought more. I do like feeling like I am doing something I never thought I could. If I can do this, I wonder what else I can do...hmm. Of course, I am still ready to be done. Still ready to go home and sleep.

I'm coming bed! Is it sick that I think Iam in love with my bed?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Tonight on the Page

So, here I am again. Its been a long, hard, good night. Long because I spent the morning/afternoon running my long awaited Housing Advisory Board Meeting for some Home Workshops I am suppose to coordinate for my internship. Then I spent the late afternoon helping someone out with a youth program halloween party...she so deserved the help she works her butt off for these kids. Then the early evening was another group meeting where we all talked about developing a program for a power point presentation....where one group member flashed her nipples at us (another post perhaps). THEN I spent the late evening trying to figure out how the hell Mental Health Parity Act of 1996 effects public programs. It doesn't because a whole shit load of reasons, but the biggest is because public programs are not protected under this Act, plain and simple.

My day has been hard because....well come on, you just read the above...I think you get it.

Good...because of things that I cannot share here tonight. Its so not appropriate for a blog...and besides there are parts of my life one should keep to herself. This juvenile in me wants to break the rule, so I will offer this...its was nice listening tonight...nice being heard...nice to slip the knot on doubt and falling through...nice to help someone loosen that knot too and crash on the floor with me....nice.

I'm tired. I have 15 minutes to get home to watch my 3 channels of cableless shit I have before the 11 0'clock news comes on.

P.S. It wasn't what you were thinking.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Where's Lassie?

I need more super hero underroos. I am up to my neck in projects, meetings, papers, power point presentations......Last night I had a 2.5 second melt down when I realized I had NO clean undies because I had actually forgotten to schedule personal care in my life. I had to take a Deeep breath telling myself its okay the world did not just fall apart. "I am not a failure because I forgot to wash my underwear". Then I did a uturn and washed some clothes before heading out into the brisk air again to study at the library.

The dirty laundry has opened a philosophical query for me. It might not get any easier then this for a while. What happens when I can't stop this rollercoaster ride to wash more underroos? Especially since I share a washer and dryer where I am lucky if its free 1 out of 3 tries. I guess I'll just have to go out and increase my surplus for now. That felt too capitalistic, buy my way out of a delema...does one really need a semester supply of unmentionables? At this point, the crisis has been averted. I am wearing a nice black and grey pair of boxers at this moment, so maybe I'll leave it as my life is really busy and I am not a failure because I forgot to wash my underwear.


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Rosa Parks

Dear Ms. Parks,

Thank you for walking this earth and sharing your path with the rest of us. Though in the world, you should never have had to take a stand on where you sit on the bus based on color, social constructions, and human cruelty, your courage inspired a nation. You remind us that a simple act can change the world, and that a humble being can influence powerful circles around her. You have now passed between the veil, your path with us done, and I am honored to place you in the circle of ancestors guiding me with their character, conviction, and herstory. I will teach the children the importance of your name, the history that surrounded you, and the importance of heros in our communities.

Thank you,

Monday, October 24, 2005

Traveling Through the Written Word

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness."
~Journal entry: Thursday, October 13, 2005~

When I get bored, I write. When I need to destress, I write. Even if it is horrible and the punctuation is bad, the grammar scribbled embarassment....and let's face it, you've seen my spelling. But I still do it. Its a comfort zone I think I'll keep doing it until they bury me with all my half torn sheets of words, dusty journals, and typed daily entries. I might even need to be cremated, all my years of words being tossed in, too many for one coffin. It would be a great bon fire that could last for days. Serious.

I write this because I completely bombed a paper for class tonight. I take solace in the fact that everyone sank this ship tonight in class as the Professor reminded us in lecture format the importance of good writing skills, of which, we did not offer up. It was so intense, the communal blaze of self-dignity and random outbursts of tears, I was very surprised that I felt okay. Given the Prof said we could rewrite them, so there...but it was more like this is what writing is all about. Trial and error. I even knew as I wrote the damn thing that I was not putting out any where near my best effort and I didn't even pretend to edit it. The fact that I can rewrite it meant, my half ass work might not count against me this time. Its true when true authors say, much of writing is failure. I guess what I am trying to say is, I understood for the first time tonight that this is all a part of the writing process and G-d damn do I love it.

Okay, so I do imagine there are people out there mensa oriented and very proud of their perfect writing who might snub me and this writing, but I really do like the flaws as well as the perfect with the written word. Its what makes me unique.

Tonight in the Art Gallery

Two of my favorites from www.jaquint.com
You can also check out the band www.vivalasalle.com


Sunday, October 23, 2005

My angel’s gone to Vegas, and she’s holding aces in her hands.


Saturday, October 22, 2005

Rub ba dub dub, I wish I had a tub

GoGo Quote of the evening:
Dove: Hey you look serious tonight, what's going on?

GoGo: I got a serious case of introspection happening.

Dove: I believe they have a pill for that.

I love my apartment. It is huge, wood floors, and has a fire place...and its cheap. Well, lets just say its a good deal. There are two flaws, one of which I will save until winter when I am sure I will let you know. The one I bring forth tonight is, I do not have a tub. Nope. I have a stand up shower only. Normally, this does not bother me. I am a showering girl, always on the go go, but then there are moment when I desire a bath. Body prostate in a nice layer of warm water, muscles relaxing, back absorbing the heat, and face getting the wonderful effects of the steam coming from the agua.

Lately, this desire has been bumping around in my head. I seriously have been contemplating renting a NICE hotel room, bringing my scrubbing bubbles to wash up the public domain all nice and right, then poring some Pachule bubble bath in and relaxing in heaven....mind you my fantasy even solicits the removal of the shower curtain so there is no chance of it touching me.

I am sure I could ask a friend to use their place, but there is something weird about bringing my bath accessories, including ducky, to score a bath.

Oh, the plight of being me...if this is the worse it gets, I guess I am doing okay.

The bathless,

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

La Fer Nakita and The Nemesis

I wanted to take a moment to send a shout out to Fer and Nemi!! I miss ya ladies. For the random viewer of this page, if there is any randomness, these two are wonderful souls who use humor in daily doings. I never went a day in their presence without a good ole belly laugh, complete with idle snorts and possible gasey passings.

May the music area get easier, My Fabulous Fer. I miss you and wish I could drive today to come see you. I promise to find my way down as soon as I can, but until then you are in my thoughts and my words...I will be posting embaressing stories soon enough, ladies! Hey, send me pictures, luvs.

Coming stories:
How a Finger in a Noise Equals Love
Fer's Fabulous Fart Making Technique
Steven King's Got Nothing on Nemi!

With my Love,

Sunday, October 16, 2005

A Letter of appreciation

Its late. I am at the horizon of another day and another overnight shift completed. Maybe its because exhaustion has melted my walls tonight; maybe its because I just watched the almost full moon walk her path illuminating my mind’s eye; or maybe just because I want to write you all a letter of appreciation tonight that these words are here for your review.

I am so fortunate that so many people have shared their path with me. Its seems that right now everyone is in the process of change and molding themselves towards visions they have. Two of you are trying to raise a child in a different HEALTHY way, absent of commercialization of the mind while simultaneously trying to go to that new home you have selected as a family. Two of you are trying to build your new home into something intertwined of two individuals who have chosen to share a path. Two of you, new friends, are trying to find your rhythms to the beating heart of New York, while someone is trying to build a dream practice from her own beautiful rhythms in life. While yet another of you attempts to create a web based dream that will sustain you both emotionally and financially, and another is completing nursing school to feed your soul and your family, and still yet two others are trying to build a home and job in the valley of a mountain scape. Then there is another who has begun a new teaching job, one not so easy and yet so important while she teaches herself what it means to be on her own path. How inspiring each of you are for me, while I attempt to continue my path through grad school and somewhere closer to me.

Some of you know each other, and some do not, but I am grateful that I get a chance to know each and everyone of you. I feel special in this, and very lucky that I get it too. It might be silly, but I so much am inspired by you. This is a time when change is the primary catalysts in so many peoples lives. How we go about doing it effects/affects the road ahead. As I attempt to find my road on this journey, I recognize that I learn and absorb the energy from those around me in all that I do...and that my grad experience - hard, very exhausting, and yet fun - is so much easier seeing those who stepped here before me and with me all at the same time.

Thank you for sharing your path. I am so grateful I have such a strong tribe.

Now I have to stop procrastinating and read my assignments!

With respect,

Monday, October 10, 2005

Belly of the wind

The air finally succumbs to a fall chill. As days blend into one another, the passage between seasons blurs then summer begins to yield her fight to autumn and with this so has her undying warmth in the breeze. That undercurrent of cold is here to stay for a while. Even though I feel like crud that grows on crud when it’s been around too long today, I can’t help but appreciate this fall chill – mind you from a safe distance behind a window in a warm room. I want to take this moment and absorb this season. In summer, the air has a tinge of heat in it. Even when the breeze blows cool, its undercurrent is still warmed air – cool is not cold. In winter, the air blows cold, and any warmth comes from the sun beating down or the body’s combustion. It’s as though the air cannot absorb the heat around it and cold wins the day, every day. But fall is a dance between the two, and as she progresses something changes in that belly of wind. Her fires burning hot, turns to warm, then extinguishes into winter. Today, I can feel that fight turn cold and though there is still a hint of warmth in the air, it’s a minor countermelody to the cold brewing around me. I love it. Plain and simple. I love it.


Sunday, October 02, 2005

Congrads, S

I want to take a moment to congradulate S, AKA the Writer, for getting a job in New York City. Your the only person I know who can set a 3 month deadline to find a job and get one in 2!


Saturday, October 01, 2005

GoGo de rojo

Observation of the day:

I watched three little children play today. They laughed and played and made up games. They jumped and ran, even fell on the ground a few times. Then I watched three adults have a conversation this evening. They complained and talked about how other's value systems were f%^& up, unlike their own. They wondered why the world could not be more like them. They did not laugh or play or run or jump...nor fell to the ground 'cause it was fun. Someone even decided that anyone who wears red must be an idiot though admitted two years ago she loved red...not only do I like red, but I wonder what it means that though her appetite for color has changed, she judges other's for not changing to her whim...I wanted to run up to those grown ups and say tag your it - with a red bandana on.