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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The Only Thing That Can Look Good Over 150 lbs is Personality

Disclaimer: This post is full of self-righteous anger and bold convictions. It might offend, trigger, and pretty much make you think.

I've spent a good portion of this late evening twirling this post in my head. What do I want to put out into the world and why? The word FAT is in my head, then beauty and body image trailing close behind. I had a conversation with someone that is still stuck in my mind and somehow I want to release it here. HERE because I think what I said and still have to say might very well reach someone else who needs to get this!

I am many things - a woman, lesbian, 29, working class (‘cause I own it), college educated into middle class, grad student, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, grandchild....and the list goes on...
I am also many terms that feel most uncomfortable, even in the anonymity of GoGo on a Page. Maybe here, to even mention them would loose some of what I am to them, but tonight I am going to say them anyway ‘cause you need to hear them!

I am a big girl, robust, voluptuous, round, plump...and most definably FAT. I write these words in caps because that is how we say them in this society and that is how it is heard. Large capitol letters as big as that word entails for those who speak it. As big as those words are intended to be when we say them about others. Even in our whispers, we can’t help to curl our enunciation into large exclamation, holding a little too long onto each letter...fffFFFFAAATT.

I got confronted on two fronts with this word. First, beauty...guess what ladies...just cause I’m FAT does not mean the only thing that can be beautiful about me is my personality. Second, body image...I’m not gonna wait till I have figured out how to be thin to increase my body image. My image IS NOT contingent on whether I "fit the part".

I just got tired today of having the same old conversation we women have learned to carry around under our layer of skin for centuries now. Tired of the same old conversation that we women teach each other and WE women instill in ourselves. And yes, it is hard to believe your something if society deems you as NOT, but thank the blessed goddess that I am too arrogant tonight to give a flying Penguin what society deems anything, nor anybody who is in my life for that matter.

I’ll be the first to admit that I want to be healthier: I run, work out, and have spent the last few years relearning my eating habits. I’ll be the first to admit that I have lost the chance at relationships with women I like because of MY body and image and it hurt like hell too. I know these things will still get in the way sometimes. I’ll even be the first to admit that how I got here was years of just not liking myself, but tonight I have no intention of internalizing this bullshit that the only thing that can look good over 150lbs is personality. I feel like its kept me passive, always waiting till I know for sure the other girl likes me first before saying how I feel. Not letting myself completely look in a mirror because its vain to like yourself AND BE FAT. Not trusting someone’s love because it can’t be true ‘cause I’m FAT.

I’ve internalized many things in my life, but I’m not eating anymore of this bullshit, and I'm gonna call you out when you try and feed it to me.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. I felt beautiful reading this.

9:16 PM, January 19, 2006  
Anonymous beansprout said...

Hey GoGo!

Thanks for visiting my blog and pointing me in the direction of this post. I'm with you, lady! Weight has nothing to do with beauty. be well.

8:10 AM, February 25, 2006  

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