Disclaimer: This is my cynical side tonight.
I have a confession.
It started mid-January after classes restarted.
Instead of holding off and finding the time to just feel through it all, I took the easy way out. Instead of just finding some corner to hide in and breath – I had a cigarette. It felt so good, breathing in, hold, then out.
I smoke "occasionally" now. Bum from classmates. Ration this pack I found in my freezer...I never put cigarettes in the freezer! Never! I know I’m doing it. I’m conscious of it, having the dialogue between me, myself, and I...I’m still fighting with myself as to what is the necessity in all this crap. I managed to "experiment" in college without residuals. Hell, alcohol is something I prefer to cook with than drink, and it took me this many years to be okay to drink beer. On a bad day, alcohol or insert illicit drug here never crosses my mind. Just not a good way to deal. But smoking...f%^k.
Its not working this time around. I mean smoking.
I don’t know why I am putting it out here. Sure I can write about being alone, ego bruises, underwear and poop – stuff like that. To me that’s something everyone has to deal with...well maybe not deal, but it is a human theme. I don’t think that feeling alone is a stigma or bad. It’s a natural bi-product of society. What’s unhealthy is when we don’t deal with it or use others to avoid it. Sharing just makes sense...smoking however is a vice...Something I’m not proud of. Its...and I so hate this word, an addiction
. It’s social remedy is nicotine gum that burns your throat and probably causes mouth cancer OR the cousin pill to prozac - whatever the mood altering drug is – either way I know more people who substitute gum for cigarettes and never quit. Oh, lets not forget about going "cold turkey". Side note, I got to ask jeeves where that "lingo" came from.
Lately, I’ve been running into imploded packs of parliments. Every time I go to the coffee shop I come across this crushed pack in the cigarette bucket outside. I know its probably the same pack that’s been there all winter. I know it was randomly thrown away by some innocuous person. Its not about me, but I imagine that d$#n empty pack of parliments keeps talking to me as if the universe itself put it there, solely to remind me of what I am doing. (Um, metaphor people...I don’t hear voices and I don’t see dead people).
I find myself having conversations in my head with the pack as I go in. Like this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Parli: Still smoking aren’t you?GoGo: I’m only smoking occasionally.
Parli: So your still smoking.
GoGo: F$%k you, you’re a pack a cigarettes, you don’t get to be a projection of my guilt!
Parli: Yeah, how you feeling when you smoke me?GoGo: Your mother wears purple underwear.
Parli: Hey now. I’m just a used up pack of smokes...no need to get defensive just ‘cause your smoking again!
GoGo: Yes, I’m smoking. I’m smoking and not telling anyone and living a life of utter and complete denial. You happy!
Parli: Are you?