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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Imploded Pack of Parliments

Disclaimer: This is my cynical side tonight.

I have a confession.

It started mid-January after classes restarted.

Instead of holding off and finding the time to just feel through it all, I took the easy way out. Instead of just finding some corner to hide in and breath – I had a cigarette. It felt so good, breathing in, hold, then out.

I smoke "occasionally" now. Bum from classmates. Ration this pack I found in my freezer...I never put cigarettes in the freezer! Never! I know I’m doing it. I’m conscious of it, having the dialogue between me, myself, and I...I’m still fighting with myself as to what is the necessity in all this crap. I managed to "experiment" in college without residuals. Hell, alcohol is something I prefer to cook with than drink, and it took me this many years to be okay to drink beer. On a bad day, alcohol or insert illicit drug here never crosses my mind. Just not a good way to deal. But smoking...f%^k.

Its not working this time around. I mean smoking.

I don’t know why I am putting it out here. Sure I can write about being alone, ego bruises, underwear and poop – stuff like that. To me that’s something everyone has to deal with...well maybe not deal, but it is a human theme. I don’t think that feeling alone is a stigma or bad. It’s a natural bi-product of society. What’s unhealthy is when we don’t deal with it or use others to avoid it. Sharing just makes sense...smoking however is a vice...Something I’m not proud of. Its...and I so hate this word, an addiction. It’s social remedy is nicotine gum that burns your throat and probably causes mouth cancer OR the cousin pill to prozac - whatever the mood altering drug is – either way I know more people who substitute gum for cigarettes and never quit. Oh, lets not forget about going "cold turkey". Side note, I got to ask jeeves where that "lingo" came from.

Lately, I’ve been running into imploded packs of parliments. Every time I go to the coffee shop I come across this crushed pack in the cigarette bucket outside. I know its probably the same pack that’s been there all winter. I know it was randomly thrown away by some innocuous person. Its not about me, but I imagine that d$#n empty pack of parliments keeps talking to me as if the universe itself put it there, solely to remind me of what I am doing. (Um, metaphor people...I don’t hear voices and I don’t see dead people).

I find myself having conversations in my head with the pack as I go in. Like this:
Parli: Still smoking aren’t you?
GoGo: I’m only smoking occasionally.
Parli: So your still smoking.
GoGo: F$%k you, you’re a pack a cigarettes, you don’t get to be a projection of my guilt!
Parli: Yeah, how you feeling when you smoke me?
GoGo: Your mother wears purple underwear.
Parli: Hey now. I’m just a used up pack of need to get defensive just ‘cause your smoking again!
GoGo: Yes, I’m smoking. I’m smoking and not telling anyone and living a life of utter and complete denial. You happy!
Parli: Are you?


Blogger JourneyThroughLIfe said...

It can be so healing to put it all out there. It releases the thoughts from within you and sends them out into the big wide world. And they are gone from you. And you can guarantee that there a many many people out there who can relate to every word you write. So, you are also helping others to work through their stuff as well. Good for you!

9:24 PM, February 25, 2006  
Blogger telfair said...

Smoking is a vile temptress...I was a "social smoker" in college and occasionally I still hear a siren song.

Thankfully, I never got hooked.

My grandma quit cold turkey when she was 94 with no side effects which gobsmacked us all. My dad always said, "The cigarette companies would LOVE to get a hold of her!"

4:09 PM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger snowsparkle said...

whoa! love this rambling story! love that you personify the pack of parliments. love that you're so real you shame other people's pretenses of reality. just gotta say whoa again evn though it sounds stoopid! WHOA! love your writing!

3:13 AM, February 28, 2006  
Blogger GoGo said...

Wow! What a wonderful compliment. I hope to live up to it in the future.

1:09 PM, March 01, 2006  
Blogger Remiman said...

Well done girl! you've put into words the conversations so many smokers have with themselves. My epiphany came when my 17 y.o. son said "dad you can always do whatever you attempt! Why are you still smoking?"

7:48 PM, February 04, 2007  

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