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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Time Tells a Tale That the Here & Now Never Could

I’m standing at a threshold of changes that need to be made – trying to change these old spots of mine. I wish I could explain these freckles I want out of my life, out of my thoughts, out into the darken scene where they are no longer seen. I wish I had a language deeper than metaphor or philosophical mental masturbation to offer. All I know is, I’m stuck with old fears and habits that just aren’t working anymore, but coming to terms with them is like holding a spider that if held long enough WILL bite you.

When I was a kid it was so much easier to face a fear. For example, once upon a childhood’s past I was afraid of the dark. I was terrified that the darkened shadows compounded in dark rooms held creepy monsters and Boogi-whatevers that were going to kill me. I had to have a nightlight. When that wasn’t enough, seeing that nightlights let in more dark than light, I had to have the bathroom light on. Well after a while that bathroom light was so bright shining into my room, I was no longer waking up every hour to see what was lurking in the corner, but because the beam of light was penetrating my eyelids like those blue colored headlights cars have now.

So, I faced the fear. One night I just decided to turn it off. I spent the entire night rationalizing every darkened misunderstanding between the child’s eye and reality. I was terrified, complete with no voice to scream and a pressured bladder that just wanted to pee already. By the end, nothing hurt me and every corner was what it was – a corner. Today I can walk in my blackened house without a sneeze of fear.

But now, the adult me can’t seem to clear the misunderstandings between the formed mind and reality. I’m stuck just like the child knowing these old fears are getting in my eyes blinding me into distraction, except rationalizing isn’t working anymore either. The funny part about this ego crisis is when I dream the fear comes out in the form of old fears. I’ve dreamt I am afraid of the dark and someone is in the room who is going to hurt me…I am so terrified I wake up jumping out of bed. Or I dream the walls are crawling with spiders falling on me and again I wake up shaking the covers. The instance I am awake, I am completely fine. The act of waking dissipates the fear, and like the childhood nature in me to protect the sacredness of sleep I instantly go back to sleep so as not to miss a minute of it.

But here I am still wondering what I can do to change these old spots of mine. How do I change the habits formed out of fear and the fear that needs to be released so I can let go of the habit? Um yeah. (Say that ten times fast). Then again, the only answer I can give myself is its going to take longer than a night for these corners to clear up.

Time will tell a tale that the here and now never could. Let’s hope the spider’s not poisonous.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Virginia Valle said...

Now you are superwoman!!!! you grow up !!!
You can beat the fears
You must to write a book ;)
Thanks again :)

6:23 PM, February 16, 2006  
Blogger daringtowrite said...

"The act of waking dissipates the fear..." Awakening. That's what we're meant to do, isn't it?

4:16 AM, May 29, 2010  

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