Focus, Damn It
The part of my head not in Grad School is distracting me. Not a part in Grad School? Can that happen? Yes. It’s the part that wants to be anywhere else than with my head in a book. Wants to do anything else than fill up my week with study groups, internships, and work. Oh my!
This semester seems just a little harder than the last one, though the material much more comfortable. I feel restless with it all, like I’ve done this before OR ironically it’s not enough anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean “not enough” please fill my plate with more studying, internships and work (oh my!). No. Most definitely not…what I mean by “not enough” is there is this pang in my chest…a chord that gets strummed when I wake up and sleeps next to me in my bed. It’s a hum of distraction that keeps me looking around my space for something missing or forgotten…I don’t know. I’m happy. Even when I am not happy, I still feel this sense of contentment that works for me, and yet even with those words written, here I am contradicting myself.
I suppose this feeling has been there for some time. In the past, I had the opportunity to fill it with something...like travel, going to the beach, smoking…or any act of getting lost somewhere else. Whatever I did, it was louder than the pluck of this chord playing like a tuning fork these days. I don’t know what I need to fill it? Me? I’m so sick of catering to my self-actualization all the time…I’m starting to fill like the partner who can’t stand to go to one more meditation retreat or one more self-help book. Besides even meditation, exercise, three balance meals, a working spirituality, comfortable nurturing home, art projects, Grad School, (on and on) of things I am doing isn’t muting this damn hum in me. I really do enjoy everything I have in my life right now…even if the studying, internship, work (oh my!) is hard. Yet, still hear I am searching for something more. Its like my internal stereo is skipping and I just want to get past the note playing over and over. Its like a white noise I never knew was there until I cleared everything else away.
Bloody hell. I thought writing about it here would somehow bring clarity or purge this “feeling”. But the more I try to describe it, hold it, the more I don’t know what it is…or maybe I do, and I just can’t answer its need. I just need to focus more.
This semester seems just a little harder than the last one, though the material much more comfortable. I feel restless with it all, like I’ve done this before OR ironically it’s not enough anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean “not enough” please fill my plate with more studying, internships and work (oh my!). No. Most definitely not…what I mean by “not enough” is there is this pang in my chest…a chord that gets strummed when I wake up and sleeps next to me in my bed. It’s a hum of distraction that keeps me looking around my space for something missing or forgotten…I don’t know. I’m happy. Even when I am not happy, I still feel this sense of contentment that works for me, and yet even with those words written, here I am contradicting myself.
I suppose this feeling has been there for some time. In the past, I had the opportunity to fill it with something...like travel, going to the beach, smoking…or any act of getting lost somewhere else. Whatever I did, it was louder than the pluck of this chord playing like a tuning fork these days. I don’t know what I need to fill it? Me? I’m so sick of catering to my self-actualization all the time…I’m starting to fill like the partner who can’t stand to go to one more meditation retreat or one more self-help book. Besides even meditation, exercise, three balance meals, a working spirituality, comfortable nurturing home, art projects, Grad School, (on and on) of things I am doing isn’t muting this damn hum in me. I really do enjoy everything I have in my life right now…even if the studying, internship, work (oh my!) is hard. Yet, still hear I am searching for something more. Its like my internal stereo is skipping and I just want to get past the note playing over and over. Its like a white noise I never knew was there until I cleared everything else away.
Bloody hell. I thought writing about it here would somehow bring clarity or purge this “feeling”. But the more I try to describe it, hold it, the more I don’t know what it is…or maybe I do, and I just can’t answer its need. I just need to focus more.
posted by GoGo | 12:30 AM
2 Comments:
I can completely, completely relate to this post.Having been through grad school a few years ago, it takes over your life and its hard to imagine life post-grad school when you're in the thick of it.
I don't know of course what the hum is, but maybe for now you don't need to focus more or do anything with the feelings but just be with them until they take a shape you can recognize. And if you can carve in some breaks for yourself thats always a good idea too, to get away from absolutely everything, even if its to a movie or a night away somewhere. Anything that lifts you up and out sometimes is more productive than trudging through. Good luck-!!!
I know what it is! You told me once that when everything is going fine, we have a tendency to make problems for ourselves. human nature sometging. Your distracting you from living.
am i right?
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