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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Residuals From Doing Shrooms In College

I came home to my apartment this morning and immediately put on some pajama pants. I love to be in my kitchen first thing in the morning, the light drips in from the living room just right, a bent beam all over my stove. Not tired, I drank tea leaning against my counter just watching that beam move up the stove onto the wall and for the first time recognized this was my home. This was me spending time in my home.

I’ve been so stressed lately from the isolation of work, school and internship (oh my!). Worried that I don’t make friends quick enough or with charmed impressions that there must be something wrong with me. Living alone and not being in a relationship compounds this fear right now because without the comfort of someone else, living alone means your alone. Doing Grad School and living alone. Whew! This is one of those fears I’ve let sit in the corner, darkened by perception. I’ve done so much to try and prove it wrong, try and change it. But lately, I’ve just needed to drop it. Let it go...knowing if I give it enough time it will appear as it really is. Well not necessarily knowing...more like acting as if I know and hoping that acting isn’t just the bull in the shit I am feeding myself. I just let it sit in the corner while I drank my tea.

And wouldn't u know, there it was - me, my fear, and that beam of light sharing a moment in my home.

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9 Comments:

Anonymous beansprout said...

Thanks for happening by my blog so I could find yours. I definitely understand the feeling of isolation and being alone. I am a writer and not in a relationship. Somedays I wonder if it's just not meant to be. Others...I think if it is meant to be mine it will come to me. Hmmmm...

9:39 AM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger Virginia Valle said...

Thank you Gogo. I hope you will find ok, sometimes the strees is awful!!
Try to enjoy the weekends ;)

12:29 PM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger Alexandra G said...

I have definitely been there and send you a huge cyber hug. I think it was interesting what you wrote about acting. I think it is important to give yourself a wide pasture to feel whatever it is you are feeling, AND sometimes-if one wants- I think we can pretend our way into what we want or into a feeling. For example, I never cease to be amazed how I can be feeling so blue about something and then a phone call from a friend or putting on music that cheers me up or going for a walk lifts me up and out. Whereever you are, know that you may be living alone at the moment but I wish for you today to treat yourself like your own best friend and to give yourself whatever your heart desires and needs at the moment. Heres a 2nd hug to close!

4:10 PM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger telfair said...

Hi -- thanks for visiting my blog...I'm glad you did, because I've really enjoyed yours. I definitely know where you're coming from -- I felt the same way, not so long ago.
Now, I'm sort of glad I went through that, as hard as it was, because it taught me a self-sufficiency that I don't think I would have had, otherwise. Which I think is a valuable thing.
Good luck and hope you feel better - I'll visit again!

4:58 PM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger GoGo said...

Thanks for the kind words. Words for me are like incantations of change. Just writing helps to transform things, although a slow process.

7:04 PM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger tara dawn said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog. I am so pleased you found me, in turn leading me to walk along in your journey as well.
The way you piece words together, creating vivid images of you and the kitchen and the mesmerizing beam of light...I absolutely love it.
I will be back soon, and look forward to reading more.
xoxo
-TD

7:27 PM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger Wenda said...

GoGo, I stopped in to treat myself to a feast of your writing tonight and could have commented on many of the posts that moved me, but this seems like as good a place as any. I like the way you bend words like a singer bends her voice to the soul of what must be sung.

1:10 AM, February 21, 2006  
Blogger daringtowrite said...

Revisiting fear and aloneness. Interesting how we keep coming back around the same bends in our life even if at some different level. Ah, the spiral of it all. And also interesting to me, to see how long you and I have been sharing words with each other. Yay us!

4:21 AM, May 29, 2010  
Blogger GoGo said...

I am very glad we're sharing a path you and I, Wenda. We seem to be same souls trying to figure out our own souls.

Everything should be revisited, when time permits insight. It helps to stretch our spectrum of emotions, insights, and dare I say, growth. Besides, there are folks out there who could use some faith, that practice of insight pays off, including myself sometimes.

~GoGo

8:42 AM, June 03, 2010  

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