Sunday Scribblings: Astrology

I don’t know if astrology is legit. I mean, we just discovered a new dwarf planet, Eris, in our solar system. Doesn’t this mean the signs are off a little bit? Will people suddenly be born under the sign of Eris, and what will there traits be like?

With that said, I am under the sign of Cancer. Yes, I am a cancerian. In fact, my birthday is less than 15 days away….woot! Most of the traits of a cancer do not reflect my personality. I’m not all about your needs only. I don’t go around trying to complete others with my nurturing warmth. Don’t get me wrong, I care about folks, and my friends are the most important, but there is something about the care giver role of the Cancer that doesn’t jive with me. Yes, I said jive. My motto is, I don’t want save the world, but I will help it save itself.

What does fit is I am a person who needs to carry my home on my back. Where ever I live, my home needs to feel safe, secure, and a nurturing space. For myself and anyone who enters. I also am a freak for details for this move to London. I have spent months now trying to decide what needs to come with me because even on the road, when my home becomes the bags I carry with me, I need to know security, safety, and nurture are what’s inside those bags.

This has been beneficial. Moving across the sea has forced me into a predicament where I am downsizing what I need to feel these things. I find I can live without a lot of things…for now.

So what’s in my bag?

Nothing spectacular really. Clothes, necessities, and shoes. There is also the journal, the cameras, the pens, and chap stick. Don’t ask. What is not in my bag is worry, regret, fear, and apparently liquids over 3 ounces.

As for the astrology in it all. I like this notion of carrying my home, and creating a home that will carry me. As for the rest, I may or may not reflect the sign, but then again I can just blame it on the fact that they forgot to factor in Eris.

another letter to my grandchildren

Dear Grandchildren,

I seem to be running from morning to night these days, getting many things done while wading through many more things still undone. I am learning. That is a theme strong and thick in my veins today. Some core part of me is learning to come out and not be afraid. That sounds ambiguous doesn’t it? Hmm.

I wish I had time to chronicle my last summer in this town. I have lived here for 6 years now. Wow! The edges to this place have blended into softened corners. I have met and learned from so many, seen many more things. Alas, time keeps me present in my days and by the end of them, I am ready to continue some other project rather then putting fingers to the keypad. I wrote you last year, trying to decide if I was moving onward from this town; I wanted to now follow up and find some insightful words to share as I transition onward toward London. It’s happening! I am moving. I guess. Little by little I am collecting myself and saying goodbye to all I have known of this town. Little by little I am preparing for my new journey, excited to step into this new unknown that I am sure will greet me with grace, as I become the familiar amongst the unfamiliar. I do wonder what that will look like. How does it feel to be the familiar among so much unfamiliar?

Damn, I write like a mystic.

I am also full of fear that I comfort on a continuous basis! No fear think! I’ll never leave if I let it get to me. If I allow myself to go down roads that fear opens, I will be lost. With that said, it’s hard not to think about being isolated in London and not knowing anyone. It’s hard not to wonder if I am just deciding to live a pauper’s life in the end after all. It’s hard not to wonder if my family will ever forgive me for going, and without them what does that make me? But, these wonderings are just misdirected wanderings I have no intention of treading.

I feel an enormous amount of comfort in writing letters to the future. It brings mindfulness to this spastic soul. I have no clue if “my grandchildren” will ever be, but I do know whether I have my own children or not, there will be grandchildren, and I’d like to think these words somehow will find their way to some future result that benefits.

With that, “grandchildren”, know your Nana is pushing forward, letting go of some very old fears, and finding my way towards you.

With Love,

Nana GoGo.

"I haven't done diddly for graduation"

It’s snowing outside. It’s been snowing for weeks. I don’t know why. Global warming, fluke weather. All I know is, it’s snowing. I’m done with snow.

Suddenly everything feels manageable after feeling quite full of graduate school the last few months. I am down to 3 papers and a presentation, and my last 3 weeks. They’re big papers, but I’ve gotten all the nasty research out of the way and written my outlines. Very excited to almost be done. I do have a summer class. Well one class and two seminars, but this is nothing in comparison to I've completed.

I am so excited to be walking in May, I can’t even contain myself. I love the conversations floating around the classroom right now. Everyone’s trying to see who is going to the graduation ceremonies and bargaining to get folks to go. Apparently, I am not the only person who hasn’t bought the gown or as my friend next to me just said, “I haven’t done diddly for graduation.”

I have to remind myself that I am not going to see many good friends after this semester, and more after I leave for London. I think the hardest part about transitions is loosing the connection with folks I have built over time. I know some stay and change with life’s changes, some fade away, and some are found again in some distant time not yet here. In the moment though, it is this kind of loss that is the hardest to feel. And yet, I am very excited to make new connections, explore life as it unfolds in this new unknown. Very excited to unpack my bag of all these text books hanging heavy on my shoulder...Very excited.

Jumping into life can be hard. Jumping into graduate school wasn’t always easy. I did it and came out better for it. Now, I move toward jumping into something even harder – moving to another country. I remind myself I want to be a person who faces life. It’s not the end result, but the striving that I want to be present with. I don’t mind if I complain, just as long as I am present. I am leaving at the beginning of September. I need this time to make the money to go (‘cause I have big dreams but a shallow pocket). I also need my final class out of the way and transcripts to enter the country as a Social Worker. This is my journey to come and as I wind down grad school, I suddenly feel ready to focus. I so cannot wait to check out the local music seen in London, finding a writing class and perhaps a photograhy class over there, besides the traveling.

Ah, another ramble. I start with snow and end with London. Everything in between is me.

~GoGo

something happened on the way to Durham

A quiet peace hangs in the night air. Warmth permeates the body and for the first time since winter began, my body relaxes, muscles loosening around the shoulders, and I walk without that primordial instinct to brace against the cold. I am in North Carolina, Durham, with friends. The days have been sunny, the nights filled with the liquor residue of warmer days. I needed this.

Something happened on the way to Durham. I can’t deny that I expected this. Traveling has always been an impetus for self-awareness. Somehow movement turns my own pages and I find my chapters change while I am on the road. Now, let me back pedal and say that this awareness wasn’t some big epiphany or life altering insight. I still have homework due by Monday when I get back to school, still have my job to go back to, still have rent and bills to pay…still moving to London. Rather, I got to come to a place where I am riding comfortably in my life. It was as simple as in one moment I had the thought “This is my life” and it made me smile.

This thought keeps happening over and over again, and each time that feeling of comfort greets me. Even on my bad days when life feels like coffee spilled on the croutch while driving, my smile and self-assurance greets me. I am grateful for life as an experience. Driving down, I realized this isn't an insight that will go away or get lost in living...its a part of me and my journey.

This week I have explored the triangle, laughed with friends, walked nature trails, and found thrift stores. I have also confirmed the move to London, getting the next phase of documents to fill out and sign. As long as I can continue to raise the money I need to survive over there, I am on my way. Its kind of official…of course I don’t know if it will feel real until I am actually walking the streets of London. I am glad the next phase in my journey greeted me while in Durham.

Now, excuse me while I go back to my vacation.

~gg

drama and porn

seven posts in February. will people stop reading? have I lost my mojo for this page?

no, just busy....finished the CV for London. Well, until I do something else to be added. Watched Season 3 of the L-Word - hey I'm a single lesbian over my head in an MSW program with no time to date, at least that is what the last gyrl told me...I need lesbian drama and porn. Finished 2 papers and turned them in, prepared a presentation for upcoming events, and bought new socks. That's just a taste of my week. I do plan to go to the beach on Sunday after my quaker meeting. I need nature and the sunset over the Great Lake. That or a dinner and a movie with some friends.

Blah. Bad post, sorry.

London

The process begins. Well continues, but here I am starting a new phase. I just got information from the program I am going through to find a job when I move to London. I need to re due my resume and now call it a CV for them, so they can access whether or not they can find me job interviews. I have begun a little of this task, but know I won’t finish it until after I get back from Festival. I’m excited. Don’t get me wrong, all the work this is going to entail is gonna kick my butt! Please be assured that I am going to be writing often about how tired I am when school roles around while I am working through the red tape. I might even cry a little bit. But, in the end, I hope to be going to London!

Woo Hoo. Hoo. Hoo....cough. Now, if everyone reading this could cross their fingers until I arrive in the UK, that would be great. Smiles.

I wanted to take a moment and write down a quote that Paris Parfait passed my way when I was contemplating the decision to move to London this last Winter. I also wanted to pass along a BIG THANK YOU to her for her support and encouragement and I am sure so much more. Without further ado, here is a quote who may help other folks who are thinking of taking a step toward something new and exciting…

Be bold and mighty forces come to your aid. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy; the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

"Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elemental truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would come his way."
- E. H. Murray
Scottish explorer
Himalayan expedition

On Top of The Pillar, I Will Come Full Circle

"Be bold and mighty forces come to your aid. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy; the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
"Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elemental truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would come his way."
- E. H. Murray ~Scottish explorer~ Himalayan expedition~

So, its time to start writing about a plan of mine. A commitment in words, I guess I would say. This quote came to me from Paris Parfait as we exchanged words about moving to another country. These words were given to me as encouragement to take the leap. Though this is scary for me, so much so even writing about it on this little blog brings trepidation and doubt as to whether or not I can commit, but here I go with the words – it is my intention to find a job and move to London for a year when I graduate from school. Yep. To make it happen, I need to start now, delving into the logistical planning of the deed. I’ve already started to talk to a friend who is moving over at the end of summer about her experiences in the job search. I’ve even made a commitment to start the Pass Port process in June. I am absolutely scared. There are too many reasons to label them here, but trust me, my little heart beats quick with the thought of attempting this – for now.

I’m traveling this week to DC and Rochester, NY to sell merchandise for an old job of mine - the music company. Its pretty much a comped tripped with a rental car to enjoy the open road. I agreed to sell at these shows, so I could experience being in Cities by myself for a moment. How does it feel to be in an unknown place? Okay, I’ve been to DC a number of times, but not to Rochester. I also enjoy road trips. There is something about the world around me moving past that helps me to feel still with my thoughts. I need this right now, to be able to sit with my thoughts about actually moving to another country. ( Yes, I'm still going with the busted up shoulder).

The interesting part of my little story so far, as I continue to commit to this idea is tonight I went over to a friends house to pick up a Road Trip compilation. Its been our tradition that when I travel, she makes me a CD for the road. While I was at her house, we talked about her moving to Detroit which spurred me to talk about moving to London. She then pops out photos of her study abroad days there. It helped to bring the picture further into view for myself, and I got to hear great stories about her experiences. There was this one photo where she was standing on a specific pillar on top of a mountain outside of Edenborough (SP?), Scotland. I told her when I move, I would go there and take a photo of myself on the same pillar to send to her. She loved the idea and so did I. I guess, Paris Parfait is right, once you commit to something, things just start to happen that let you know its right.

And still at the end of these words, my heart races.