Rogers & Me: Midwest Meets New York

Lifted my head from the books, looked around and saw that I am knee deep in Freud, Erickson, Skinner, and let’s not forget Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Suddenly, I see the impetus for all this self-reflection hanging on the words etching my days. I am beginning to believe that I am projecting what I am learning in grad school onto my own life. Ya think! Um, I think I can live with the idea of using my education to do my own work before assisting others with theirs. Seems appropriate. Seems as it should be…

Of course, its time for a break – its time to take off these muddy slickers and feel a little lighter for a moment. I’m going to New York City later this week to see some old friends. Perfect timing! I’m going to unplug, unwind, and most certainly have a good time.

I feel all over the map of my life – trying to change old spots, learn for the sake of education, while trying to put fun into the pocket of free time I make for myself. Disengaging from old habits where I try to make this self I want seen instead of just seeing what is there. Carl Rogers would be so proud of me…this grad student is self-actualizing…or at least actually ingesting what I’m reading.

Back to New York. Lady M and S, who need better nicknames, are two friends from undergrad. Two very distinct people I’ve picked up along the way and carry with me. I’ve never been to New York and I have the best tour guides for the trip. I’m trying not to plan too many things, preferring to honor the fact that I’m living on the fumes of life and I need to just be in the moment. I DO intend on seeing the Museum of Modern Art, see some local musicians, and take photos all around the city, but the other projects are left for the whim of the day and the whims of my host. I can’t wait to turn off my brain, turn off all this introspective tinkering and just live outside the self for minute.

Imploded Pack of Parliments

Disclaimer: This is my cynical side tonight.

I have a confession.

It started mid-January after classes restarted.

Instead of holding off and finding the time to just feel through it all, I took the easy way out. Instead of just finding some corner to hide in and breath – I had a cigarette. It felt so good, breathing in, hold, then out.

I smoke "occasionally" now. Bum from classmates. Ration this pack I found in my freezer...I never put cigarettes in the freezer! Never! I know I’m doing it. I’m conscious of it, having the dialogue between me, myself, and I...I’m still fighting with myself as to what is the necessity in all this crap. I managed to "experiment" in college without residuals. Hell, alcohol is something I prefer to cook with than drink, and it took me this many years to be okay to drink beer. On a bad day, alcohol or insert illicit drug here never crosses my mind. Just not a good way to deal. But smoking...f%^k.

Its not working this time around. I mean smoking.

I don’t know why I am putting it out here. Sure I can write about being alone, ego bruises, underwear and poop – stuff like that. To me that’s something everyone has to deal with...well maybe not deal, but it is a human theme. I don’t think that feeling alone is a stigma or bad. It’s a natural bi-product of society. What’s unhealthy is when we don’t deal with it or use others to avoid it. Sharing just makes sense...smoking however is a vice...Something I’m not proud of. Its...and I so hate this word, an addiction. It’s social remedy is nicotine gum that burns your throat and probably causes mouth cancer OR the cousin pill to prozac - whatever the mood altering drug is – either way I know more people who substitute gum for cigarettes and never quit. Oh, lets not forget about going "cold turkey". Side note, I got to ask jeeves where that "lingo" came from.

Lately, I’ve been running into imploded packs of parliments. Every time I go to the coffee shop I come across this crushed pack in the cigarette bucket outside. I know its probably the same pack that’s been there all winter. I know it was randomly thrown away by some innocuous person. Its not about me, but I imagine that d$#n empty pack of parliments keeps talking to me as if the universe itself put it there, solely to remind me of what I am doing. (Um, metaphor people...I don’t hear voices and I don’t see dead people).

I find myself having conversations in my head with the pack as I go in. Like this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parli: Still smoking aren’t you?
GoGo: I’m only smoking occasionally.
Parli: So your still smoking.
GoGo: F$%k you, you’re a pack a cigarettes, you don’t get to be a projection of my guilt!
Parli: Yeah, how you feeling when you smoke me?
GoGo: Your mother wears purple underwear.
Parli: Hey now. I’m just a used up pack of smokes...no need to get defensive just ‘cause your smoking again!
GoGo: Yes, I’m smoking. I’m smoking and not telling anyone and living a life of utter and complete denial. You happy!
Parli: Are you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Halfway Up My Sleeve

Spending time winding down, playing this laptop like a keyboard on a piano, I want to make myself some music to listen to in my head. This was a nice day, a good day beginning with me scratching my bum and drinking OJ from the carton. Plopped myself down in my favorite chair and read some theory before getting dressed and heading out to work at my internship – was stopped with my arm halfway up my sleeve by a neighbor knock, knock, knocking on my door. He had remembered a half spoken conversation where I said my week was busy with tests and papers, so he brought me over a cup of java to start my day. A new neighbor, half remembered in my head, remembered me and the insignificant comment from one day became a significant start to this day.

Opened the door to the Community Center a smile on my face and the sun at my back. Greeted my counterparts on this nonprofit ride as I made coffee and sliced sweets for my group. Today we had an honest man who is starting a bookstore on the Eastside come and speak about it. I listened as his story unfolded on the table to the lusting beat of all our hearts for this wonderful idea. It will go in next to the coffee shop I am at right now. There will be French doors between these two worlds – the coffee shop where I study and the bookstore where I will run my finger across the books listening to the thud thud thudding sound. Then I will stop randomly and the book I land on will be some random find I will read. Of course this will all happen in between my graduate life existence.

Left there to go to my work for a staff meeting, and found myself lost in the sunny-ness of the day. When the sun shines in winter, it opens the sky in a new way. Everything seems possible; all roads lead someplace new and meaningful. It is days like today that I feel most impulsive to go for a walk somewhere in the woods – take myself out of the grindstone of the day. I didn’t, I had that staff meeting waiting for me, this just happens to be a day I would do that. :o)

Removed myself from the staff meeting, my heart beating from a last minute chat I had with a co-worker friend. She’s an old same of the soul who shared with me her crossroad contemplation as I shared with her a school load of conversation. Then OFF I went to spend time with Mr. Man kidsitting while his Moms apartment searched via phone. We took an adventure outside up and down the side walks. There is nothing like the cracking sound of wisdom when a kid speaks.

Then back we are to the end of my day, exhausted by this wonderful ride. There is nothing to do now, but end this sentence.

Good Night.

Midwest Going West:Stonetree & Seafarer

Hasta to my dear friends Stonetree and Seafarer. They finally got that job in Portland and are moving on out! Westbound and will most certainly be missed. For those who read http://deepintheground.blogspot.com/ and http://sandisshifting.blogspot.com/ you know their story. If you don't read them, I would recommend starting. I got to know the real deal, play with Mr. Man himself and see the beauty between the two luvs. I’d link to their blogs, but Stonetree was supposed to show me how to do this. :o).

I will miss you two. May the journey onward be a good one, complete with rest that is well deserved and always full of laughter.

Love, GoGo

Residuals From Doing Shrooms In College

I came home to my apartment this morning and immediately put on some pajama pants. I love to be in my kitchen first thing in the morning, the light drips in from the living room just right, a bent beam all over my stove. Not tired, I drank tea leaning against my counter just watching that beam move up the stove onto the wall and for the first time recognized this was my home. This was me spending time in my home.

I’ve been so stressed lately from the isolation of work, school and internship (oh my!). Worried that I don’t make friends quick enough or with charmed impressions that there must be something wrong with me. Living alone and not being in a relationship compounds this fear right now because without the comfort of someone else, living alone means your alone. Doing Grad School and living alone. Whew! This is one of those fears I’ve let sit in the corner, darkened by perception. I’ve done so much to try and prove it wrong, try and change it. But lately, I’ve just needed to drop it. Let it go...knowing if I give it enough time it will appear as it really is. Well not necessarily knowing...more like acting as if I know and hoping that acting isn’t just the bull in the shit I am feeding myself. I just let it sit in the corner while I drank my tea.

And wouldn't u know, there it was - me, my fear, and that beam of light sharing a moment in my home.

It's a Keeper!

All right, so no more overworked student or philosophical who-das today. For a hard pressed grad student with much to do, I certainly found time last night to watch 7 episodes of Six Feet Under. Borrowed the first season from a friend - loving it! Right up my personality's alley and intriguing, rich, and not as messed up as that Carnivale series.

It felt really nice to curl my head into my favorite chair and laugh...I drooled at points I tell you. Anything that can take a morbid subject and make it fun for the living...I say hell yeah!

I'm hooked. Which is good 'cause now I have something to watch until season 3 of the L-word comes out...I still won't be cooking when I watch DVDs though.

GG.

Time Tells a Tale That the Here & Now Never Could

I’m standing at a threshold of changes that need to be made – trying to change these old spots of mine. I wish I could explain these freckles I want out of my life, out of my thoughts, out into the darken scene where they are no longer seen. I wish I had a language deeper than metaphor or philosophical mental masturbation to offer. All I know is, I’m stuck with old fears and habits that just aren’t working anymore, but coming to terms with them is like holding a spider that if held long enough WILL bite you.

When I was a kid it was so much easier to face a fear. For example, once upon a childhood’s past I was afraid of the dark. I was terrified that the darkened shadows compounded in dark rooms held creepy monsters and Boogi-whatevers that were going to kill me. I had to have a nightlight. When that wasn’t enough, seeing that nightlights let in more dark than light, I had to have the bathroom light on. Well after a while that bathroom light was so bright shining into my room, I was no longer waking up every hour to see what was lurking in the corner, but because the beam of light was penetrating my eyelids like those blue colored headlights cars have now.

So, I faced the fear. One night I just decided to turn it off. I spent the entire night rationalizing every darkened misunderstanding between the child’s eye and reality. I was terrified, complete with no voice to scream and a pressured bladder that just wanted to pee already. By the end, nothing hurt me and every corner was what it was – a corner. Today I can walk in my blackened house without a sneeze of fear.

But now, the adult me can’t seem to clear the misunderstandings between the formed mind and reality. I’m stuck just like the child knowing these old fears are getting in my eyes blinding me into distraction, except rationalizing isn’t working anymore either. The funny part about this ego crisis is when I dream the fear comes out in the form of old fears. I’ve dreamt I am afraid of the dark and someone is in the room who is going to hurt me…I am so terrified I wake up jumping out of bed. Or I dream the walls are crawling with spiders falling on me and again I wake up shaking the covers. The instance I am awake, I am completely fine. The act of waking dissipates the fear, and like the childhood nature in me to protect the sacredness of sleep I instantly go back to sleep so as not to miss a minute of it.

But here I am still wondering what I can do to change these old spots of mine. How do I change the habits formed out of fear and the fear that needs to be released so I can let go of the habit? Um yeah. (Say that ten times fast). Then again, the only answer I can give myself is its going to take longer than a night for these corners to clear up.

Time will tell a tale that the here and now never could. Let’s hope the spider’s not poisonous.

Hey, I Know My Life Is Not As Bad As Cheney's

Quick blog because I know if I don’t write it now, I will want to later and later I NEED to write a paper. I know it’s my broken record, but life is frickin’ busy these days – busy in a good way, but busy in a hard way too.

I have a paper I need to write tonight on informed consent, follow-up on my next workshop for my internship to do, and a Senior Coffee Group I need to get logistics finished on. I have half my reports done for all of this, and this weekend I need to find time to apply for financial aid, confirm summer aid, as well as attend a Field Liaison group. Oh, damn I need to do my taxes too.

Take a deep breath. This does not include studying for my Research Method’s exam this weekend and reading the corresponding chapters….PLUS reading my theory chapters and writing an expert write up thingy ma-whatever.

I have established a routine of putting my clothes in corresponding laundry piles when I take them off at night, so I can just put them in the wash as soon as I get a chance. I also now am eating only frozen and/or soup to make life easier and cheaper. All is healthy usually consisting of beans and rice. When I am on campus I buy Rice and Lentil Soup and a salad for dinner, and eat a Tofu sandwich with orange and yogurt at lunch. I am trying to maintain a healthy eating pattern, though very basic when this busy these days. Bad foods make me tired, and am tired of being tired.

I don’t really have time to feel like I am just swimming these days, and I’ve long since given up anything close to falling…that would mean there is an end with pain and prefer to remember no matter how I choose to feel, there is going to be another day. But boi, I sure am ready to get some kind of reprieve. I’m still working on personal non-school related crap that always seems to come up when you don’t have time too, and spend most of my days either focused on work or weepy over spilled milk.

With all of this said and written, I have never felt more alive and true to myself. Still it’s hard. Still wish temper tantrums and being held on someone’s lap were things you do as an adult instead of at four years old…I know all the work I am doing today brings me closer to where I want to be…which is right here with me. Does this make sense? Does it matter? To me it does.

Well, I am going to add one more thing to my task list today – work out. I really just need something that will help me to release all this stress building up and this is the one thing that I can think of that will make me feel better in the end…and won’t hurt my throat like screaming would. :o). Namaste.

Quotes Are Always Fun!

Quotes of the Day:

I say if you can’t get yourself to fit inside a box, bust out some holes so your butt feels comfortable.

~Heard this while peeing in a stall.

If you’re not like everyone else, don’t tell them and see how long it takes them to notice.

~I actually said this one for myself! GoGo.

People who complain they never get enough or the right kind of support from their friends, usually get more than the rest and never give back any!

~Woman on the bus.

Over Night Hell: Saga of a Soar Throat

I'm sick. There is a golf ball size swollen lymph node in my throat growing by the minute and my eye sockets feel like a heating blanket checked in back there. A cool layer of clammy sweat is competing with my stuffy chest for most uncomfortable part of my body. Little do they know that the swollen throat wins hands down - every time.

I'd like to thank the sponsors of this cold - virus &/or bacteria for bringing it on quickly without teasing me with assumptions like "I can beat this" OR "OJ will keep me from getting sick". Yeah, no. I'm full blown sick with a capital ICK.

This morning I was feeling tired but fine. I had a little scratch in my throat, so I bought halls. My throat gets dry easy in winter, so...My home improvement workshops was successful and my pack up time beat records I tell ya! Went home to sleep. All was normal. Then, I woke up and wouldn't you know that the little scratch turned into a hard swallow. I tried to go to the library and study. I spent less than 30 minutes (though successfully downloading three articles), when I suddenly felt that a mammoth sized library second floor felt too small and everyone was crowding me. It went down hill from there.

I am now at work because you can't get someone to work for you an hour before the start. I feel like crap. I want to go home and sleep. I want my own tissues and my heating blanket. I want to wear my favorite pajamas and drink throat coat teas. I want to be laid out on my couch...'cause I think when your sick, its a special occasion that requires a change in sleeping niches. Prop myself up on princess standard of pillows and sleep.

There is a huge part of me that knows that being sick right now is putting a huge wrench in a very busy week. I have an 8 page paper, Expert write up, and another exam to study for. The 8 page is going to take up most of my time because the prof. is super difficult, and its the first of three papers that define our grade. But at this moment, I don't care. I want to honor my virus&/or bacterial guests by giving my body all the energy it needs to kick them out! I want to sleep and crash and take care of myself...till then this is me sick at work, miserable. *insert sad face*.

Sing Me a Song, Anyone Will Do

The best thing about my job is the acoustics in the kitchen. I can actually hear myself sing, so you bet I spend extra time in there at night just singing away. This place holds second to the time I worked at night by myself for a Peace Group. The group was located in an old convent for nuns and the acoustics were Devine! Boi, did I sing in that place alot...loud, and in tune! Don’t get me wrong, you won’t see me on American Idol any time soon. Um, mostly cause I’m too cool, yeah that’s it. I do like to sing though, and when I can hear myself even better. I wail away! Sometimes other people join me too. I love it when other people join in, no matter how anyone sounds.

Of course, I do have actual singer/songwriter friends and I am too intimidated to sing with them when I go over to their house. I can't find a tune to save me. But I won’t give up, one of these days my voice won’t freeze and I will show them my pipes. They don’t care how well I sing, just as long as I do it...

But until then, I’m going to get back to the kitchen and sing. See ya.

I like the Centerfold of Melons This Year

Beautiful day! The sun is shining, illuminating the snow and I feel like I am walking on light. Life is still ever so busy. I am at my internship finishing up the final touches needed for my workshop this weekend. It’s nice to almost be done with this stage and to have created something that others will benefit from. I am also glad to almost be done, so I can focus on my paper coming due!

While faxing some press releases today, I was looking at a Garden and Seed Catalogue for Spring. In an attempt to alleviate the fact that the Eastside is food insecure (i.e., only has Convenience Stores), the Community Center I volunteer at runs a Farmers Market that takes Food stamps, grow your own food projects, etc. So, we get catalogues for kids and adults to buy seeds from or at least get ideas.

Anyway, I was drooling over the catalogue. The ripe delicious shots of tomatoes; the variety pack of peppers on sale now; the varieties of sunflowers and (Oh!) the Thunbergia! I plant a garden 25x25 at my neighborhood community garden and its time to absorb myself in mapping out what I want to do this year. But, I have a problem. I’m sneaking peeks of the catalogue every chance I get like some dirty old man (or politically correct some person of any age who over objectifies others with his or her gaze). And no, I'm not one to objectify other people...It's not why I'm interested in in you.

My energy grows from many things in my life. Learning. Reading. Listening. Friends. Activism. Music. But the biggest place I get my energy is from creating. Words, drawings, gardens, minor crafty projects, oh and cooking. My belly can’t feel full unless my hands are brewing some new project! I am so looking forward to my garden this year.

And yes, T, your right. Oh, how it smarts when my words can be turned back on me…thank you!

Focus, Damn It

The part of my head not in Grad School is distracting me. Not a part in Grad School? Can that happen? Yes. It’s the part that wants to be anywhere else than with my head in a book. Wants to do anything else than fill up my week with study groups, internships, and work. Oh my!

This semester seems just a little harder than the last one, though the material much more comfortable. I feel restless with it all, like I’ve done this before OR ironically it’s not enough anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean “not enough” please fill my plate with more studying, internships and work (oh my!). No. Most definitely not…what I mean by “not enough” is there is this pang in my chest…a chord that gets strummed when I wake up and sleeps next to me in my bed. It’s a hum of distraction that keeps me looking around my space for something missing or forgotten…I don’t know. I’m happy. Even when I am not happy, I still feel this sense of contentment that works for me, and yet even with those words written, here I am contradicting myself.

I suppose this feeling has been there for some time. In the past, I had the opportunity to fill it with something...like travel, going to the beach, smoking…or any act of getting lost somewhere else. Whatever I did, it was louder than the pluck of this chord playing like a tuning fork these days. I don’t know what I need to fill it? Me? I’m so sick of catering to my self-actualization all the time…I’m starting to fill like the partner who can’t stand to go to one more meditation retreat or one more self-help book. Besides even meditation, exercise, three balance meals, a working spirituality, comfortable nurturing home, art projects, Grad School, (on and on) of things I am doing isn’t muting this damn hum in me. I really do enjoy everything I have in my life right now…even if the studying, internship, work (oh my!) is hard. Yet, still hear I am searching for something more. Its like my internal stereo is skipping and I just want to get past the note playing over and over. Its like a white noise I never knew was there until I cleared everything else away.

Bloody hell. I thought writing about it here would somehow bring clarity or purge this “feeling”. But the more I try to describe it, hold it, the more I don’t know what it is…or maybe I do, and I just can’t answer its need. I just need to focus more.

Spending time doing the class thing again today...

Took the bus to campus, came to the library to print my “Expert Writeup”, though I believe this is one of those acts of “as if” exercises to teach us how. Now, I’m sitting here wondering what I want to say.

What can a GoGo say about her life these days. Life’s moving forward as I move closer to the “as if” I want to be. The beginning of this vintage year has started out with so much catharsis and ego bruises, I feel like a runner who fell at the starting line and it’s messed up her zone some. Don’t get me wrong, I may have stumbled, I may have fallen, but this cat knows its all about what you do after that is the important part. Well its also important to have a rich internal dialogue – sarcasm and humor are good sidekicks for a runner whose knees are scraped as she pushes forward to the finish line.

I’ve been reading some wonderful blogs lately. So many folks are putting themselves out there in order to feed that part that needs to be out there. How much energy comes from ourselves when we dare to be just that – ourselves. I haven’t seen one blogger who has failed in their attempt to risk exposure, though I’ve seen a number who have felt they are failing.

Well, for now I’m done. I have to admit, now that I am seeing people are reading this blog, its brought up the shyer side of me. It’s not about being judged or saying the wrong thing. I’ve said enough things that were so right, but the world felt was wrong that I know I can handle judgment. I’ve been watched in my lifetime and held my own. I’ve even said the absolute worse thing to say at a moment and recovered, so taking risks and making a mistake doesn’t scare me. I think I’m feeling shy because I’m afraid of the reward of putting myself on a page. Does that make sense?

Oh, that and I’m not sure how many more times I can write about studying and make it interesting to read for myself. I’m finding it old material these days. Did you hear the one about a grad student who walked into a bar? She was too busy studying and forgot to look up.
Badumpbump.

Speaking of grad school, I have to go to class.

What I am listening to tonight while studying

Check out:

the long hairz collective, Album: Dreadlocks and ponytales

http://www.cdbaby.com/

tHIS IS wHAT yOU gET wHEN A gOgO hAS nOTHING tO sAY

It’s the middle of the night again. I’m working my overnight, procrastinating with these words. My tasky goals are to do my job so I have time to do some homework. Don’t pity me though, I spent too much time last night chatting.

Its snowing here! I’m very excited and will need to go hiking as soon as possible. Also, sledding.

That’s about it. No insights, deep thoughts, or funny moments. What’s going on in my life is mine to keep for now. Oh wait, I do have one thought...

I miss the turn table record player. Where the touch of needle to record was a delicate dance of the fingers and hand. Sure technology is great. Its so much easier to download your favorite 1000 songs into the Podded player, or your favorite 50 CDs into the stereo (do we still call them stereos)? The inconvenience is not what I am missing. Just that moment when the hand directed meets the vinyl and static pops greet you right before you here the music play. There is no place for it now. It is not needed. There is no relevance. What does the act give me anyway? However, I miss the dance all the same.

Please note, I do not miss scratched records, having to get out of bed to restart the music, or the inability to hide the oversized square from my Dad when I was stealing his Beatle records to listen to in my room.

Cheers.

Breaking Away? More Like breaking In

Quote copied from Daring to Write:

"Making the most of one's life does not occur by chance. It requires a willing decision or affirmation by the individual, and it often requires the courage to break away from old patterns and seek new and more fulfilling pathways and the ability to translate new insights into consistent action. Thus the good life involves a moral commitment to make the most of oneself and one's opportunities to become an actualized human being." ~ James S. Coleman

"But its so damn hard. Hard I tell you, hard!" ~This quote brought to you by my internal dialogue. Good night

Tribute to You

O'Dear Bloggers,

Tell me a tale, soft and sweet. Draw me a picture bold and strong. Show me a photo defined and beautiful. Tear away at the shield of who you are and share with me parts of you vulnerable. Be honest and direct or indirectly puckish in your words. Post a secret, tell a lie...but whatever you do, don't stop creating this virtual world of you.

Love,

GG

Lost in a Win/Win Situation

I stood at the top of the stairs today, wondering which way I was going – up or down? I’ve wrote before about how busy I am these days. To Do Lists and follow-up phone calls have become my life lists, and digesting my homework the appetizer and desert to my busy days. And yet I am doing fine. Something has changed since my first semester to this one…I am more comfortable with it all. Sure I’d like to be less busy. I don’t hesitate to make a parody about the humming busy-ness. It keeps the high frequency of this pace from building up in my throat. And it’s another form of taking care of me, when the best option just isn’t an option.

Sometimes our lives are at a level different than what we want them to be. Sometimes we don’t get what we want immediately, and sometimes that damn clichéd line “You don’t get what you want, but you get what you need” is true. Damn Cliché. It was so right this time, but that is another story. Oh, but I am digressing into some internal Scrubs dialogue…back to the beginning line.

So, I stood at the top of the stairs today, going from one task into the next, building a program for my internship while building my professional career, and I felt this moment of unsteadiness at the top of the stairs. I knew my direction, out into the daylight…out toward another building where I was meeting with my supervisor for the weekly checkin, but my head wasn’t sure. For a brief 2.5 second intake of breath I wondered, what the hell am I really doing these days? Is this really what I want to do?.....Am I going up or down? But before worry could set in or fear…or to be honest commitment issues about my life set in, my inner voice spoke to my mind’s ear “Hun, whatever direction you're heading, you’ve got the best partner for this ride. You’ll be just fine.”

I like my internal dialogue.