Time and I are having arguments these days

Time and I are having arguments these days. I have 2 and 1/2 more projects to complete, an internship, a job, and personal to do's...to do. One personal to do is to spend time in my home reconnecting to me, my direction, and rebuilding my home. By nature, I do my best personal work when I have time to be the archeologist of my home - moving furniture, organizing my papers, sifting through the past parts of me and decided where does it need to be at this time in my life. I've been putting this off in order to attend to the more public sphere's of my life like a policy analysis, interventions, final exams, internships....you know the list.

Increasingly, my body, mind, and soul has been creeping up in my head with little plees to begin internalizing myself for a while in my home. I have a thousand projects in my head and the longer I put them off the larger the list grows...and the more I want to get started. See the part of me that needs this precious me time in my home does not beat to the rythms of time, but of the heart. My heart does not answer to anything but herself. I learned this much too late in life and the head part of me has learned to submit to her when she changes the beat of my life. It is a very special lesson I honor above all others. But how do you tell an organ that works when you sleep, keeps you alive, and well functioning, that you just have to wait a little longer?

I will put out there that my life has not been all or nothing in the self-care world. I have treated my time with myself like a lover whose been too busy to be around all the time. I've enjoyed the pockets of time when I get to focus on me and listen. I've even stopped my life in order to be with me for a moment...checking in. When your in school there are two things you learn to do well...skim read and power date the times you have with yourself. And when I say these things, I hope that bloggland doesn't see me as arrogant or self-centered. I truely believe the primary relationship in anyone's life is with themself. If you cannot be with yourself or honor yourself whole, how can you possibely be present...truelly present in anyone else's life or any other sphere. I just want more time right now, that's all.

All right, that's what happening for myself this week. Thanks for listening.

I'm Not Hear Right Now, So Please Leave a Message at the Tone

Here is the Best of GoGo from another blog I am on. The members are good writers, so you should check out their blogs too. The second I learn how to put their webs on my page, I will. I like these entries that brewed out of me...they're a good cup and something to read. I am taking a sabatical for a little while. Blogland vacation. My favorite two are the last two entries.

P.S. I suck at making links happen. ~GoGo

Birth of a GoGo
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/06/birth-of-gogo.html

Sing Me a Song
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/06/sing-me-song.html

Day One: 2 Dogs and a Cat Sitting
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/06/day-one-2-dogs-and-cat-sitting.html

Day Two: 2 Dogs Fighting and a Cat Sitting
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/06/day-two-dogs-fighting-and-cat-sitting.html

Clean-up
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/06/clean-up.html

Pride & What Out Bodies Do Naturally
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/06/pride-and-what-our-bodies-do-naturally.html

Week In the Life of a GoGo
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/07/week-in-life-of-gogo.html

I'm Sorry for Calling you a Sick F$%K, God
http://thegroupthing.blogspot.com/2005/07/im-sorry-for-calling-you-sick-f-god.html

This Day, This Me Gets This Poem Tonight

A Community of the Spirit
Rumi

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight of walking in the noisy street
and being the noise.
Drink all your passion, and be a disgrace.
Close both eyes to see with the other eye.
Open your hands, if you want to be held.
Sit down in the circle.
Quit acting like a wolf, and feel the shepherd's love filling you.
At night, your beloved wanders. Don't accept consolations.
Close your mouth against food. Taste the lover's mouth in yours.
You moan, "She left me." "He left me." Twenty more will come.
Be empty of worrying. Think of who created thought!
Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?
Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence.
Flow down and down in always widening rings of being.

Sitting In My Living Room Doing Some Living

Post Thanksgiving and I am feeling fine. How did you all do with the seasonal feast?
I spent the morning driving down in good conversation and fun with a friend being dropped off for her own journey, mixed in with a little car maintenance and cold fingers. I DID NOT WIN THE GAME “COW, I WIN”. Then spent time at my Grandmother’s house looking at old photos with my siblings, catching up on time between us, laughing and playing. The bonus gift of the day was the opportunity to take some photos home with me. I felt like I had strapped my little girl in the passenger seat and brought her home to live. I recommend everyone feel this kind of event in their lives at least once.

In the evening, I picked up the friend from her home, not without a little conversation with her family that had me almost pissing my pants. Its one of those conversations to share in the private sphere, not the blog unfortunately, but I will offer that there is nothing like capturing time with other people’s family. I also recommend trying this when opportunity strikes. We did not leave without a little 5 finger discount of bad habits that I and others need to quit…snagging cartons of cigarettes. I ended the evening by throwing cigarettes into the water in the darkness of night, each one represented tangled parts of me. I threw them like firecrackers from my hand and listened as each hit the water in a staccato bang. I imagined releasing all which bond me to smoking into the water, some were things I carried for way too long and really were not about me. My little girl asked for her turn and threw them as far as she could and she jumped for joy as she did it. I felt her waken inside of me and tug my heart on our sleeve.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Quotes to Live By

I have a book of quotes where I write down things I want to carry with me throughout my life...things I want to guide me forward. Here are some quotes I have picked up this year.

community is what is around you now, not what you want it to be...

There are two types of materialist: Those who spend their lives buying things and those who judge those who buy things.

Meet them where their at.

Dude, watch out for the poop.

Count Down: 3 weeks & 3 Projects

Its crunch time here. Classes are wrapping up and I am left with 3 final projects.
1. Policy Analysis
2. Assessment/Intervention
3. Final Exam: Group Project

Whew, if I can just get through the next 3 weeks...let's just say I'll be happy and ready to just be for a moment. Its been a hard semester, being that it was the first, and who knows what the next three weeks will do to me. I've had some fun though, met new people, but overall I want it to be over.

I have to give kudos to many peeps in my program. I feel as though I have learned so much from those around me, not just from the readings or lectures. My number 1 rule is no real names, so I can't give specifics out of who really rocks, but trust that they do. I will mention the Half and Halfs...you know who you are...love ya, girls.

I will say again though...I'm ready to be done for a minute! I wish I had more humor to send out into the world...but I just can't think of a single funny thing. Hell, maybe the fact that I am in school and so focused on it is the punch line.

Anywho, please send good vibes my way if you could. I need it!

Weeks Top 5 Lessons

5. The movie The Pacifier is NOT the movie Pitch Black, sorry Vin.

4. Insults and frienships don't mix.

3. Even the term "Male Anerexia" googled can bring up porn.

2. While organizing my years of photos I found 26 undeveloped roles. I never knew this about myself.

1. Some churches do have humor.

Movie Review: Why I Waited to Watch this Damn Movie

Saw Willie Wonka...though I love Johnny Depp, I did NOT like the movie. The Umpa Lumpa's freaked the hell out of me and the kids were boring. Though the special effects were as always up-to-date and appreciated, it did not carry the movie. Wonka was a fun new character that I did enjoy. Johnny's ability to pull off sarcasm and just plain weirdness was fun to watch. However, overall the only part I laughed at was when he ran into the glass elovator the first time, and I think that was pure exhaustion from watching the movie.

I'm glad I waited to rent it, but so sad I wasted the money anyway.

The Weird Things We Do...

I took the game down. I figured that was enough time for people to view. Actually, this is my favorite game to introduce to people when I travel. Its so much fun when you can always win that first day....mind flashing back...anyway, I started thinking, what if it caught on like some incideous tipping point phenomina. Not because people read my blog. My g-d, I can be full-of-it, but NOT delusional. Anywho, what if other people caught on to the game and everyone started playing it? What if, the next time I went on a trip with someone new and was about to yell out "Cow, I win" and they beat me...asking me if I heard of the game? Oye'! So, I figure chances would be lower if it was only left up for a few days. For those, who read the instructions, I hope you have fun with it and please pass it along. There is something about word of mouth that makes the game special. I think I cheapened it by putting it on the web....I feel dirty. To those who might read this and don't know what the hell I am saying...sorry, maybe one day it will be explained as you drive down the road.

I feel better now.

When Subject To Random Conversations

Quick note: Am at the library printing my paper for class and I hear this conversation.

Lady: Do you have the time?

Guy: To do what?

Lady: Funny, do you know what time it is?

Guy: Time for you and I to go out.

Lady: Its time you stop using bad lines...you know you just look an ass.

I just smiled while I waited for my paper to print.

Kathryn Hepburn

I couldn't think of a thing to say tonight. So, I thought I would leave the page for K.H. I have always wanted to be her...except I'd like girls... Here's to you Kate.

Sketching myself on a page: Abstract

In the real world…you know the one where I sleep, eat, and breathe grad school…well not breathe…my g-d grad school has a fowl funk right about now with all of us over perspiring from the stress.

I digress, I haven’t had much time lately for personal life dramas that mix up the emotions ever so nice and sweet. You know what I am talking about…not the regular old hand held mixin’ of drama either. I’m talking about turning the blender on high after you put in all you have of rational and understood, and mixing it until all that’s left is one smooth drink that is gonna fuck you up drama! Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but did you see my sign?

Rational and understood are in my blender today, I just can’t let myself turn it on. It would get in the way of grad school…but if I could, I would, and I’d hit puree. :-)

Grad School Reality Check

How I retain perspective while in Grad School.

Grad school...hard

Sitting through a speech George W. Bush makes...harder.

If I can do that, I can do anything.

Day Revisted...Night Reloaded

The highlights from random conversations shared with me today.

Words of the day: Body memory, open up, closure, actively being, internalized, guarded, good energy, attraction, attractive, voice, residue, dynamic presenter, circle, saw me, see me, seen.

Quotes of the Day:
I like to keep myself an addendum in order to keep the conversation moving forward.

A day well done is just a long day done.

One Thing You Shouldn't Do In Class

Psst. I am in class. Bored as hell. We are talking about group think, mcdonalization, and group power. Should be interested, but I can't pay attention to save my life! Group Presentation 1 went well. My group did well. I am always blown away by how I pull off talking in front of a class. It terrifies me until I actually do it. Hopefully I will make it happen again for presentation 2 tomorrow. Wish me luck.

To Pout or Not to Pout?

Hmm. Tired. Could someone please make my bed for me, clean my dishes, and make me a good meal that IS NOT from a resturant? Just finished with yet another group project. I now have to go to work and its getting to me. I miss Sunday's when I clean my home and make a good home cooked meal. Don't get me wrong...school is my choice, I knew exactly what I was getting into and know I am still doing just fine. My burn out level is pretty low and will address it as it comes along. With that said, I don't want to be funny tonight; I don't want to go to work; I don't want to have to pick up the pieces from other people in my group falling apart; and I don't want to come home to an unmade bed.

If I throw a tantrum, will anything get addressed? No. Damn it.

Side Street Saga: Let Go and Just Trust Me

Coming out of the overnight and my car is busted. The belt has slipped off and I don't know piddly pee about cars...I like to pretend to, but lets face it, I'm lucky I know how to check the oil! I drive it home with hope and a prayer.

Call the one of two car people I know directly in town, leave a message and cancel out on my 11am Liaison meeting. Fuck! So I go to bed.

Get woken up by wonderful one of two car people I know and she can't help me, but recommends an auto store. In this whole process I have been consulting with my Dad, he is as supportive as he can be 159 miles away. I can tell he loves me, even if he is as shocked as I am that I don't know more car people. I think he thinks because I am a lesbian, car fixin' chicks should be a staple. I don't question. I offer up that I may not know car people, but if you ever need to organize a peaceful community organized event, I know a whole bunch of dykes who could pull it off! Now, tell me that's not useful. I try to remember this while feelings of pissed off helplessness flow through me. I count my blessings. I can only remember two.

Get a corner away from the autopart place...my gages begin to dance...ironically to the beat of both my heart and tummy, so I pull off at a Truck Company. No comment here because it could be construed as slander...I'll just say fucking gas guzzling ass holes.

Call tow truck at 1pm while Gas guzzling ass holes watch, complete with someone looking at my boob. I scratch it with my middle finger (I tell myself this is not the best of me, even if I feel sadistically in control while boob freak's eyes flutter away.)...get a guy coming out to tow. Go out to the car, take out the lap top and begin to ball hysterically while I write a personal journal entry. It has more cuss words and graffic images I won't post here. Lets just say, it was not my finest 1/2 hour. Parts of me I try to love, but really just live with.

Tow truck dude looks at the car...says its the pully...I make him prove it. I now need to take it to the shop. I would get it back by Monday possibly, $200 out of pocket, if Iwas lucky. Then in the process of taking me home and finding out tow truck dude and I have much in common, tow truck dude has an idea....

I am taken to a side street machinic - retired master machanic or so he says. For those who don't know, side streets are homebased machinics. I haven't slept much, am wondering if this is the best option, and if I am thinking clearly.

Three thoughts go through my head...Am I taking care of myself here? Are my boobs still showing? Remember, I can always pull out.

The rest of the day is hews of exhaustion. I get back in time from dropping the car off at the side street Machanic to go to meeting number two of the day. This one is for the Mental Health Parity Project I am working on. Lets just say, I am no where closer to understanding... but for the first time I let go. I tell my partner...I tell her I don't know what I am doing and ask for help. We set up a game plan.

Side Street calls me, I need a part...he has no pullys. Side Street's wife calls around and lets me know where the cheapest part is and tells me. At this moment, I feel as though the day has kissed my forhead. I don't know these people...they could screw me, but instead they extend themselves beyond words. I ask one more favor from my project partner...to drive me to buy the part. She agrees and understands. Its so much easier to give then receive. To be honest I worry she'll judge me, then push it away as TRUST sinks into my head. I remembered telling someone this week, "sometimes its just as important to receive as it is to give." I go with it.

Policy partner drops me off, with part, at Side Street's house. He tells me it will take an hour, I looked tired and to go home and sleep. SLEEP feels like a foreign word...somewhere I lost track of caring about myself today. I shake it, and remind myself to trust. Today is an autopilot kind of day and am going to take my cues from those around.

I go home and sleep...two hours later Side Street is calling me to say the car is ready. The cost is so cheap for the service, I intend to go to him from now on. I get the car, I tell Side Street and his wife how grateful I am. "You don't know me, yet you helped me out." These are the moments in life that make life worth it. I am now eating at the coffee shop and beginning another project to do. I call my father, Notre Dame is up by a point (WTF), and he loves me. I'm 29 years old and I still appreciate it when he tells me this.

This has been the best autopilot day ever!

Thank you Tow Truck Dude, Side Street and Lady Side Street...and Dad Project Partner & One of Two!

Does It Count If the Love of My Life is Square?

I'm still in love with my bed. I look forward to coming home to her, wrapping myself up in her and sleeping. But, I have to admit my eye is wondering. I am starting to daydream about another beautiful thing. She's taller and fluffy just where I like it. I want a bed I can plop onto, not just crawl into. My eyes are wondering, folks. I feel guilty...will my current bed know?

Bu Dho This!

Have you ever been distracted? You know, when the mind keeps wanting to go a direction you can't go at the moment. Kind of like when the eyes want to look down at breast when it really is a bad idea! (For none breast people, think about the booger you want to look at, but can't). Have you ever spent more then 20 minutes telling yourself to refocus, attempting to with every fiber of your body to redirect yourself? Or been meditating and not being able to stop the thought, no matter how many in and out breaths you take nor Bu Dhos you sing...

The Agenda

Remember undergrad, if you did undergrad? Remember Friday's? Remember naps? Remember when beer, illicit drugs, and Fun were Friday's Agenda? I don't and do miss those days. Somewhere I traded in naps for prioritized sleep and beer for running. How did that happen?

Friday's Agenda
1. Oh my god I get to sleep in till 8am tomorrow
2. 8:00 am Drink coffee...or tea but must have caffine!
3. 8:30 am Write that damn Paper on Regulative Principles
4. 10:00 am Run at Nature Center (Its my only free time really)
5. 11: 30 am Go to bed
6. 7:30 pm get up and go to coffee shop to study
7. 12am - 8am Go to Work

How to be a SuperHero

Someone the other day informed me how together I was. We've all had that right - The misinformed friend who offers a fantastic comment that cannot be anywhere near true. I mean can anyone out there truelly say they have it together? I will admit I do enjoy the fact that people might think I have it together. Why not, in this day and age, its the closest image one can have to a super hero. :0). (I just cracked myself up).

Anywho, I liked the compliment...it was nice. Part is true...I do the work that it takes to present myself as together. I mean LOTS of work! And this kind of work is not a 40 hour a week gig either, its 24/7 and hard...but I digress. Instead of just listing all the things that are not together in me, I try to appreciate what is seen by the person. What looks together and why...and how the hell can I incorporate it to the rest of my life. But in the end, I don't have it together and that's just the way it is. I am okay with that too. I have to be, otherwise I negate the human side of myself...or at least that is what I tell myself. So for all those people who present as together and aren't always, I am listing 5 things on both side of the spectrum...just to remind myself we all live somewhere inbetween.

Together:
My Bill paying system
My music collection
My attitude on most days
My Eletronic library system
My patience

Most definitely NOT Together:
I'll just own it, relationships
My house
My ability to work out on a regular basis
Feeling vulnerable around other people
Letting myself not appear together

Things That Lead Into One Another

Got up tired. Spent way too long up yesterday, having had some surprise company for studying which meant I just talked more, which meant I stayed up longer, which meant I am more tired today which meant when I ordered coffee I informed the server dude that I was wearing the same pants as yesterday because I already knew what was in each pocket.

At least he was amused!