Type This!

Somewhere between then and now, I became a type A personality. This is NOT my normal behavior, seeing that I am a creature prone to sitting. I like to sit and stare. Sometimes out a window at a squirrel, sometimes at the wall; once upon a cable bill I stared at the tele. Where I look is not as important as simply sitting and doing absolutely nothing! I say if you schedule everyday of your life with “something” to do, particularly tasky crap, then you ARE missing the smell of roses, or in my case the blankness of a stare. Also, there is no point in filling up your days with something to do. Sometimes, I like me best when I have nothing planned. Some of my best stories come from days when I simply decided to get up and that was all I had planned.

With that said, my days are busy. Remember last semester when self-care felt compromised and I started many lines with “I feel tired.” Well, this semester, I feel even busier because every moment is filled up; including scheduled prep time to take care of myself. Today is a perfect example of me as a Type A personality…

8:40 am Get up get dressed and grab my prepped school bag, computer bag, breakfast bag, lunch bag and workout bag.

9:01 am Arrive at my internship (I said I was type A, not a morning person).

9-11 am Work at my internship, returning calls, entering data into the webpage…Turn down yet another call to make after hours.

11am Drive over to turn in a Learning Agreement 30 minutes away, while making various calls to important people for my internship.

11:30 am Get a speeding ticket. I get off the phone to talk to the officer. But the second I drive away I call important person back

Noon I am on campus, making calls as I walk to class…While I am calling one person, I get various calls coming in…

Noon:40 pm In class, I turn off my phone. I am actually relieved I get to learn now!!

3:30 pm listening to various messages.

3:45 pm I actually talk to a friend…I am starved for non-work conversation today...I try not to sound anerexic for silly conversations about nothing important...

4:00 pm Working out at the gym with my phone on my person because I can’t miss a call. I hate this, it violates all I stand for and do to take care of myself, but again I can’t miss the call.

5:30 pm Make more phone calls as I drive home to pick up my books for an evening of studying.

6pm until now Go to Study Group. Read, write notes, reply to emails…

Now…Go home and prep for tomorrow. Damn, and tonight is take out the garbage night too!

Everything is a task people. Sure I do what I can to take care of myself. I schedule things fun…but its all a schedule that I orchestrate. This is a time and place. The time is limited and the place is Grad school. And this summer, I will be back to Type B I am sure…maybe even C.
But it sucks anyway. In the non-complaining kind of way. Excuse me, I have to take this call.

A Life Without Laughter, Is No Life At All

It’s the end of another over night shift. I am awake and ready to go to breakfast and laugh. I have surrounded myself with people who can do this - just laugh. Tears in our eyes, gut roaring laughter. I have begun to catalogue the different types of laughter in my life. I spent the evening laughing with coworkers, Sunday breakfast is a table of laughs...here’s to it all, and some quotes to boot.

I like laughing. I like a good smile and a good joke. I like people who can succumb to silliness at a drop of a note. (Unknown)

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Mark Twain

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. Mary Hirsch

You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. Stephen King

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. W.H. Auden

Attend to Your Intentions

Took a trip out of town today. Traveled out of town to my home town to get the car looked at. The end of the story is I now have a functioning car, one part lighter, that may or may not get replaced in the future. I no longer have to drive randomly to keep it charged. Whoot.

Travel always unblocks me. Sometimes, I feel mentally constipated by everything happening in my life, and driving down the highway, letting the scene move around me, breaks up all that feels stuck in me. I woke up before dawn and left town in the cover of night. Drove in silence, the hum of wheel to road lulled me into a sense of quiet. My home town is west of my new home, so I took the highway west, watching the sunrise on the left side of my car (You go south a bit).

I wish I could express the feelings that went through me as I drove this morning. The darkness covered me like a blanket, my eyes were tired from the early morning departure, and my body felt exhausted from the tasky-ness of school and work these days. Then the sun cracked the horizon and instantly filled the sky with tinted hews of orange and yellows, blending into the perfect color of rose in the sky. Even though I have seen a thousand sunrises before, it all felt new as though this event was one in a lifetime. It felt like I was collecting myself on the edge of this sunrise. One moment, I am driving in darkness, covered and hidden. The next, that golden yoke burning in the sky exposed me new and fresh. I was born at sunrise...I believe I will die at sunrise, and all of them in between are what carry me forward.

On the way back here...home from the home town, the day was beautiful and bright. Most of the snow is gone, leaving a thousand shades of washed out browns, yellows, and oranges along the roadside. I believe water color is on winter's pallette. My radio now works in the car, but I turned it off after a few minutes in the drive. I have gotten accustomed to quiet. I like it.

The one other story I want to share from this day's trip is about a woman I met along the way home. I had gone into a gas station to grab a water and go to the bathroom and she sat on a bench outside the door. As I went in, she stopped me and asked me "What is your intention these days?" Puzzled, confused, and pretty much hesitant to talk to someone roosting outside a gas station, I tried not to respond. She returned my silence with "Do not ignore me, missy. What is your intention these days?" I paused, I thought - mostly about how the hell I was going to get out of the situation, but then responded "I have no clue what my intentions are these days."

The woman looked me up and down again, smiled and said, "Then you better attend to them."
I blink, I smile, and went inside. Life lesson?

It's All About the Connections

Disclaimer: Free association tonight -

I am plugged in and ready to go here at the Coffee Shop. This place has WIFI which means two things. First, you’re lucky if you get a spot these days. I can remember when it first opened and I was telling everyone about this place to make sure it stayed open. It’s the only one in this part of town close to my home, so I had an investment. Second, there are two few chords for the number of laptops, so there are communal extension chords for people to plug into here. I grabbed one, plugged in mine and before I was even connected to the internet, it was full with all my neighbors.

So here we are, my neighbors and myself plugged in and ready for the evening of various coffee shop tasks.

I have had a very hard, long week so far. Not the bad hard and long week full of complaints. You can define that for yourself, but I assure you…its not. Rather, one full of tasks completed, undone, and still to do. In my sophomore semester of grad school I think I have found my runners pace for it all. Of course it helps that this week has been seasoned with interesting topics. Like on Tuesday, I forgot we were taking a test in my research methods class. Okay, I thought it was happening next week not this one, and I did not study for it. With that said, its multiple choice which in my world means I could have aced or failed depending on if I read the question right. I do have to say, I did learn from the experience that I know most of my shit, at least if I read the question correctly…and spontaneous testing kind of gives me a rush. Um, that would be the natural, completely non-addictive rush that we all experience.

Today, I had my internship group I moderate. It’s a continued educational group. I don’t want to say more here. You know, the superhero code to keep the personal life personal…oh did I say superhero?...your damn right! I think anyone in grad school, law school, vocational school…or any educational mode should get an honorary cape and superhero underoos.

Um, I digress. Anyway, I had a friend from the MSW program come in and talk about anti-affirmative action proposal here in the State. He and I are in agreement that Affirmative Action should not be removed from law. After the group was over, I committed to joining the group trying to keep AA in the State.

Yes, yes…I know I have much on my plate already…school, work, internship. Now I am going to add a little activism and Civil Rights defending into the mix. Yep.

I put out there that I don’t want a leadership role in all this. I just want to help in the periphery…people chuckled at me, including some of my group members. In fact, some bet $5 against me staying on the periphery of things. Serious. I wonder what the odds are on the bet…can I make some money on this? The thing is, I’d probably bet against me too. I do have to say I was VERY honored and humbled today by all that was said. I felt for the first time connected to a natural part of me that does take on leadership roles and public speaking. Is it wrong to appreciate this quality in myself? As a woman, I know I've been taught it is...but genderless how would it sound? Blah. I guess things to ponder. I still won't do more than I can right now, especially since I got money riding on it. :o).

All right, that is what I have this evening.

Good Night

I tried, but I got nothing tonight.

I really want to insert a pun, joke, or funny anticdote HERE. Got one for me?

Devotions of a Student

Spending time stepping back into my studying pants. One foot at a time, one leg filled then the other. Life’s been a little precarious these days. The stability in it all is school, study, work, and internship. I’m not prone to being devout to these things and it’s only the 2nd semester and here I am again – the student. Life lessons fill the silence of my thought, because life lessons have a tendency to bring silence to thought. So, here I am the devout student to it all. Letting go, letting in, letting life be as it is. Spending time stepping back into my studying pants, putting one foot in at a time, one leg filled then the other.

Draw Me a GoGo. No Seriously.

I've been blogg flipping. Moving from one blog to another from links lists. I watched artwork from talented artist unfold before me one after another. I feel intimidated by so many creative things out there in the world. No, intimidated is not the right word...what's the word when you come across something so wonderous and beautiful you cannot help but feel small to it and yet inspired all at the same time? Is there one word to describe this? Well, soon I'll have another art gallery post to show you all what I am finding out there.

As for those who have been reading my blogg. Thanks.

Frankie & The Preacher

She heard them as she crossed the bridge. She came upon them before she even turned the curve walking. Frankie was familiar with the sight and sounds of the campus preachers throughout her years. Different factions, different annunciations of the word of God roared from their lips, but the event was the same “Fear God, you sinners.” She knew from experience to keep silent, look down, and whatever you do, don’t challenge them.

This was our little lamb’s intent as she began to walk through the corridor of this group shouting and yelling their rhetoric. Eyes down, Frankie walked forward. She listened as they yelled at her, “God, wants to love you.” She tells herself empty head, full heart.

“God is a god who wants no other Gods before him.”

She keeps walking, pace steady. Walk too slow and they’ll target in on you, walk too fast and they’ll close the end of the corridor on you.

“Sinners must repent before God in order to receive his love…”

Frankie keeps her heart beat as steady as her footstep on the pavement, trying to keep her thoughts empty. Empty thoughts means she isn’t trying to argue them in her head. Then it happened, my dear reader. As she was nearing the middle of the corridor of God’s messengers, the Preacher, the head Padre of this bunch saw her. She could see him in her periphery as his eyes winced by recognition of her. She could see as his monologue towards the mass paused and as he redirected his words towards her. In her mind’s ear she whispered to herself, “It’s the haircut that got me.”

“Fear God you sinners. Those who love women. You homosexuals. God, says that you are a sinner. There should be no other than a man for a woman and a woman for a man.”

Frankie, our little lamb, had years of experience being sheered by the false words of God told to her. She knew that these reverend speakers of the word always saw her as a sin. Frankie’s head turned on as he spoke to her, she kept walking past him. In her mind’s ear she spoke soft words for God “I will not fear someone I love. I will not let my relationship with God be an abusive relationship”. She chanted these words over and over again louder and louder in her head as the Preacher proceeded to increase both his voice and the intent of his words.

“FEAR God you homosexuals or face hell as your sentence. I know you think that as the LESBIAN capitol, this campus is a swarm of sin for you to enjoy…”

“Damn, I knew I was missing out.” Then, oh reader…oh willing participant in this sad story I tell you…Frankie realized her words were no longer in her head, but out in the word as rounded and full as the Preacher’s, as hollow and escalatory as the faith-filler himself.

Frankie was only saved this time because her actions happened at the end of the corridor of God, her steps took her further and further away, and Frankie took the first turn left out of the situation.

But this plighted story of sad fate does not end here, oh readers. No, for you see, if you ever went to a college where Preachers preach at the center of campus…you know the like will Preach and Preach day after day…and day…and day. When they do go away, urban legend tells us that they met their quota to hitch a ride in a pew to heaven.

On the second day of this misfortune, Frankie had to once again go to class. She had known that they might remember her, seeing that her hair, that pixie cut apparently Dyke shouting haircut was also Redder than red. Frankie knew if the red noise of Rudoff distinguished him from the crowd, so did the red on top of her head. But our dear lamb was not afraid to go down the corridor. No, my readers. In fact, she was more willing than ever to walk down that corridor, for our Frankie had a plan…

Frankie would meet the Preacher and his disciple with silence. She would let them rip and roar. She’d even let them tell her that God was a vengeful God…her pet peeve. She promised herself that she would not speak until the Preacher himself attempted to speak to her…

to be continued next week…

Cheers to You

This is for all the mess ups, who step in poop before remembering to look.
For all the mistake makers, who say the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time
For all those misspelling grammatically challenged, ink blotters
For all those who kissed southern lips for the first time and slurped
For all the promise breakers, who thought they were speaking the truth
For all those in love with perfection’s continuous rejection…

This is for all you who screw up, fuck up, back up only to do it all over again.

Cars, Classes, Rain and Soaked: Random Commentary

Grey weather here in the Midwest. Rain soaks everything while winter breaths down everyone’s neck. Class day, so I’m very familiar with the rain today. I take the bus to campus and spend the day here…today’s my all day thing, and I won’t get home until after 10pm. Only then do I get to drive my car and go to bed. That’s a weird sentence isn’t it?

These days I wake up and go to bed with the intention of driving. My wonderful, thank god I have one, car is high maintenance. We're not talking about burnt out head light H.M., but the “It’ll work as long as you turn the key ¾ of the way instead of all the way, push the gas 1 ½ times only with a feathered touch and wear your favorite color underwear for luck H.M..” The problem these days is a short somewhere and this means I have to keep up a continuous routine of driving my car in order to have it function the next day. The next day is the same routine, with the same intention – to keep my car going these days. I have an appointment to get it looked at, but not until Friday.

To tell you the truth, with the exception that I am feeding into environmental problems with my gratuitous driving, I like the idea of beginning and ending my days doing just that. At night I drive towards the outskirts of some northern towns. I go about 20 minutes out and exit onto some obscure road and try to get lost.

In the morning, appreciative when the thing actually works, I just go to some western exists I know and drive past some factories that have closed. My circles these days know about but aren’t affected like my family is by the Big factories closing. For me it’s been a theme throughout my growing up years. Shutting down and getting laid-off. It’s the biggest thing in this town, and for some reason I have no connection to the people directly affected…I hear from my family in other towns about so and so or what not who was lucky enough to have saved some money…or not. Its weird to get my information via newspapers here.

Anyway, this is the beginning and end to my day with classes sandwiched in between.

Glad I shared.

No Insight, Just the Lack of Motivation

I have to study. I've been studying, but I have to study more. Its only the second week of classes and I have no motivation to maintain the level of study in which I actually learn.

I've read 4 out of 8 chapters I need to read and half an article out of 3. Readings are due tomorrow. I think I am going to take a break and go over to a friend's house and eat dinner.

Can someone send some motivation my way.

Oh, Industry Whatever Will Become of Me?

Did you ever know that your my hero? Your everything I wish I could beeee. If I could fly higher than an eagle, you'd be the wind beneath my wings. ~Bette Midler~

I opted for movie renting in lue of actually studying today. Saturday must be a popular rental day b/c there were hardly any new releases I wanted to see left, and my standard backups were gone. I wasn't in the mood for Kate Hepburn or Drew Berrymore. In fact, I am now addicted to Series DVDs. If it was a series shown on HBO or Showtime, I want to rent it. :o). Today's pick was Carnivalle. Its a period piece about carnie folk around the 1930s depression era. Its a mystery about some seerer-dude. He's all forlorned and unhappy b/c he has a special gift and doesn't know who his daddy is. I was intrigued and will leave it at that. Okay, all right...I'll admit it. I picked it because one of the women who acted in But I'm a Cheerleader is in the show.

I also rented Beaches, where tonight's theme song came for the blogg. I love that movie. I realize I am C.C. Bloom, if I had to choose which character I reflect in real life...which to me can be sad. There is a scene where her husband, that Falcon Player's Theatre Director guy, is breaking up with her and he says, "I like where I am at, CC. Here, I'm not afraid or threatened." This line reflects the period in life C.C. is in. She lost her friend b/c she was afraid and felt threatened by her. I can't help self-reflecting the C.C. Bloom of my nature...and as I write this I realize I might be revealing too much about what I like to do when I watch a movie. Yes, people I rent Series DVDs because actors in the show have played queer roles in the past and I over analyze Bette Midler films. I cry at movies too. In fact, I bawled my eyes out when C.C. asks the little girl Victoria if she'd come live with her...I want C.C. to be my mom.

I Beaches!

Rule #1: Let Go and Let Karma

Another day ending, when the sunrise greets me like a sunset.
When the beginning of your day ushers me home to bed.
When the best idea ever invented is me stretched out, hands under pillow,
pillow curved with proper intent beneath my head.

Another over night shift completed. Another day done and I am ready to sleep. I was going to write something funny about karma and how its real...so watch out, but I couldn't make it sound funnier then that show named after that guy Earl, so I changed my mind.

When I started this blogg, I was doing it out of reaction to a friend telling me that she loved to read my words. I continued to write it because I like this self coming from the page. I've written myself on a page for over 22 years starting with my official "diary" at age 7. At this point in my life, there is a part of me that exists in words. Though I still hand write my personal journal and write other prose (including Grad papers!), this medium forces the written part of self to not be so dire or hard pressed to judge me bad. Its like this - writing a blog is like putting the romance back in my relationship with myself in the written word.

Why do I tell you this? Is it the mad ramblings of a very tired girl?...and I feel just like that...a girl these days. Nah, its written with intent, never doubt that. I write this because I get how powerful life is for me right now. I get the importance of the simple confidence of writing myself on a page - flawed, etched, human. I get the importance of my struggles as a flawed, etched, human. I get the significance of GoGo on a Page.

I also get to hide behind a psuedonym, no blogg access to my email address, and simple rules that Dooce passed along in her own flawed, etched, human experience.

Humor's Smile

It looks like 2006 is going to be one of those daily calendars of life lessons for me. One of those calendars that say things like "To be held, you must first open your hands." Then tear off the date and you get "If you feel dizzy, you might want to try breathing." Its kind of funny, in the sense that the universe has decided I am thick headed and has decided to give me a kick in the rear just so I'd get it already. Anyway, here is the life lesson for the day.

MSW Supervisor: GoGo, you are a very self-reliant person.
GoGo: Thanks.
MSW Supervisor: I'm sorry I did not see through it all before.
GoGo: What?
MSW Supervisor: What do you think you get from appearing self-reliant?
GoGo: Don't suppose you take looking like Ralph Waldo Emerson as an answer, would you?
MSW Supervisor: No
GoGo: (In my head) Crap.

*My Co-workers think I need to post that Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote the Essay

Self-Reliance.

You Mean I Have To Feel It? Not Do/Just Feel?!

I have been having a hard time posting. I want to keep this space authentic and about me, without making it about other people (i.e., gossip or like the Caroline King song "You think this song is About You, don't you/don't you") or personal details of my life that exposes too much. Apparently poop is not too personal, but most things in my life these days are...personal or boring. So personal, when I try to make it funny, it comes out sad and pathetic. (You know you've been there, don't judge).

Boring:
Started school. Back to the grindstone. Its all too new to have anything to report and to normal to have anything to make fun of.

Work. I never talk about work-work... I'm getting paid.

Internship. Busy.

Travel: Back to It...Japan or Ireland for Spring break maybe. Found a ticket for $400. I've never been outside the country, I think its time. Don't want to jinx it.

Personal:
crickets chirping. Without giving too much away am nursing a very sore ego and a very young heart. Life is good, life is great; I have much to appreciate. I also am hurting over silly corporeal things I have no control over which has turned into facing some old fears which has turned into having to learn how to love parts of self I don't know how...which has plummeted into life lessons that SUCK! Its all too personal and too specific...and not really all at the same time. Can you guess what it all might be?

At any rate, am learning I am human, and not a super hero when it comes to hurt feelings. Oh, the life lesson went something like this: "You mean I have to feel through it...not do/ just feel?" I got the blues and I don't think good old Katherine Hepburn movies are going to make it better right now. Maybe a Drew Berrymore DVD...but after I get my readings done for this week.

I still believe this is going to be a great year, this GoGo just got a little deflated that's all.

If someone could just point me in the direction of the nearest how to book on life, I would greatly appreciate it. Got any nonchemical, nonnumbing remedies? Smoking's out.

Bus Rides and Grab Bags: Its What I Got Today

Tuesdays are bus days, even if my car was working. :o). I enjoy going from apartment to school and back this way. Its a ritual of quieting myself before class. Also, while my classmates are complaining about parking prices on campus, I get the satification of knowing I spend a dollar for an entire days worth of getting chauffered. But what I get from the bus ride is more than stress reduction from parking hell. Riding the bus is like taking an urban hike through one's own life. I go in and out of the buses listening to the quiet or the noises that life has around me. Today seemed to be an 80s theme in the music filtering in my life.

My routine when I leave my home is, I walk up the street past the civic players building turn right then toward the bus stop. Noises of birds greet my ears or sometimes my neighbor clinking away on some car renovation he is doing for a friend. At the stop, I have come accustomed to the tree that drips on me when it is wet has a specific creak when the wind blows. It comes from this one branch on the east side of it, and I wonder if it will change as it grows. Sometimes I am kept company by the most interesting people, like the man who hates to be late or the girl who has to stand on the right side of people.

The bus itself is like a grab bag of experience. I am either completely internal with myself, quiet...or like a sponge absorbing the energy or conversations of those around me. Sometimes, I engage in conversation. Today was quiet, with the exception of Black Velvet playing from the driver's radio and the left tire seemed louder than the rest.

Now, I am at the computer lab listening to the low hum of conversation around me...someone has a rash(eww)...someone is trying to access that email sent...someone is breaking up over the phone while typing an email while someone punches paper. Me, I am here...I am also getting a good look at rash girl and multitasking breakup girl.

Peace,

The Answer Is...

Many folks have asked me how not smoking is going these days?

This is today’s answer.

I can no longer reach for a cigarette to comfort me, so I comfort myself. I can no longer inhale toxins to numb me, so I breathe and become more awake. I can smell things, though this means I smell bad things better too. :0). My clothes don’t smell, nor by breath. Guilt does not sit within my chest anymore nor the residual feeling that something has control of me.

Time is the event by which we move forward and beyond. She offers us a crevasse between what was and what we will be. Every day is another day easier, yet still connected to the feeling of not smoking. After ten years, smoking is a love affair I give up but not without mourning. Though this connection I feel with it wanes as time moves me forward, I am still connected today.

I find I cry more than I ever have, usually breaking out into horrible sobs that flood my face with tears. People, I’ve wailed a few times…wow!

I spend most of my time alone for fear that I might start again if the situation presents itself. But my head is getting clearer and I am getting closer to things I want for myself.

I avoid nonsmokers/once smokers who tell me that it was the easiest thing they ever did…bull shit and you’re not helping.

I don’t let nonsmokers/never smoked make it about them. AND for my own personal growth I don’t point out a flaw of theirs.

I do incorporate people who can see me for me and support me through this as my thing. AND I realize I have good taste when it comes to the people I incorporate in my life.

Tonight in the Art Gallery: Gender Studies

It Started as 3 Bookshelves and New Dishes

Tonight on the page…clutter. I spent my day watching season II of the L-word and re-gutting my house for the second time this break. Side note, I did not cook! It started out a simple task. Put away a nice set of dishes, put up a couple of book shelves, and pack up my dishes to donate. Then at some point I turned down a very dark alleyway where I believe there might be no way out. Six and some hours later, I have torn apart my bedroom, thrown out a dresser I never used and packed up a whole $*^% load of clothes that I NEVER wear to add to the donation list.

My living room looks like my bedroom puked up its contents all over it and its giving me a bad taste in my mouth. Okay, that might be the dust I inhaled. I just stopped the DVD that’s been background music for my day and looked around. I have no clue what I am doing, people. One of my goals this break was to reorganize my house, but I had actually done that already. My place looks like it did when I started, except in place of piles of articles, documents, and various other forms of crap on paper it’s now overfilled with boxes and clothes…

I believe where I went wrong was when I decided one of the bookshelves could go into my room. I didn’t really have the room for it, so I thought hey, lets move the cedar chest into the closet. If anyone has ever owned a closet of any significant size, you know once you start cleaning out a closet, it’s like a magician’s hat of more and more stuff forgotten about and packed in. I did not find a rabbit, but I did find a whip I have never used nor have any clue where it came from! I admit, it did make me smile though.

It’s still not done either. At this point I believe I have invested myself with a project of paramount size. I have a week left before school starts. 16 hours of my time is devoted to my internship and the weekend to other adventures. The rest of my time – and this is where I swallow hard – is me eliminating all this clutter…oh and actually getting back to organizing my bookshelves.