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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The Answer Is...

Many folks have asked me how not smoking is going these days?

This is today’s answer.

I can no longer reach for a cigarette to comfort me, so I comfort myself. I can no longer inhale toxins to numb me, so I breathe and become more awake. I can smell things, though this means I smell bad things better too. :0). My clothes don’t smell, nor by breath. Guilt does not sit within my chest anymore nor the residual feeling that something has control of me.

Time is the event by which we move forward and beyond. She offers us a crevasse between what was and what we will be. Every day is another day easier, yet still connected to the feeling of not smoking. After ten years, smoking is a love affair I give up but not without mourning. Though this connection I feel with it wanes as time moves me forward, I am still connected today.

I find I cry more than I ever have, usually breaking out into horrible sobs that flood my face with tears. People, I’ve wailed a few times…wow!

I spend most of my time alone for fear that I might start again if the situation presents itself. But my head is getting clearer and I am getting closer to things I want for myself.

I avoid nonsmokers/once smokers who tell me that it was the easiest thing they ever did…bull shit and you’re not helping.

I don’t let nonsmokers/never smoked make it about them. AND for my own personal growth I don’t point out a flaw of theirs.

I do incorporate people who can see me for me and support me through this as my thing. AND I realize I have good taste when it comes to the people I incorporate in my life.


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