Half Baked Truths and Parliments
The air was chilly, my hips hurt from the weight of my thoughts. It was your hips I fell in love with first as they peeked outside the brim of your pants. I loved them because it was easier than loving that laugh too much, how it roared out of your mouth in hiccups. I loved them because your brightness scared me and I thought if I could convince myself I wanted hips like yours on me, that was actually the desire beating in me.
I went for a walk and I honored the genuine side of me, that was not so genuine then. Remembered half baked conversations on the phone when I called you higher than the sky, wanting to tell you this is me trying to get close to you, trying to stay close to you. Remembered that tremble in your voice b/c what I believed kept us close was pushing us further apart. If I could tell you I loved you, I would never have stayed so high for so long.
I went for a walk and enveloped myself in the memory of you - of that night when we cried in the receiver repeating to each other "I don't know why I'm crying." I know why today. I cried because I could never tell you, how much I loved you and wanted you to stay, and you were crying because you got me high for the first time, taught me to smoke, and you knew I loved you and you couldn't stay. Indirect conversations and half-baked undertones, seem so much clearer now when there is nothing between me and this memory anymore. Nothing to hide me from you.
Half baked truths and parliments. Half of us were together while the other was on our way. Its silly you know. You've reinvented yourself in my days, from one girl before to a few more. Each time, I wanted to say, stay with me. See me, love me, and don't stop calling me beautiful.
Went walking a silent town, down the street toward the river. Turning the internalized into internal trips - down, into, through and out. This time, I know who needs to stay with me. Me. See me. I. Love Me. Self. And I won't stop calling myself beautiful...but i will always love you.