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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Diary of a Nonsmoker: Day 15

Quiting smoking means my heart beat is faster, my lungs are getting more oxygen and there is this thump thump thump mixed with a high hum in my chest. It means I am healing. It also means that I find myself besides myself ready to jump. My pulse and blood pressure are just fine, but my body feels this pulse that beats closer to living and is a little overwhelming. I'm not going to label it anything, except a beat faster than I am accustomed to. Maybe its that twitter of self-love brewing in my chest.

In any case, my heart is beating faster and it causes my hands to shake a minor key to it all. I am surprised at how I am not in the mood to over eat and in fact I have found my appetite has decreased these days. I still miss smoking, but I know what it gave me I can get from learning how to ground myself in other ways. Ways that take time and patience and a little bit of focus on my part.

Damn its hard and my days are two-folded. Fold one is me feeling through this shame and human flawedness that just wants to give into the fuck its and be less of myself. Fold two is me loving this self-care knowing its easier than lighting a cigarette. Wanting to be this person I am trying to be. This part knows my herstory and loves me for getting to this place. I am beautifully human and if smoking is the hardest thing I have to face these days, then so be it. But damn its hard.

Ten years with minor time off, I'll take a little tremble of heart and soul if it means I am coming closer to climbing that mountain I always wanted to.

5 things I intend to do now:
Climb a mountain
hand glide
run 1 race
Run and Play as much as I can
Learn how to sing better



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