I Will Not Be Afraid of Women

Once upon a time ago, I was at a crossroad where my outside world did not fit what was inside, and what was inside was something I had no connection to. Serious. I worked solely for money and benefits. Everyday, I woke up dreading going to work and wishing I were somewhere other than the place I was. So, I quit. I had enough money to last me two months for rent, food, and that was about it. I spent those months being as industrious as I could be, panhandling my plasma and working a part time job at a peace organization. I had no clue what I was doing or what the hell my next step was. Then, one day I came across an ad in a Lesbian Magazine for Michigan for a Bookkeeping Assistant position at a Woman owned and Women ran Music Company. If your a lesbian and have gone to festival, you know of the place I am talking about.

Once upon this time ago, a very confused woman started working with 13 independent and very different women and she learned hard lessons that were loving lessons. I spent today revisiting this important place I worked at for 3 years, counting CDs for inventory. I guess I am writing this entry for anyone who might need to learn from others experiences or maybe to write them out to remember them myself. I am also writing to Thank these women with a Capital T for giving me their love, experiences, and let’s face it, a big kick in the ass.

Sometimes I get so focused on my life, I forget to look up. I came into this place a primordial ooze of self, living out patterns taught by family, and complaining about everything. I knew I wanted something different, but had too much “poor me” attitude to know how to do it different. For those who have ever been around a group of women who know how to love one another and as Dar Williams would say, not be afraid of women, then you know the “poor me” had to go.

I learned to look up and see. See the women around me and love them as they were. See the beauty of me – a complex mix of strength and ingenuity…and I learned I can do pretty much any task laid out in front of me. I also learned I am a very resistant detailed oriented person. I am spoiled by my strengths and expect the world to see it my way. When I let go of these last two things, I am a better person. When I let go of these things, I can incorporate the flawed parts of self that are just as beautiful, and dare I say more beautiful than the parts who try to be perfect.

Even now, as I sit here rolling my thoughts over the time there, I am in awe of how much I gained from this place. I travel through the warehouse in my head where the shelves are covered with women musicians, as we counted them in and out for the world. Were the warehouse women taught me to stop seeing the world as a dead end trip. Down the East Wing my thoughts carry me where I worked with the number crunching pussy powered women who taught me that I need to appreciate my stubbornness, but also reel it in when the time is needed. Into the bathroom that was our congregation place for jokes written on the wall. We wrote our stories in drawings and words. How many times did I walk by to hear laughter while someone was taking their daily constitution?

I turn left in my head down the sales wing, where women let me learn from them what all this music means. Where my boss gave me a key to a car and told me to travel the country and sell this music. I took those keys and learned on the road how much life is a trip, and I am the driver. I also learned there is a dyke pretty much anywhere who will take you in for a night and good conversation. I move down to the last office where a musician co-worker/friend of mine played me her new songs as they formed in her world. Who also taught me to relax and just have a good time.

Thanks, Women of G, you gave me exactly what I was looking for when I decided to jump into my life. You taught me to not be afraid of women.

Love, GoGo