Tonight in the Art Gallery

This is my new find in blogville. Click here if you too love photos, photography, or simply appreciate a good shot or two. Definitely a fun page for the photography lover.

~Tootles. GoGo

Um, I thought I'd actually post.

I fold up yesterday softly into my pocket, the residuals of two years summed up in a ceremony invite. My list is almost complete, I am just that many steps, out of what felt like a thousand baby steps, closer to the prize. There is a little butterfly dancing in the belly, a tiny thing not sure what to do with the free time. A flutter of anticipation; I interviewed for a new job today. One thing begins its end; I open myself to the beginning of new things. One step closer to London, making more money to hold onto for the journey. Its still here, but its meant to get me there.

I go home, knocking on my own door to let me in. A steady beat under my shirt, I enter. I am not sure what to do with myself, except smile and avoid those side-kick piles steep against my wall for one more night. I begin to think about cleaning my home, so I can prepare to pack up my life. It’s time to decide what goes into storage, what is given away, and what is to be recycled. It’s time to wash my walls of its herstory, my story built up from three years living here – four before I go. I pause realizing that all this time I have given myself to prepare for moving across the sea has done nothing to comfort the impetuousness in it all, but left room for the constant twitter of disbelief that I am really doing this. I am really doing this.

In the last week, I came full circle. Feeling unsure, a little isolated, and not knowing anyone the first month in school, I was considered a non-traditional student because of my age. I was one of four lesbians in the program. I was living alone. It just felt weird. That first semester was me just trying to figure out what I was looking for in this whole experience, besides the degree. Then, my own quirky self kind of just fit in. Labels were removed and I found myself being this self without apology or doubt. Time took care of the rest. I walked into my 30s during this time. Walked into an age that felt comfortable. I should admit, past 25, all ages feel comfortable. I said goodbye to so many these last few weeks. People who have shared in the blood, sweat and tears in this entire school thing. I already have coffee dates and promised guests for London. Already know I will see many again on this universal path. Knowing this circle does not end here.

Now, its time to stop, take out my yesterday from the pocket and place it quietly on the bedside table. Time to put away all these thoughts. Time to sleep before tomorrow.

Check List to Graduation

Check List:

1 Support Group (CHECK)

3 days left of internship (CHECK)



1 Graduation gown to purchase (CHECK)
1 Presentation regarding internship (CHECK)
1 Learning Agreement Assessment to write (CHECK)
3 dishes to make for the last day of classes (CHECK)
1 RFP Paper for the psuedo program development course (I honestly cannot remember what RFP stands for, not a good sign) (CHECK)
5 phone calls to return regarding how stressed we all are (CHECK)
1 Relay for Life volunteer experience (CHECK)
1 Induction ceremony for Phi Alpha (CHECK)
1 Exeriental Learning Paper (CHECK)
1 Policy Analysis Paper regarding Medicare Part D Drug Negotiations (CHECK)
Make a list (CHECK)

and a partridge in a pair tree....

In short, I want it to be the end of next week! It's getting closer

Excuse me, I am now going to scream! boi, did that feel good.

Smiles ~GoGo

a pause, a thought, and then goodbye.

She smiles, a coy smile, the edges of her lips curled up as though she gets the inside joke of all inside jokes. She leans over and whispers in your ear, words you’ve waited to hear since you first met her, and suddenly you’re on the inside too. It’s nice to be on the inside.

~February 12, 1995~ For MN.

A friend of mine died last week. I haven’t seen her in years. I remember once we promised to keep in touch, promised to get together, and then time just made those promises irrelevant. I don’t think I’d even think about seeing her again, until I learned she’s gone. Not that I wouldn’t have loved to see her, but there was always time, a future to meet in. I know she probably felt the same way. At some point, at some time, it would have been nice to see this distant part of the past…just later, okay. So, in my world, I am learning how to say goodbye. More importantly, I am learning I don’t like this unresolved feeling of unfulfilled promises I’ve made.

I wrote a goodbye this weekend for this page, then removed it from public view. I guess there is a part of me that wants to share a really important person in my life back when I was 18 years old, and yet I don’t know if I should all at the same time. 18 was a crazy, whirlwind time for me, and for my friend, it was the same year where who she became had to be decided. Public view for a time spoken only to a private few? Ironically, I am a very private person. I just happen to be playing with this medium. Yet, there is this huge part of this self who wants to publicly offer a memorial for my friend. You were a fragile butterfly who let me see your wings drying in the sun. You were humor’s storyteller, a candid friend. Someone who lived in a time and a place on my journey and am glad you came into my path. I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise to see you again. I’m sorry for this churning inside me for some unresolved goodbye, we probably never would have had anyway. I’m sorry I can’t make your funeral. And yet, am thankful, grateful, and better for having known you.

Here I have been worrying about my life changing, and all those goodbyes for folks I care about, and you slipped in a new one I wasn’t planning. You and Robert. Death is a morbid state of affairs. It’s so permanent. I know an obvious statement. But I figure, we all must face its understanding at some point. And yet, there is joy. Joy to know how important you were for me. Joy for the privilege of knowing you. Joy in the sharing and knowing.

Mari, thank you for sharing time on this journey.

With love,

Amanda

sounds about right

Then & Now:

When I graduated from undergrad, I had Mono. I had some serious symptoms my last semester. I was sleeping all the time. I had a hard time going to class and pretty much spent most of my time in this fatigue filled fog. At that time, I was convinced I was not adjusting well to the changes happening with graduating like leaving friends, finding a job…moving back to my parents’ house to help with my little brother. In fact, it wasn’t until a month after I graduated going to my 2nd day of a new job that I learned I had mono. I had a high fever, could barely stand, and felt like it was freezing outside…it was June.

I went to the doctor’s office instead of work, feeling absolutely guilty for calling in my 2nd day. At the Doc’s this nurse tried to get my height, but I could barely stand. She was obviously annoyed as she kept saying, “You need to stand straight!” She kept saying it over and over again like I was some moron, until finally I said back, “If I could stand straight, don’t you think I’d do it just to stop you from yelling at me!” I was surprised and so was she. The next thing I know, she seemed to have snapped out of her bad mood, taking my swiveling gait as a sign of something serious. My temp was 103 degrees and I was sent to lie down in an exam room while the nurse took blood and had it instantly tested. The results came back with end stage Mono.

I learned my symptoms from my last semester were Mono related not a bought of Adjustment Disorder NOS. Though I am sure it was an adjustment to graduate, the seriousness of my fatigue was certifiably physical, not psychological. It’s a little scary that I just assumed I wasn’t handling life changes very well and ignored my symptoms. Since then, I have become very aware that I often will negate my colds, sore joints, and anything medically related to psychological events. To which I have learned to stop and remind myself that I should see a doctor anyway because chances are pretty good I am not depressed but overpopulated with one virus or other.

I am coming up to graduation for the Masters degree. Many life changes hang in the distance. I am not sleeping all the time like I did that last undergrad semester. There is no fatigue, except for the cause and effect of a late night writing a paper. There is no underpinning of fear that I am not doing this graduation thing right.

I figure I don’t have Mono this time around.

Mac's Bar

I recently went to see a friends of mine play at a local bar. I had a good time listening to the music and taking photos. Nice break from the grad school routine.

"I haven't done diddly for graduation"

It’s snowing outside. It’s been snowing for weeks. I don’t know why. Global warming, fluke weather. All I know is, it’s snowing. I’m done with snow.

Suddenly everything feels manageable after feeling quite full of graduate school the last few months. I am down to 3 papers and a presentation, and my last 3 weeks. They’re big papers, but I’ve gotten all the nasty research out of the way and written my outlines. Very excited to almost be done. I do have a summer class. Well one class and two seminars, but this is nothing in comparison to I've completed.

I am so excited to be walking in May, I can’t even contain myself. I love the conversations floating around the classroom right now. Everyone’s trying to see who is going to the graduation ceremonies and bargaining to get folks to go. Apparently, I am not the only person who hasn’t bought the gown or as my friend next to me just said, “I haven’t done diddly for graduation.”

I have to remind myself that I am not going to see many good friends after this semester, and more after I leave for London. I think the hardest part about transitions is loosing the connection with folks I have built over time. I know some stay and change with life’s changes, some fade away, and some are found again in some distant time not yet here. In the moment though, it is this kind of loss that is the hardest to feel. And yet, I am very excited to make new connections, explore life as it unfolds in this new unknown. Very excited to unpack my bag of all these text books hanging heavy on my shoulder...Very excited.

Jumping into life can be hard. Jumping into graduate school wasn’t always easy. I did it and came out better for it. Now, I move toward jumping into something even harder – moving to another country. I remind myself I want to be a person who faces life. It’s not the end result, but the striving that I want to be present with. I don’t mind if I complain, just as long as I am present. I am leaving at the beginning of September. I need this time to make the money to go (‘cause I have big dreams but a shallow pocket). I also need my final class out of the way and transcripts to enter the country as a Social Worker. This is my journey to come and as I wind down grad school, I suddenly feel ready to focus. I so cannot wait to check out the local music seen in London, finding a writing class and perhaps a photograhy class over there, besides the traveling.

Ah, another ramble. I start with snow and end with London. Everything in between is me.

~GoGo

Count me down, but not out

I just passed the one month marker toward graduating. Yes, that’s right this GoGo’s going to be graduating May 4th. I am very excited, albeit tired at this moment. It’s a double edge date. On one edge, all nice and shiney is the symbolic finality of this 2 year program (i.e., graduation ceremonies). I have worked hard (internship, school, work – oh my!) and cannot believe the end is so near. On the other edge, all sharp and pointy, it’s a countdown date for all the final projects due, forms to submit and the cap and gown to buy. In other words, every day toward that date brings me closer to another deadline.

I find it ironic because last year I totally made fun of my friend The Chief (all Hail), who waited till the last minute to purchase her own cap and gown. Not in a bad way, but most definitely had a laugh on her account. Hey now, her gyrlfriend, Driftwood, laughed with me. The poetic justice in this is I too find myself pushing the envelope in purchasing the thing. Yeah. Let Go and Let Karma I always say. ;)

Anywho, I wanted to publicly state I am aware the cap and gown is SOO a last minute buy.

Here I am nearing the end of what really was the primary relationship I had to this blog - school. My experiences are coming to an end. I began this blog as I started school. I wonder, will I continue my residence in blogville after I graduate? I still don’t know. I am no Dooce, no Twitches, no Daring To Write. What I am is a little bummed out at this moment. I want to write the reflections and life stories as I countdown to graduation, EXCEPT currently the pointy side of my countdown is keeping me a little distracted.

You know, the more I think about it, this GoGo feels misinformed by faculty who told us the first semester was the hardest but failed to mention the last semester is the busiest. I'm just saying a little "Dude, you're screwed" would have been helpful.

Smiles.

Ah well. If I am not heard from this month, know that I am well and heading toward another finish line…Thee finish line.

The Ironman of finish lines.

As Always With a Smile and a Laugh,

GoGo