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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

a pause, a thought, and then goodbye.

She smiles, a coy smile, the edges of her lips curled up as though she gets the inside joke of all inside jokes. She leans over and whispers in your ear, words you’ve waited to hear since you first met her, and suddenly you’re on the inside too. It’s nice to be on the inside.

~February 12, 1995~ For MN.

A friend of mine died last week. I haven’t seen her in years. I remember once we promised to keep in touch, promised to get together, and then time just made those promises irrelevant. I don’t think I’d even think about seeing her again, until I learned she’s gone. Not that I wouldn’t have loved to see her, but there was always time, a future to meet in. I know she probably felt the same way. At some point, at some time, it would have been nice to see this distant part of the past…just later, okay. So, in my world, I am learning how to say goodbye. More importantly, I am learning I don’t like this unresolved feeling of unfulfilled promises I’ve made.

I wrote a goodbye this weekend for this page, then removed it from public view. I guess there is a part of me that wants to share a really important person in my life back when I was 18 years old, and yet I don’t know if I should all at the same time. 18 was a crazy, whirlwind time for me, and for my friend, it was the same year where who she became had to be decided. Public view for a time spoken only to a private few? Ironically, I am a very private person. I just happen to be playing with this medium. Yet, there is this huge part of this self who wants to publicly offer a memorial for my friend. You were a fragile butterfly who let me see your wings drying in the sun. You were humor’s storyteller, a candid friend. Someone who lived in a time and a place on my journey and am glad you came into my path. I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise to see you again. I’m sorry for this churning inside me for some unresolved goodbye, we probably never would have had anyway. I’m sorry I can’t make your funeral. And yet, am thankful, grateful, and better for having known you.

Here I have been worrying about my life changing, and all those goodbyes for folks I care about, and you slipped in a new one I wasn’t planning. You and Robert. Death is a morbid state of affairs. It’s so permanent. I know an obvious statement. But I figure, we all must face its understanding at some point. And yet, there is joy. Joy to know how important you were for me. Joy for the privilege of knowing you. Joy in the sharing and knowing.

Mari, thank you for sharing time on this journey.

With love,




Blogger BendingPeak said...

I am sorry for you loss.
Thinking about you and your changing season.

7:42 PM, April 17, 2007  

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