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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

the internal compass gearing to go

I was inspired to try and write this from someone else’s page today, putting words to this leaving thing I am doing. I hold onto what is happening for me like I’m holding my breath. I was glad to get the reminder to breathe.

I’ve been talking about leaving this town for some time, ready to move onto the next adventure in this GoGo’s life. It’s taking some serious prep-work to get on the road, as I need to prepare months in advance. Recently, I’ve been getting this upwelling of loss. I want to savor every moment, every friend, and every experience I still have left here. It reminds me of when my grandmother was dieing, and I decided to remember the color of the sky. I believed if I could remember the color, I could remember her. One would think I’d tried to remember her face, but for some reason I could see the sky better.

It’s hard to put words to what I am feeling and the thoughts roaming in my head. Most of it hasn’t formed in a palette of color to put here on this page; it’s all a mix of colors blending into grey. Interpretation, I don’t know how to talk about it. I want to try though. Like at work today, I found myself laughing with my co-workers and this sudden realization that they are not going to be in my life much longer hit me. Then I thought about the friends I’ll be saying good bye to. This time I am saying good bye to them as I leave, instead of watching them head out into the world. It was much easier watching friends go and know there would be some who I’d never loose connection to and some who would fall away to the distance time brings, then watching myself go. By this time next year, I’m going to be somewhere else probably feeling isolated while I try to get my bearings. I’ll also be having a good time stretching myself…

…Yeah, honestly I have no clue what it will look like for me.

I get that seasons change and time takes us where we need to go. I get that loss makes room for growth. I get that this choice to step out of the State and do things I only dreamt someone else could is a good choice forward. I’m not leaving to find myself, but that the self I have found wants to go and grow, while collecting more of this me. I want to send my little Bo his letters from another country and find some new neighborhood to explore. Ride my bike down another river trail daily. The writer wants more material to work from. I want to position myself to know the next town I settle in will be the place I buy a home (hopefully while it is still a buyers market). I want to leave this town and travel the world. I want to feel the wings that hug these shoulders, and yet it doesn’t make it easier.

I find I already miss so many things and people. I guess it’s a reflection of the internal compass gearing to go. I don’t like the feelings though. It brings up the question, will I be remembered when I go? I answer with this, those who will remember are blessed and those who will not are gifted (Saying from my Gramps). Seriously, I know it’s a deeper insecurity meant to be self-loved and has no barring on those who I care for. Leaving then gives me an opportunity to heal this old voice at the root. It also brings up other habits of already distancing this self to make sure I don’t get hurt. Damn those defense mechanisms…damn my degree in mental health…damn Freud!
No wait, this is a good thing.

I want to remember every color, every person, every corner and smell so I can carry it all with me, so I can review the memory whenever I need something of home to hold onto. And that is it, I suppose. This place was my home…is my home. Still, I am ready to go…still, I will miss this place…knowing the time left feels like I am treading a new path already. This path greets me with both gratefulness for my time and sadness for how limited it feels.

And this is what I have tonight, between work, holiday shopping, and Survivor…a bluesy AND A VERY CRAMPY gyrl who is trying to make sense of this “going thing” I’m doing.

The photos are various photographers I've collected, click them to see the names.

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Blogger Rose of Sharon said...

You're the expert in mental health and psychology, but here's my 2 cents.

You're taking inventory of your life, your phases, your friends and that is something important as you take this step forward, as you said, as your internal compass is gearing up.

I think it's important for you to look around these next few months, to savor the moments you have there for they are important for you to remember and imprint on your life for your upcoming new experiences.

Personally I am excited for this new journey that you are going on and I look forward to reading more about your thought processes one everything. I am glad that even during this downtime of your life/holidays, that you are finding something within yourself to work on.

Thanks for sharing! I look forward to hearing more about you.

10:53 PM, December 14, 2006  
Blogger Kamsin said...

This is really beautifully written. In every decision and new path there is both loss and gain, when you are following your heart usually the gains are greater than the losses, in the long run. Doesn't mean it won't take some getting used to and some greiving. That's my experience anyway.

7:27 AM, December 15, 2006  
Blogger BendingPeak said...

This makes perfect sense. It sounds like you are grieving the anticipated loss. And as hard as it is to deal with a loss it will be benicifial for you to start to think and write about it now.
I wish I would have done that with my moving process, instead I was so wraped up with the end product that I overlooked the process.
Keep writing and being honest with your friends about how much they mean to you and the potential loss that you feel.
Thinking of you,

11:17 AM, December 15, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate the genuine words.


3:14 AM, December 16, 2006  
Blogger renovating this heart said...

this is just awesome. I have so much more to say, but can't get all the words out. There's just so many of them. I understand all your feelings.... and how confusing they must be to have at the same time. I'm thinking of you very often.... and so proud of you as I watch the growth that's happening in you. You are amazing.

8:20 PM, December 16, 2006  
Blogger paris parfait said...

It's always difficult to make a huge life-affirming change, but your friends will still be your friends, wherever you go. You're just moving on to the next chapter. But enjoying where you are now is also important. Lovely, thoughtful post, Amanda.

10:48 AM, December 17, 2006  
Blogger JourneyThroughLIfe said...

I became totally absorbed in this post, GG. It was incredible. So many things drew me in. But one sentence in particular really stuck out...
"I’m not leaving to find myself, but that the self I have found wants to go and grow, while collecting more of this me."
A beautiful phrase and so reflective of your whole post. You sound so ready to do all this. It's just a matter of travelling through the changes. And they are a journey in themselves.
Wishing you all that you need!

5:37 AM, December 19, 2006  
Anonymous pluto said...

"I’m not leaving to find myself, but that the self I have found wants to go and grow, while collecting more of this me."

This was my favorite line, though your entire post was beautifully written and expressed. I've done the grand "once in a life-time" adventure myself (and hope to explore such paths again.) I woke up one morning on the earth's other side and, let me tell you, there's nothing quite like it. It's a stretch of soul, imagination and feeling.

But you are already wiser than I was. I did leave to find myself or, as I told myself, to discover a home that would accept me. Turned out that the only home for me is the one I carry on my back. My turquoise turtle shell.

I appreciate your visual need to keep every color as a token of memory. And I hope that, as you walk in yourself, your sadness at saying goodbye and the anticipation of new discoveries will reveal beautiful layers that you will render honestly and boldly wrap into your own rich tapestry of self.

Thanks for writing this post.

11:09 AM, December 21, 2006  

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