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Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A Look Through the Window

This new internship is different then the last one in regards to feeling comfortable. Last year, the Community Center had a smaller number of folks working there and a more casual feel. Working at a Veterinary Hospital has a much different feel as I walk past numbers of people I have never met, have no clue what they are doing and in turn they know nothing about me. In part, I feel cushioned by this anonymity of a working crowd. I am one of a number of people. However, when it comes to being…oh the social worker sometimes it’s hard riding the periphery of this place. I am supposed to get the staff and clients comfortable with the idea that I am around for counseling services – particularly in a crisis situation. Sometimes I hover on the periphery waiting to see if I can help someone, wondering if I am the interloper watching. I personally know that I don’t feel comfortable being watched for emotional reactions to things. I’m always accessing where everyone’s comfort level is including my own. I am also taking liberties to simply ask people if my presence is needed. Now mind this, everyone at the Vet Hospital wants this service provided. This program benefits all involved to have a person on staff that can focus on the crisis stressors in a situation. With that said, I am the new one in a pretty established routine. I can liken it to being the new kid in school – awkward, isolating, exciting, and sometimes just plain weird.

Earlier in the day, I was processing myself in regards to these feelings. How does it feel to be the new kid? Am I pressuring myself to be at a level (Social Work skill wise) that takes time? What should I being doing today to take care of myself? You know the usual touchy feely, check in kind of stuff.

While doing this, a memory popped through my head of looking through the window of the 6th grade class when I was in 3rd grade. (I do this often). I went to an elementary school that was shaped like an L. On one wing was 1st thru 3rd with kindergarten the Caboose and 4th thru 6th in the other wing with the gym/cafeteria/auditorium the corner of the L. It was a big thing for 3rd graders to get excited about 4th grade because they we were moving into the next wing of the school. In a sense, it was our first right of passage where we were officially the big kids. Coming back to the story that came into my head, I remembered being in 3rd grade looking through the 6th grade window with a friend. We were watching the last grade in this school reading a selected novel in class. I remember the books were huge! They were thick and blocky, and gave off this intimidating presence of I AM A BIG BOOK! I can remember thinking how slightly intimidated I felt by watching them read. Though I was excited to some day be in the 6th grade and read that size book, I also had trepidations. How would I ever be ready to read something that size? I remembered that my friend and I talked about that. In kid form, we gabbed about what it would be like to be reading that book in 6th grade to look up and see 3rd graders watching us with amazement in their eyes.

I held this memory turning the corner of grades in our school, into fourth grade and beyond. I even remember reading those huge books in 6th grade realizing they weren’t so scary after all, and I wasn’t behind as I worried I would be. I use to look up in 6th grade out the same window wondering if there would be 3rd graders looking in.

The memory, like the true grace of universal lessons, reminded me that I am right were I am at right now in regards to my internship. I’m like the 3rd grader a little intimidated by this new world through the window, but knows soon enough I’ll be on the other side doing fine.

Well, I'm not actually a 3rd grader, more like a 30 year old intern at a Vet clinic....but I hope you get my point. :O).


Blogger BendingPeak said...

I loved this post. It completly makes sense to me. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to do something that we are not ready to do yet? I too face these same fear being in grad school, I want to have the skills mastered but I too have to be patient.
Anyway, thanks for the reminder that I am only able to do what I am meant to do at this moment.

3:22 PM, September 21, 2006  
Blogger Wenda said...

I, too, appreciate the reminder and I loved this post. My mind is now looking in and out of the windows of my own classrooms.

4:39 PM, September 22, 2006  

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