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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

If I Don't Move To London, it's 'Cause I Bought a Cat

Disclaimer: Free Thought Ramble that needed a public forum to be just as it is!


Wow! I tell you, my dayz are full. A good kind of full. What is taking up my time is…well school. My internship this year is at the University Veterinary Hospital. Yes, that’s right…an animal hospital. My job as a social worker is working with the clients who are in crisis. Those who have animals can probably attest that their pets are like family members. When we see them suffer or have to make really hard choices about life or death, sometimes its good to have someone in your corner listening, advocating, and offering resources. That’s where I come in. What I like about this particular internship is that this program is at the ground floor. I get to help develop this program, as well as develop evaluation protocols. I also get to hone my counseling skills in another setting outside of mental health organizations. In other words, I get to build skills I intend to use in my master plan to take over the world. Please stay tuned. :O).

I thought that this internship would curtail my need for a pet of my own, but I feel more wanting of a pet then ever before. Since I am moving to London I do not think this is a good idea at this time. About 2 years ago I helped to save an abandoned cat in winter. I wasn’t living a lifestyle conducive to cat care. I worked two jobs and traveled every month for the music company job. I did get this cat her shots and helped her care for 6 kittens she gave birth to. She was pregnant when she came into my charge. I believe that was why I came into her life. I found each one a good home, and made sure Mom was healthy. By the way, my cat’s name was Basil. I know, very cute. Unfortunately, I was not home enough to qualify as a good pet mom/owner/caregiver, albeit at the shelter, she wouldn’t have lived because of the pregnancy.

My goals were to get back to school, and I needed two jobs to make this happen. There is no GoGo Trust fund in my world or a GoGo Visa. It’s my dollar that gets me anywhere I want to go. I traveled for one job because it made the constant workload feel a little less heavy. I’ve lived in this State all of my life and knew in order to leave this State, I had to see the other ones. These were my goals at the time. I had friends take care of her while I was gone, but still how fair is it to the cat? Not very.

I’ve grown up with pets. Dogs, cats, rabbits… an abandoned goat. I was raised knowing what a good pet owner was, what animals needed, and the contract one has with a pet when one becomes a pet owner. With Basil, I was like the proverbial husband bringing home the bacon, but barely home for a good rub. It’s just an analogy…don’t go there.

This time around, I was not a good cat owner.

I did the next best thing and found her a good owner with 3 other cats to live with. I waited long enough for the kittens to be old enough to go to good homes, and gave her to this woman once all her kittens were gone. This was a very hard thing. I made the decision without telling my friends and then proceeded to mourn without telling anyone. When I say mourn, I mean every time I saw one of her forgotten toys, I balled! Every time someone asked me where Basil was, I gave the generic answer then cried later. I finally got to a place to ask myself, why am I not sharing this? I realized because I felt ashamed that I wasn’t ready to make room for a cat. I think I am in a place now where I can honor both the pet owner I want to be, the student I needed to become, and the part of myself who did help Basil through a transition. I also can say, I’m still certain I need to be in a settled place in my life or at least moving within the United States to own an animal.

I am glad I helped Basil, and still wish I could have been present with her. I know I want to take this big leap to London and it wouldn’t be fair to a cat or dog. I don’t want a goat. I also don’t think I could ever give up a pet again…I want to be in a place where we’re together until one of us dies.

I’m not marrying the cat, I’m just saying.

Anyway, I am excited about the internship. I’m surprised it’s brought up herstory of mine. I find my time busy right now with it all, but I’m enjoying this experience. It’s given me a place to learn at the professional level, while healing/connecting/being at the self level.

I still miss you, Baze.

~ GoGo

4 Comments:

Blogger Zyphre said...

It sounds like you're a really caring pet owner - giving up Basil to someone around more was very giving.

8:29 AM, September 13, 2006  
Blogger paris parfait said...

Lovely tribute to Basil - it's terrific that you looked after her and the kitties and found them all good homes. It sounds like a fascinating internship!

4:39 PM, September 13, 2006  
Blogger The dykes next door said...

There are a lot of people out there who own pets and don't care if they are giving them what they need. I once knew someone who owned about 15 cats. I wondered how she was able to give each one enough attention. She said that she did, but I doubted it. You would have to be home a LOT to give 15 cats separate attention. You WERE a good and caring pet owner. You cared for Basil enough to find a home for her with people who would take the time to care for her the way she deserved to be cared for. AND you found homes for the kittens...that's a tough job sometimes. Maybe after you are at the Vet Clinic for a while, the yearning for a pet of your own will subside. And speaking of that, your internship sounds fantastic! I know that you are excited and that you will enjoy it.

11:19 PM, September 13, 2006  
Blogger Wenda said...

Thanks for mourning out loud.

2:58 PM, September 15, 2006  

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