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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

i just wanted to write poop-y over & over

What the hell am I doing here tonight? I’ve kind of lost the point again of this blog. Am I a writer trying to share some creations, building my tool block? Am I a journalist of my own life? Am I a mystic dancing the rim of light that experiences shed in our lives? Am I just a person with way too many things to say?

Perhaps I am all these things. Perhaps I am simply a writer who has a page.

I’m sitting at the coffee shop again tonight. Its Chess Night here and folks of all ages are playing the game downstairs. I wish I had time to play. I want to learn from the kids down there. The best lessons a person can learn are from children I think. Besides I hear there is this kid who can take anybody down in minutes. Yeah, I’d like to get my chess butt kick by this kid! Speaking of kids, the babysitting gig I have these days has been a very calming experience in my life. It’s nice to put my life down and focus on someone else who is just beginning to learn to relate to the world. Just getting a smile back, makes the whole thing worth it. I’m watching this wee thing learn something new every time I watch her, and somehow that humbles me. Of course, so does the poop-y diaper changing. :O).

I’m at the coffee shop to work on the research thing. From last week to this one, I have gone from this isn’t going to happen to I am now approved to start the Internal Review Board process. I’ve barely had time to prepare for the significance in all this. I kind of wish I had more time with the “possibly maybe” part of it all. There was less responsibility there. I am now officially the proprietor of a research project. I am now officially building a program and documenting its progress. There is pressure with this. I am scared.

Its funny how this new responsibility has brought up feelings I didn’t know I was having until I am in the middle of something else. It has quieted some other fears I’ve been playing out ‘cause I had the time. Without the time, I welcome this silence, but in the silence I realized the noise I was living in before. And it was noisy. This has definitely brought up some poop-y stuff that needs to be changed. Hmm. I find this a beautiful statement of living. I’m still scared…still left realizing how I’ve spent my time when I had it…still not sure what I am doing. But sitting with it feels beautiful.

In the middle of all this, I am feeling tired. I’m not the only one, which in a sick way is comforting. There is not a day that goes by that I am not talking to someone in my school program who doesn’t share the same tired expressions. It’s a comfort to know that I am not the only one. It also makes for a good b!tch fest to know we are all feeling pushed to limits we never wanted to tread. I realized though that the reason why I can fall asleep so quickly is the fact that I need it more then not. So, I look forward to the day that all of this is balanced again. There is a part of this self that feels disappointed in myself, like I should know the best way to do everything, including getting my 8hours of balanced sleep. Like I should life without multitasking, but I just don't know how to get it all done. What if I am not supposed to know? I have to let go of being the zen master of doing things right. Ah, another old way I’ve learned to live. There is a story in that statement, but it doesn’t belong here. Not tonight.

The electoral heat is rising; politicians fling poop-y statements back and forth as we are divided into camps of right and left. Sometimes, I remember I have two hands – one right and one left. I appreciate the use of both and would harbor sadness if I lost the use of one. That’s the analysis of what I think of this bi-party government of ours. This is why I do not write about politics. For me, neither side gets what needs to be done. They seem like magnets playing out that old kid’s game of polar opposites, forgetting that there is more to life then being the opposite of something. I think our government is a reflection of old habits that do not work anymore. The problem is, I think both sides are so focused on proving they are right, that they aren’t focusing on the changes that need to be made. It’s an old game, perhaps the only one most know how to play. I am burning a candle for this country. Besides voting, which I plan to do, and being the social activist I am in my personal realm, it’s the other thing I know how to do. I burn a light for us to see it before its too late and we have lost the use of both our hands.

And my last words tonight are for my Mother and Father. My Dad has been struggling for over a year now with a low blood count. My Mother, the ever diligent nurse, has worked with doctors from all specialties to find out why. She is tired and so is he. Both work hard to support my brother and my sister and in the middle of it all are struggling with this unknown illness of my Dad’s. They are going through some poop-y sh!t these days. How I feel is mine to keep for now, but they are in my thoughts and never stop to be there. I wanted to give them a moment on this page too.

1 Comments:

Blogger renovating this heart said...

I'm sorry for your dad's unknown illness. That must be frustrating (and scary) for all of you. They're in my thoughts.

11:02 PM, October 28, 2006  

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