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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

addressing the gossip

yeah, i'm sharing a universal byproduct of living it seems. I unfortunately know many can relate.

after hearing some gossip about this self; a poem written
anger brewnig, fear wanting to be shed.
Do I go to the source and try to repair?
Do I walk away once again, further out of view?
Do I run faster then my pace will carry
because I really don't know what to do?
Do I cry these tears, stinging my eyes
or rub my brow with these pursed knuckles?
Do I take reprieve in that long learned lesson -
it really is better to let others spin their wheels,
taking simple pleasure knowing that though
they defame me, reframing minds of people
who don't even know me, this ugly is their
ugly and they are giving power to it?
Do I ask advice from friends,
another game of telephone,
I just won't play in?
Or do I sit in silence choosing
not to engage?
Do I laugh it off, hoping that
something higher steps in
and saves my name?
Do I question why it is my
problem anyway to make amends
when I have done nothing wrong?
Do I send out a press release to
this small community of lesbians
and say, "Please, don't listen!"
Or do I settle for the simplicity
of knowing this is only validation
for what kind of person this
person turned out to be after all?
Do I breathe in deep, run around
the track, shedding it in physical
exercise then mental exacerbation
because there is really nothing I can
do to save this self, this name,
this safe place
I have tried to carve out,
and realize its best to just
walk away?

The one question I need answered is how do I take care of myself in a healing loving manner, that does not include me saying sorry for something I have not done? How do I hold my head up high?

6 Comments:

Anonymous beansprout said...

Sorry to hear that this is happening to you. It always hurts when someone is demonizing you to others. Please don't apologize for something you didn't do. You hold your head up high but doing just that...no shame, no shame. You are so right when you say, "this ugly is their ugly". Let them have it. Stand your ground and be well.

2:22 PM, October 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto B's words.

I find the best way of taking care of myself is find my source, my light, Gods Light, whatever it is that you use to find your true self and your true energy. Find centre in that. Find serenity in that. Find grounding in that. Find your essence in that. Find the part of us that is beyond mean earthly words, who realises that our true spirit is really beyond any of them.

It's easier said than done. But, you know what, people see it. When you access your light, people see it. Just as they see the "ugly" in others. And that is more meaningful than anything.

Thinking of you.

5:31 PM, October 28, 2006  
Blogger renovating this heart said...

Hey gg, This poem made me sad for you. I could feel the hurt inside you WITH you and I'm sorry people are so mean sometimes. You just continue to hold yourself in respect... speak nice words and take care of you. I know it's easier said than done... those negative words of others tend to speak louder in our heads than any others. But hear US... you are genuine and funny and WE LIKE YOU. And even if you HAD done something "wrong" or whatever, you are still loved regardless. I'm sorry you got hurt.

9:07 PM, October 28, 2006  
Blogger The dykes next door said...

This is a hard one. Sometimes when you try to repair things, they get even worse. It's especially disturbing when you have done absolutely nothing wrong and yet get crucified for something someone else has said or done. If you have been a member of this group of friends for a while, they should know that this is untrue. But then again, some people love to hear gossip and love to pass it on. You know, the reason people do that is because they feel inadequate, and they want attention, which they get by spreading untruths. But that doesn't help you does it? Does the person spreading this have a reputation for telling things that are not true? If so, then others probably don't believe her. And then your problem will be solved. You might try to just act as though nothing has happened, keep on being yourself, and see how that works. If it doesn't get any better, then you might have to approach the others and talk to them about it. The last ditch answer would be to confront the person who started this lie and ask them in front of the others WHY they would say something like that about you. I hope that things work out for you, no matter which solution you end up with. (I hope that I don't sound too much like a man with all these solutions, but I've always been fairly pragmatic.)

7:21 PM, October 31, 2006  
Blogger Wenda said...

Tough call. I have no advice, but I hear you.

1:43 AM, November 01, 2006  
Blogger GoGo said...

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. I'm not sure what to do with any of it, except as Journey said to hold it all in the light. To be honest, I have no intention of doing anything about this. At the same time, I needed a place where I could not be silent, and it was this page.

Thank you again for all the insights...I now know things I can do when faced ingenuiness.

Peace.

11:10 AM, November 03, 2006  

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