My Photo
Location: Midwest, United States

"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Monday, December 05, 2005

When You Don't Want to Talk About It But Can't Sit On It Either

Its snowing and this GoGo feels like she’s slipping and sliding all over the spectrum of mood today. To put it simply, I’m touching all the shades of self on this winter’s day. I woke up late for my internship since I spent my late night finishing my last project for this semester. Can I just say it’s a nice feeling to know I have reached that moment of done, its all lemony fresh and inviting to the senses. So, when I woke up at the exact time I should have been at my internship it didn’t faze me at all. I put on some backup clothes that matched my bed hair hat. I love this hat, it’s the kind a “Gramps” would where with a pipe between his teeth complete with rain coat and a line about race horsing or how they don’t make things the way they use to. I go to my internship, still feeling a grounded sense of self for the day…still lemony…still fresh.

Then I get a call from a friend, she’s leaving for somewhere else and though we rarely see each other anymore, my mood drops for a moment. I plunge into watery blues weighing my heart down like rain water on blue jeans. I want to tell her, I’m not ready for her to go. It’s young, I know, so I tell her I am happy for her, but she knows me and says she’ll miss me too. She’s one of those random people you pick up along the way who changes you…and she changed me for the better. I’ve always found it hard to tell her this, so I put it here in hopes she’ll come across it and excuse the passive aggressiveness of it all. Thank you.

Still did not loose that lemony freshness from being done with my projects and edging towards this semesters finish line. Even when my boss at my “paid” job called to inform me that tonight they are going to decide if I get bumped. What does bump mean? It means I might be laid off tomorrow in order for another union member who has seniority to get my job. Overall, makes sense to me. I support unions and this is the contract. But that lemony feeling has turned a little green…we’re talking minty green…and this GoGo does not like mint so much.

I’m a flexible, girl. In fact, I enjoy taking life for a ride and appreciate the process of it all. I like searching for the bigger picture and appreciate it when I overhear the undercurrent of life speaking. But today, I feel really small and its scary to think I might be loosing my job. As someone reminded me this year, this GoGo can be industrious when she needs to be. I’ll be fine. I happen to be a part of the Master’s in Social Work program at the college, and for any of you who knows about MSWs, they can help you out with the “system”. I’ve learned all about unemployment, community health plans, and food stamps this semester. School is paid for this year and I have a home to live in. In fact, it sounds kind of fun to go to school AND not work. But, with all that said, there is a tingle in my tummy like I just road one too many roller coasters today.

So, I guess I’ll give myself a little positive imagery and imagine this spinning is me dancing in a field of snow.