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"Power lines, my travlin' partner on this ride. Dripping, pulling - up and down, in this sing song, their lullaby blends with the swaying train. I curl myself into this journey; folding myself up into this pocket of time. Old familiars greet me - that swing set in the back yard, the ruins of an old church covered in new birth and old - mixed with unremembered newness." Journal Entry, October 13, 2005~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~All words are copyrighted by GoGo on a Page/gogoroku.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Life Lesson: Its In How We Tell Our Story

Its early. I was suppose to go to a meeting this morning, but it was canceled. So, I’m sitting here wondering what I can do. Once I am up, I’m up.

Oh, an update. My shoulder is busted up. I did something to the AC Joint…Its not dislocated but off a nudge…the ligament is slightly torn…anyway, I have to keep it immobile for a few days. Then no heavy lifting for a few weeks. I breathe through this. I’m in much pain, having opted to not take heavy pain medication. I just couldn’t take anything in my life right now to inhibit my thinking process. I am taking the regular over the counter stuff. I’m sad I can’t ride my bike this week and that I feel limited in what I can do in my world, but it will be fine. Not overdosing pain inhibitors means the pain will go away faster too. I hope.

I think I am more embarrassed that it all happened, then struggling with the aftermath of it all. I mean I will do what I got to do. Its just telling everyone who sees me over and over again what happened can be hard. Though I do admit, if I can tell the punch lines just right and get a laugh, I feel like I just won gold.

I think it’s important to remember how we tell our own personal narratives in life. I mean take a crowd of people witnessing an incident. Though you might get a common string among them, the variations are more pronounced. Personal narrative gives us a chance to make any story our own. How we tell our own story of things is just as important as the actual story itself. Those who can speak of themselves with light in their voices can see the path in the dark. I just made that up, but doesn’t it sound cool. If you ever want to change things in your life, start by analyzing your narrative. Do you find your always burden with others needs? Are you always trying to work things out? Like a book, does it sound like a good story, sad story, dramatic story, self-preservation story, fun, or what? What do you tell yourself at the plot changes of life? Then never assume it’s someone else who can change the plot line. Rather, look at all the ways you built this plot for your own life. Go from there. Its never easy, when we try and change ourselves, some part reacts and tries through experience to keep us the same. But always try to be honest about the whole process, we are our biggest liars in our lives.

Oh, I totally went off track. I guess what I am saying is, I feel okay with the accident this week because for me, I feel like I just did a plot change. I was really worried last week about buying a new bike, after having residuals from bike accidents and stolen bikes. But for some reason, it wasn’t until I got into the accident did the fear go away. And it’s more then the bike. I honestly don’t know if I really messed up the shoulder. I have to now find a Primary Care Provider and see if I can get physical therapy. Again, an area I don’t do so well in. But in my narrative, it was important to close the old door…if I am afraid of this new one, how can the narrative be different from the past?

Closing that door last week had more power then I could imagine. The humanness in me wishes I had whispered the decision, as though the bike accident would not have happened. There is this underbelly of instinct that I can’t seem to shake that says it manifested many of the incidents in my life. Then again, I wouldn’t have a sweet ride waiting for me. Then again, the tension from the fear of getting hurt was already there, built up and gaining pressure. One way or another, it was going to find release. Besides, me buying a bike does not have that much power in this world, right? And here I am, hurt shoulder, sore knee, bruised ego. Why do I feel so good about myself? The accident released pressure for me, no more worries about an accident. I am okay, yet I need to make an effort to continue towards okay. Why do I feel like this accident changed more then this fear of falling off my bike?

Ah, but the universe will tell me in her own time.

2 Comments:

Blogger paris parfait said...

You're so right about the universe telling you - an accident is often a sign for us to pay attention to something we're missing. But I'm sorry you're in such pain and I admire your determination to basically grin and bear it and continue writing! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way; hoping you feel much better soon and get the physical therapy you need to heal properly.

5:33 PM, May 18, 2006  
Anonymous krista said...

I completely agree with you about the notion that it is just as much the Way we tell out stories as the events themselves that shape us.

I try to remember that as much as possible.

PS- I have a question to ask you about colours... I made you something, and it took me ahwile, but now I am worried you won't like the colours. It is an accessory. That's all I will say. But the colours are pastel. It didn't even occur to me to ask if you like pastel colours until now (and its almost done). I have a tendency to assume because I like it everyone else will. Duh.

So?

Do you hate pastels. If you do it's ok. I can make you something else.

7:48 AM, May 19, 2006  

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