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Dear GoGo,

It’s been a big day for me. I came home, closed my door, and slipped onto the floor; letting all my thoughts fall out like those musical notes off a page in a cartoon. I guess this letter is me trying to pick up the notes, chords, and measures and piece them together to make sense of everything.

The offer was made at 9:37 am this morning as I was putting together my Wednesday Morning group’s agenda. I had my first few members showing up as my supervisor asked me with the biggest grin on her face if I had a moment to come upstairs. Too excited she blurted out, “How would you like a job?” With that kind of question, how could I put her off? My heart completely stuck in my throat between my larynx and the back of my tongue, I followed her upstairs.

My internship wants to hire me as a subcontracted group counselor. Its only 8 hours a month, but they would pay me very nicely and I would be facilitating a support group. Easy right? An easy answer for something I love doing and would look absolutely lovely on my resume. I never expected a job offer. Never expected that my internship would lead to something else, something I can do on the side. This offer has completely blindsided me.

I did not plan something like this for the summer agenda or next school year. In fact, I just got confirmed today as a part of GradSac, the MSW program’s government, thinking that I could squeeze in a little extracurricular. My boss at my “real” job had asked me last week to step in as a clinical counselor while they look for replacements this summer. This is after I made it clear I was not looking to be promoted. I promised myself when I got hired in part time, that I would not seek promotion during school. I try to do the best I can at anything I do, but as I sit here writing this my eyes are overflowing with joy and pride and excitement and humility all at once.

Doors open for me, at all the right times. Sometimes I see them, walking firmly up with eyes fixed and determined. Sometimes they open against my resistance, complete with ego bruises and tears. And sometimes, they open without me ever knowing they were there – like today. I won’t pretend that my hard work and personality doesn’t have anything to do this, deciding along time ago to leave behind the presumption I don’t affect the things around me. I’ve long since given up the notion that letting myself feel self-confidence has any affect on disappointment when it comes time to feel it. :o).

And like the true flawed, etched human I am, my mind wanders to doors still unopened. Doors I can’t seem to find keys to, no matter how bad I want to find them. I am so good at solidifying career, home, and my hair (hey, now I needed a third). I decided this week that it was time to move to stage III of a financial plan I’ve created, intending to go to a financial advisor to begin building my portfolio so that I can buy a house in 3-5 years. Where, I ask myself? I hope its somewhere around here, but elsewhere if the right opportunity presented itself. And yet, as I calculate out what this new job offer will do – weighing the pros and cons of “taking it on” – I wander down roads that feel so foreign and unmarked.

I write this letter to myself, as I pick up the chords hummed today as a celebration. What I love most about me is the fact that I leave room for all of me this day because today was a turning point. I write it to remember and share that today was a good day. I still have no clue of my direction knowing only a few road signs and markers on this road map I’ve got. Nor have I solidified the promise that my unopened doors will someday open. (Um, still knocking). Yet here I am celebrating today and all the hard work that has followed me to this point. I’m still not done forming the direction I want to go, but maybe I can let this be a sign that I am going the right way.

I write this letter as a prayer of gratitude for this day and all days before. A prayer in celebration of what a kick ass job I’ve done. As a prayer that as I come closer to turning 30, other doors might open for me.

With All My Love,

GoGo

P.S. Drew was for people getting bored reading. I like to call this photo Drew as Kathryn Hepburn. :o).